Page 93 of Loved

“You’re lying. That doesn’t exist.”

“I swear it’s a thing. I found a piggy bank there. And a million other things. We’ll go there after we light McCarty on fire.”

“We’re not lighting anything on fire!” Ian yelled after us. “Both of you stop it.”

“Never!” yelled Rob at the top of his lungs.

***

We pulled to a stop a few houses down from the piece of shit.

“Who’s going to poop in the grocery bag?” Rob asked.

“I don’t have to go,” Ian and I both said at the same time.

“Liars. You do it, Ian.” Rob pulled the lighter out of the paper bag and then threw the empty bag at Ian.

“I seriously don’t have to go.” He pushed the bag back into Rob’s hands.

“Well, fuck,” Rob said. “I don’t have to go either. We need tacos.”

“Ground beef doesn’t exactly look or smell like shit,” I said.

“I know that! But they always go right through me. Hit the drive-thru, Ian.”

“But we’re already here…”

“Drive-thru, Ian! Stat! One of us needs to shit in this bag or I refuse to get out of the car.”

Ian glanced at me. “It might be best if he stays in the car anyway.”

“What?” Rob slapped the back of his head. “No man left behind. Drive-thru then we circle back and follow through with the plan.”

I nodded my head.

“We’re going to get arrested,” Ian said and pulled away from the curb again. “And I call dibs on Ellen for my one call.”

“It’s fine, Penny will bail us out. Right, James? Because I can’t go to prison again.” He shuddered. “And we are doing this for her.”

I wasn’t so sure about that. Yes, I wanted to stand up for her. But I also just really wanted to kill McCarty.

***

“Don’t look at me!” Rob yelled from the back seat.

“Do you really have to do thatinmy new car?” Ian asked.

“Do you want me to do it on the street? You said youdidn’twant to be arrested, smart ass.”

“And you’d think you’d be able to shit better in public after being in Costa Rican prison.”

I snickered.

“Just don’t look at me. I’m a sensitive shitter.” He groaned. “Fuck, it’s still not coming. Taco me again.” He put his hand up to the front.

I handed him yet another taco from the to-go bag. “Are you sure you want another one? You’ve already had five.”

“I’m sacrificing my body for the sake of a perfect prank. Oh it’s coming!”

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