Page 104 of Out of the Storm

Both of them were silent for a while, their foreheads still kissed together, breathing in each other’s presence.

And even though it was a comfortable place to be in that moment—there with Gary in this quiet and intimate sort of way—Jeff couldn’t help still feeling all the shame and guilt over his stupid panicky reactions. It seemed like no matter how hard Jeff tried to push past these humiliating bouts of upset, he kept making things worse. But what the hell was he supposed to do? Make his boyfriend check with him or warn him every single time he wanted to kiss him or hold him or touch him? Knowing Gary, he’d probably be fine with that. Or, well, Gary’d be fine with itin theory. He’d pretend everything was okay. But JeffknewGary. He knew that Gary craved intimacy.Physicalintimacy. And if that was what helped Gary feel loved, if that was what helped Gary feel cared for, Jeff wanted him to have it. Fuck, he wanted Gary totakeit. He wanted Gary to be able to take everything he needed to feel whole and happy.

Jeff had to make it happen. Somehow.

“Gare, baby, Iwillfix it. I promise.”

“Okay, but, really, there’s nothing to fix from my perspective. I like you as you are, Jeffrey. I like what we have.”

“I want more.”

“I know.”

“You want more too.”

“Jeff—”

“No, come on, I know you want more too.”

Gary stayed quiet.

Well, there it was: the truth. Gary wanted more. Garyneededmore. And Jeff had to figure out how to give it to him. While turning this over in his head, Jeff remembered the business card. He supposed he had no choice.

Gary kissed Jeff’s forehead. “I only want more when you’re okay with more too.”

“I will be,” Jeff said. “I think I have a plan. Kind of.”

“Yeah? Well, I’d love to hear about it, but I have to—”

“Go host your show, radio man.”

“Okay.”

“I need to head home for a bit. I have work later.”

“Okay. Maybe I can come by the mall?”

“Sure.”

After one more kiss, Jeff chugged the rest of his coffee and then raced back home. He only had one more hour before he had to work. And, God help him, he had a call to make.

***

Sitting in the parking lot of the health center, Jeff stared out the window of his Cadillac, still in a bit of shock from the outcome of his appointment. Earlier that morning, when he’d called Dr. Goldstein, her receptionist had told him that, thanks to a cancellation, she could see him that very afternoon. And, God, Jeff had been ecstatic. He’d thought, like a fucking fool, that he’d have his talk with the therapist and she’d tell him exactly what was wrongwith him and how to fix it. But that was very muchnotwhat had happened.

Telling the so-called professional why he needed help had been humiliating. And, as though reliving the memory of what had happened with Don hadn’t been embarrassing enough, Jeff had then needed to tell her that the whole ordeal had messed him up so much that he couldn’t even suck his boyfriend’s cock. He hadn’t even had the sense to try to be vague about his sexuality either. Thank God she hadn’t kicked him out for it. He’d let the whole... the wholeeverythingfall out of him and while he’d talked and talked and talked, pushing through his feelings of shame, he’d been hoping,praying, that when it was over, she’d say some magical incantation to fix him.

But of course, that wasn’t how these things worked.

“First, I want to offer some reassurance and let you know that when you’ve experienced something traumatic, it can be normal to struggle to process the intense emotions that follow. I can help with that. If you’d like, the two of us could meet once a week, and we can work through your feelings together. Second, I want you to know that I think I’ll be able to help with your intimacy problems too. It might be beneficial for you to talk about these reactions you’ve been having to intimacy so that we can pinpoint what it is that’s been sparking those feelings of panic you mentioned.”

And on and on. God, what a fucking moron he’d been.

Leaning forward to rest his head on the steering wheel, Jeff cursed under his breath. He couldn’t keep humiliating himself in front of Garyevery timesome stupid silly memory of Don flitted into his mind. More importantly, he couldn’t keep hurting Gary either.

Maybe what he needed . . . was time.

Chapter Nineteen

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