Page 96 of Single Girl Rules: HoHoHo

“Ah!” Ash clapped her hands. “I’m such a ho for Santa. I suckedhis candy cane! I guzzled his penis milk like it was hot chocolate! And I lethim stuff me like a Christmas stocking! It’s everything I’d ever dreamed ofsince I was a little girl! I’m Santa’s little milk cow!”

Penis milk? And since she was a little girl? And she was stillusing milk cow wrong.But she looked so happy. “Yeah you are!”

“But also…why did I keep calling your daddy Daddy?” Shecringed.

“Because that’s his name.”

She shook her head. “God, I think I still wear some of that lingerieSanta gave me. I never knew where it came from!”

“It was a gift from Santa for giving him the best ChristmasEve ever.”

“So he paid me in lingerie? I really am a ho! I’m going to bearrested for holiday prostitution!”

“Definitely not. It happened over a decade ago.”

“And I’m not sure what it says about me that I lost myvirginity and then fucked six other dudes in the same night.”

“Don’t forget about the five Christmas elves.”

She put her face in her hands. “Oh my God. I’m such a slut. Ilet all those elves run train on me. And I’m not even sure why I know what thatmeans! Where did that even come from? It’s like when I asked Cole to raw dog mein the woods at The Society summer camp.”

Sorry, say what?I wasn’t sure she’d told me aboutthat. And certainly not in those exact words. But that did seem like somethingthat would happen at The Society. Those were good times.

“Oh my God,” she gasped. “My number must be so high.”

“Why?” I asked. “Anyone you fuck during an orgy doesn’t count.Honestly it hardly counted as losing your virginity, but since it was Santa Ifigured we could make an exception.”

“I don’t think that’s how it works.”

“Hmm. Pretty sure it is. Otherwise I need to revise myprevious statement about you having only touched 20 cocks before marrying Joe.”

“Oh my God. How many was it? Actually, no. I don’t want toknow. Do I have AIDS? I do, right? And gonorrhea? And syphilis? I have themall. I must.” She was breathing so fast. “And how am I going to tell my husbandabout this without him freaking out? He’s not a big fan of Santa. Maybe this explainswhy. Do you think he already knows? Oh God. I bet he knows.”

What the hell?Drunk Ash should not have been worriedabout such things. I grabbed the flask of banana juice she’d promised to drinkwhile I told her the story of how she lost her virginity. It was stillpractically full. And the story had taken way longer than I thought it would totell, so her other banana juice must have been wearing off.

Damn it!

My plans always worked. How had this one failed so miserably?Now I was never going to trick her into telling me her secret. She wasdefinitely hiding something from me. She said she didn’t have to follow the SingleGirl Rules now that she was married. But then she mentioned married women followingsomething else…Gah!

I needed to know what was going on here. Maybe I could trickher into saying it again… “I’m sure he’ll be fine with it. And you don’t reallyhave a choice. Single Girl Rule #6: Always kiss and tell.”

Ash waved me off. “I don’t follow those rules anymore. BecauseI’m not a single girl. I’m a married girl. So I follow…” She coughed.

Ah!There it was again!

“What do you follow?” I asked.Tell me!

“Traditional societal norms of marriage, of course.”

“No! You were about to say you follow the Married Girl Rules.Weren’t you?! Tell me everything.” I propped my elbows on the table and leaned forward.

She gave me an exaggerated look of confusion. “I have NO ideawhat you’re talking about. No one even refers to themselves as a married girl.”

“You’ve literally done it twice in the last…” I looked overat the clock. “Three hours. Wow, okay. That story really did take a while totell.”

“Oh no! We’re late to the wedding!” Ash started fanning herarm pits.

I didn’t mind being fashionably late. It was practically arequirement for my own wedding. But it did seem strange that we hadn’t landedyet. I hit the call button to talk to the pilot.

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