Page 86 of Forever

“Whoa, whoa, whoa,” Rob said. “You’re acting like I’d be late on the day of the wedding. I would never do that. Daphne wouldn’t allow it.”

That was true. Daphne would make sure Rob showed up on time. But this technically was part of the best man competition. And Rob had definitely failed. “You’re a half hour late, man.”

“But I won Capture the Princess last night. And you know my bachelor party idea is the best. Oh and…I’m your fucking best friend.”

Tanner laughed.

“Don’t you laugh at me, you secret Christmas elf!”

“Young Robert.” Tanner shook his head. “It’s very hard to take you seriously when you’re saying such silly things. An elf? Really? Green isn’t my color. And I’m taller than you. I could hardly be categorized as one of the big man’slittlehelpers.”

“Well, maybe your dick is little.”

Tanner laughed. “No. But yours probably is.”

“Speaking of our private members, I have an idea!” Nigel yelled.

We all turned to him.

A smile slowly spread across his face. “Let’s have a dick measuring contest to determine who wins the best man competition.”

“What does that have to do with being a good best man?” I asked. This wasn’t a dick measuring contest. It was a best man competition. Why did everyone keep suggesting such weird things for this? I had a whole plan.

“It has everything to do with it,” Nigel said.

That was not an answer. He just wanted a reason to whip out his giant monster dong. “Keep it in your pants, man. Okay, where was I? I invited the five of you here today because…”

“Wait,” Rob said. “Nigel is right. The best man has to have big dick energy. Let’s do it.” He grabbed the front of his belt.

“Rob, stop it. We’re in the middle of a high school football stadium.” And he did not want to have this contest with Nigel. Because Rob would 100% lose. I’d seen what Nigel was packing on my kitchen counter. And I never wanted to see it again.

“But this will settle everything. Right guys?” Rob looked over at Mason and James.

“If you want to finally realize you have the smallest dick, fine by me,” Mason said.

What did my friends not understand about being at ahigh schoolright now? We were going to get arrested. And no one was going to beat Nigel. We were all perfectly well-endowed. But Nigel’s dick was made for a freaking elephant.

“So we’re doing it?” Nigel asked. “Good. Biggest dick wins. Agreed?” He turned to Tanner. “You’re in, right?”

“What the hell, Nigel,” Tanner said. “You know it’s too dangerous for me to participate in this.”

What on earth does that mean?

“I’m sure your dick isn’t so big that it’s dangerous,” Rob said with a laugh.

Tanner ignored him, folded his arms across his chest, and glared at Nigel.

“I have to ensure that I’ll win,” Nigel said. “I’m sorry, Master Tanner, but I have to fight dirty. It’s the only way I know how to fight.” He started to lower his pants.

“Don’t you dare drop your pants on this field, Nigel,” I said.

He inched them a little lower as he stared at me dead in the eyes.

“Anyone who whips out their dick is kicked out of the best man competition.”

“But…” Nigel started.

“No buts. Zip it up.”

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