Page 106 of Out of the Storm

“I’m still mad. About how I reacted yesterday.”

“When we were kissing, you mean?”

“Yeah,” Jeff said. “I thought I’d be able to fix it today, but...”

“Would it help if I said there’s nothing to fix?” Gary asked. He’d said the same thing before, but Jeff didn’t seem to be hearing him. Or couldn’t hear him, for whatever reason.

“Gare, maybe... maybe we should try to take a step back.”

Gary’s heart cracked.

“You’re . . . breaking up with me?”

“What?! No! Fuck!” Jeff’s words were interrupted by a loudthump. Maybe the sound of Jeff hitting his desk. “Gare, no,never. But I’m trying to—tofixthis. I can’t keep putting you through the back-and-forth bullshit. I think we need to—to maybe stick to the phone for a while so that I can try to figure out how not to freak the fuck out whenever we’re together.”

Gary’s breath caught, and when he tried to inhale, it felt like his throat was closing, like he couldn’t force enough oxygen into his lungs. Even though Jeff was seemingly only talking about some temporary thing—he only wanted them to take a step back in hopes that that they could finally move forward—Gary couldn’t help but feel like they weren’t stepping back together, but like Jeff was stepping back. Alone.

Maybe... maybe Jeff had one foot out the door.

“Gare?”

Gary tried to respond, but his throat was still tight. Words wouldn’t come.

“Gare, it’s okay.”

It wasn’t okay. Because Jeff was leaving him.

And then, as though Jeff had heard the thoughts inside Gary’s head, Jeff said, in the sweetest, most reassuring voice, “Gare Bear, I’m not leaving. It’s okay.We’reokay.”

Gary’s lip quivered. “But... but I want to see you. I won’t kiss you. I won’t even try to kiss you. I swear. I won’t push you into anything. Ever. I’m sorry if I’ve been too pushy.”

“Gare, baby, it’s not you. I mean, it’sreallynot you. It’s that I keep making both of us feel like shit. Every time I think we’re okay, something happens to make me panic, and it... it’s embarrassing.” Gary listened as Jeff inhaled a long, shaky breath. “I called... someone... and I thought I’d be able to fix this, but, well, it’s not something I can fix very easily.”

“Called someone? Who?”

Jeff was quiet.

“Who?” Gary repeated, needing to know.

“No one.”

Gary’s heart stuttered. “Don?”

“No! Jesus, Gare! Why the fuck would I call Don?”

“Well, who else is there?!” Gary asked, his eyes now brimming with tears.

“No one!”

Unable to contend with the sudden rush of frustration and fear and overall confusion, Gary smacked the wall with his bare hand and yelped.

“Gare?”

“Stupid wall.”

“Christ. I’m making you violent now.”

God, the ridiculousness of that statement. Gary let out what he realized was probably an incredulous-sounding laugh.

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