Page 38 of Forever

“No,” I said. “It wouldn’t.” It would remind me of Miller. It would remind me of everything I’d lost. Tears started welling in my eyes. “James, I’ve already talked about all this with Matt. He’s just not listening. I have this innate sense that I need to be here. To be still. For just a while. And I need to trust that feeling.”

“Okay. Well, let’s be still then.” He slid onto one of the stools.

I stared at him. I didn’t know what he wanted from me.

“You spent a lot of your life on the run,” he said. “I bet it’s an adjustment staying still.”

I put my hands on the counter. “I was at the lake house for 15 years, James. I’m used to being still.” I frowned. I remembered right after Jacob was born. I’d had this innate sense that we needed to run. There’d been this doom in my chest. The feeling I had then wasn’t like the feeling I had now though. It was almost the opposite. I just wanted to be calm. And comfortable. And…safe. I shook my head. Why couldn’t I explain it right?

“Maybe that’s the problem then. Living in the city isn’t exactly still.”

“That’s not it. I like it here. I like being close to all of you guys. And Jacob loves it here.” I looked over at him.He’d like it a lot more if I let him out of the house though.

James put his elbows on the counter and leaned a little closer. “After Isabella’s death, I felt so much relief. For years, I’d felt on edge. But once she was really gone, I felt at peace.” His eyes searched mine.

I did feel more at peace now. But still on edge. I couldn’t explain it. And I was so tired of trying to.

“It was hard though,” he said. “Because that feeling of looking over your shoulder doesn’t just go away. I do understand, Brooklyn. Probably better than anyone.”

I knew he understood. He’d been part of the Pruitt family for a short time. He got it. “What did you do? To get over that fear?”

“I leaned on Penny and…”

“Iamleaning on Matt. He just doesn’t like the way I’m leaning, I guess.”

“You didn’t let me finish. Yes, I leaned on Penny. But I leaned on all my friends. Would you have let me in today if Jacob hadn’t answered the door?”

“Of course I would have.”

“Really?” He raised his eyebrow at me. And for just a second, he looked 18 again.

I smiled and then sighed. “Honestly, James, I don’t know.”

“We’re all here for you. You know that.”

I blinked fast so my tears wouldn’t start up. “I do know that. But I also know that I don’t know how to talk about this. And Matt thinks I’m crazy. I don’t want him to think that. But I just…I…”

“Want to be still.”

“Yeah.” I smiled. “That.”

He looked over his shoulder at Jacob playing. “It’s hard to stay still with kids though.”

I laughed. “I know.”

James turned back to me. “Sometimes being still is the same as being stuck.”

I pressed my lips together.

“Did you know that my parents are divorced?”

“Matt mentioned that, yeah.”

“It wasn’t until Scarlett was born that I was able to have a real conversation with my father. About the way I grew up. About the way I felt about his absence. My dad was…awful. But I know it doesn’t even begin to compare to how your father has been.”

“Probably not.”

“I forgave my dad. For all of it. I didn’t realize how unhappy he was. How stuck he felt staying with my mother.”

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