Page 100 of Forever

I shrugged.

“We don’t know until we try. You said you were missing your mom. We can bring some of her stuff home. We can keep her memory alive too.”

Too.He meant like we were keeping Miller’s memory alive. In a lot of ways, Matt was the same as he was 16 years ago. But he was way more patient now. Way more understanding. He was exactly what I’d needed back in high school. And he was exactly what I needed now. We’d both changed. And somehow we fit together better than ever.

“And it just so happens that we need something old, something new, something borrowed, and something blue.We can probably find something in there that checks a few of those boxes. What do you say?”

I took a deep breath. I knew what I was really worried about. “What if he got rid of all of it, Matt?” What if all I had left of my mom were some old pictures, my beat up Keds, and my mom’s dress?

“We won’t know until we look.”

I hadn’t spoken to my dad at all since the Halloween party. I’d told him I forgave him, but that I needed time. And for once he was actually respecting my wishes. There was a small piece of me that hoped he’d changed too over the years. But I wasn’t sure he was capable of change.

This wasn’t really about my dad though. Matt had come up with the idea that we should visit here. He’d told me after we washed all the sticky whipped cream off ourselves last night. He knew I was missing my mom. And I hadn’t even thought about this place.

I smiled over at him. “Okay,” I said. “Let’s try.” I unbuckled my seatbelt and stepped out of the car. The cool autumn breeze made me shiver.

Matt wrapped his arm around me as we walked into the building. Not much had changed about the entrance. There was still a friendly doorman, although he wasn’t the same person. And no one asked us any questions as we walked over to the elevator.

“So far so good,” Matt said as he hit the button for the right floor.

Sixteen years ago, my father had locked me in this apartment. And I wondered if that was how my mother had felt when they dated. Locked away. A secret. I couldn’t imagine how scared she’d been when she found out she was pregnant. I put my hand on my stomach as the elevator slid to a stop. Matt put in the code.

And…the panel turned red and started blinking.

I felt my shoulders slump. I’d wanted to believe that my father had kept the apartment. I hadn’t meant for this to turn into some kind of strange test. But my father had somehow failed.

Matt looked back down at the paper. “Wait, I think I forgot a number. One sec.” He put the code back in. And this time the panel turned green and the elevator doors slid open.

I swallowed hard. Not a single thing had changed since I’d last been here. I stepped inside and turned in a circle. Everything was pristine and white, minus the couch that we’d pulled into the family room. The couch my mom had picked out. And the door at the end of the hall with all her things was still open instead of locked. I could just make out a hint of her perfume.

“He kept it,” I said.

“Of course he did.”

I looked up at Matt. “How were you so sure?”

Matt shrugged. “I don’t like your father. I don’t think I ever will. And I’ll never understand why he did the things he did. But…” his voice trailed off as he stared at the couch. “…I do believe he did everything because he loves you. And he loves you because you’re a piece of your mom. Just like I love Jacob because he’s a piece of you.”

For so long, I thought my father just wanted me for spare parts. But I knew there was truth in what Matt said. Or else my father would have sold this apartment 32 years ago. “I meant what I said at the Halloween party. I do forgive him. But I just don’t know how to move forward from everything. Justin keeps asking me who’s walking me down the aisle. And I don’t know what to tell him.”

“You don’t need anyone to give you away,” Matt said. “Because you know exactly who you are and what youwant. So you can walk down the aisle yourself and right into my arms. Where you belong.”

I smiled. “Right where I belong.” I pressed the side of my face against his chest. Maybe he was right. I didn’t need my father to walk me down the aisle. He didn’t need to give me away. Because he didn’t own me. He never had.

I just didn’t want to regret not asking him. Hell, I wasn’t even sure I wanted to ask him to the wedding. But I’d give anything for my mom to be at my wedding. And my uncle. It just seemed like it would be a mistake if I didn’t invite my one living relative.

But I wasn’t here to think about my dad. I was here to keep the memory of my mom alive. I pulled back. “Let’s go find something old and borrowed. And blue if I’m lucky.”

Matt slid his hand into mine and we wandered down the hall and into the room filled with my mom’s things.

The smell of her perfume was stronger in here. And I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. God I missed her.

“Is there anything in particular you’re looking for?” Matt dropped my hand and opened a cardboard box.

“This is all stuff she owned before she had me. I kinda just want to look at everything.”

Matt laughed. “We could just bring all of it home with us. I can call a moving company.”

---