Page 87 of Single Girl Rules: HoHoHo

“Does he have a huge penis?” asked Ash. She said it like itwas a totally normal question.

We all looked at her.

“Krampus is known for having a huge penis, right?” she said.

“I don’t believe that’s accurate,” said Daddy. “What strangefairy tales have you been reading?”

“For real?” she said. “I can picture it so clearly. He’salways drawn with a huge ding-a-ling. To punish the naughty children with. No? Wow.I don’t know how I got mixed up like that. I’m just gonna go walk outside andfreeze myself to death now.”

I laughed. I knew exactly how she’d gotten mixed up likethat. But now that her banana juice had worn off, she apparently had norecollection of mistaking Flash for Krampus and sucking his humungous cock.

“Wait!” said Slavanka as she inspected the doll inside of Krampus.“Krampus not vomit naughty child. Krampus vomit Stalin!” She held up a greydoll with a sweet mustache. And when she discovered that Lenin was inside ofStalin, I had a feeling we’d lost her for the entire morning. “Best presentever,” she said as she cracked Lenin in half to get to the fourth doll.

Ash tried to use the distraction to slip outside and die, butI caught her arm.

“Wait,” I said. “It’s your turn to open a present.”

She reached for another one of the presents Santa had lefther. It was about the same size as the lingerie she’d opened. And apparently itwas lingerie too. Because she took one look inside the box, turned bright red,and snapped it shut. “I think I’m just gonna open a different present…” Shegrabbed one of the presents that had been in her stocking. It was a tiny box. Toosmall to be lingerie. Unless it was a truly miniscule G-string.

Ash tore it open to reveal a lavender box. “Plan B One-Step?”she read. And then her eyes got big as it registered what she’d just said. “Iswear I didn’t put this on my Christmas list.”

“It’s nothing to be embarrassed about,” said Daddy. “But itis better to be safe than sorry. Would you like a glass of water to wash thatdown with?”

“I’m very safe. I take birth control every day. For hormones.Not for baby making. Or baby killing? No, that doesn’t sound right. What I’mtrying to say is that I don’t need it for sex. Because I’m not sexually active.I mean, I can have sex. My sex is activated. But I’m not using it. Because I’ma good girl.” Her eyes were huge, but she couldn’t seem to close her mouth. “Stoplooking at me like that, Daddy!” She slowly lay backwards and then startedstacking presents on top of herself.

Yeesh. That was a lot.

She stayed hidden until I unwrapped all the presents she washiding under. Which actually took a while. Because I was the only one opening presents.I offered to let Slavanka take a turn, but she didn’t even hear me. She was toobusy pretending to have Stalin and Lenin disembowel a Gorbachev doll to punishhim for his role in the dissolution of the Soviet Union.

“Girl, you need to start opening some more presents,” I saidto Ash. If she refused to open any more presents, Daddy might tell us to take abreak and we’d accidentally be on time to the memorial. “You’re falling behind.”I pointed to a giant stack of presents with her name on them. And I knew shewas going to love them, because I’d picked them out.

She hesitantly opened one. Her face lit up when she saw it wasa bottle of Windex. She ripped into another. “No way!” she said. “A six pack ofbaking soda? Our mini fridge is gonna smell so fresh!” And then she wasunstoppable. She tore open present after present, loving each cleaning supplymore than the last. And then she got to her big present. “Whoa,” she gasped. “Isthis…”

“The Dust Demolisher 5000,” I said. “It sure it.” I knew shewas going to loves these gifts. I’d never met someone so scared of germs.

“But how? It’s illegal in 194 countries. Some critics say thatit’s a safety hazard to include a flamethrower in a vacuum cleaner. But it onlygets activated if a carpet exceeds 16 ounces of dust per square yard. And in thatcase, incinerating the carpet isn’t a safety hazard. It’s a necessity. I cannotwait to bust this bad boy out on our carpet at school.”

Say what now?I had not been aware of that featurewhen I’d paid to have it smuggled out of North Korea. She was gonna burn ourdorm down!

“What a thoughtful gift,” said Daddy. “And speaking ofthoughtful gifts…how about you open that big box, princess?” He checked his watch.“Then we need to take a break and start getting ready to head up to the towerto pay our respects to Grandpa.”

It was too early to open it. But I couldn’t wait any longer. I’dfind another way to delay.

I ran over to the present. It wasn’t wrapped – it was just abeautiful box with a bow on top. Which was expected. My Christmas car alwayscame in a box like this.

I pulled the bow on top and the box collapsed, kinda like thegiant presents that the men had been hiding in last night.

But instead of having a man inside, this box contained a custompink Bugatti. I ran my hand along the sleek mirrors.

“How do I look with it?” I asked as I posed on the hood.

“You look stunning, princess,” said Daddy. “Merry Christmas. Oh!I almost forgot the best feature. It’s equipped with cutting edge self-drivingtech that activates if the chauffer happens to lose his pants for any reason.”

“Why would the chauffer lose his pants?” asked Ash.

Road head, obvs.

“Temperature negative fifty,” said Slavanka. “Carburetor eatpant.” She made a whooshing noise and mimed pants being sucked into an engine. “Scary,scary.”

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