Page 49 of Out of the Storm

For the next couple of minutes, they sat together in silence, Jeff’s light touch providing Gary with the courage he needed to replay the conversation he’d had with his sister in his head.Mom never told me where he was.Had his mom really known? And for how long? God, the possibility was terrifying. And the not knowing was killing him. Maybe she had known. But that would mean... Had she really kept their father from them?

Tapping Gary’s fingers with his own, Jeff asked, “So, what now?”

Gary only shrugged, his thoughts still faraway.

“Do you want me to stay?” Jeff asked.

Gary forced a nod, though he felt so incredibly selfish for it.

“Come on,” Jeff said, standing and motioning for Gary to follow.

Mechanically, Gary stood, though he hadn’t yet managed to come back to the present. It took seeing Jeff climbing onto the bed for those last lingering thoughts of his mother’s potential betrayal to vanish. And then, while Jeff lay facing him, Gary stayed rooted to the spot, overcome with the shame he felt for wanting intimacy that he knew Jeff must not be comfortable providing.

“Come here, radio man,” Jeff said.

Gary’s cheeks began to burn. Jeff had probably already ventured out of his comfort zone by coming over in the middle of the night. That was something aboyfriendmight do, but Jeff wasn’t his boyfriend. Jeff couldn’t be his boyfriend. And yet, Gary wanted to climb into bed next to him. He wanted it so much. How could he be so selfish?

“I’m okay,” Jeff said. “Really, Gare.”

Even though shame continued to burn beneath his skin, Gary forced himself to start toward the bed, and when he reached the edge, poised to climb in next to his not-boyfriend, Jeff sat upon his elbow and leaned toward him. Gary’s brow wrinkled with confusion. He wondered what Jeff was reaching for. But then, Jeff took off Gary’s black frames and placed them on the nightstand. And,God, how sweet was that? Intimate, too.

“Thanks, Jeff. I... that was so sweet of you,” Gary said, still so touched that his words were coming out a little high-pitched, his voice catching in his throat. “I’d forgotten I was even wearing them.”

After switching off the light, Gary climbed into bed next to Jeff, and the two of them lay facing each other. Gary could only barely make out Jeff’s face from the hallway night-light, its faint yellow glow spilling into the bedroom.

“I feel so silly,” Gary said.

“You’re not.”

Gary shut his eyes. Despite Jeff’s sweetness, sadness and shame continued to rise inside of him, fast and furious like a storm, and before he could protect himself from its intensity, a tear slid down his cheek. He opened his eyes, trying to hold more tears back, but then, Jeff reached up slowly and touched his cheek with one thumb, brushing the tear away. And Gary couldn’t stop the rush of emotion.

“God, Jeffrey, I’m sorry,” he said with a barely contained sob.

“No.” Jeff caressed his cheek once more, and the feel of Jeff’s slightly calloused skin caused a few more tears to fall. “Don’t be.”

“I can’t believe I’m reacting like this. He wasn’t even in my life.”

“It’s okay. It’ll be okay.”

Gary’s face continued to burn as more tears poured from his eyes. How could it be that, even though he was falling to pieces, he had never beforefelt so whole?

***

Early in the morning, Gary woke to the feeling of warm sunshine hitting his face, and when his eyes flitted open, he saw Jeff staring at him, a small smile tugging at the corners of his lips. Gary smiled back, and then Jeff’s smile widened, and, boy, was it beautiful. Better than the best sunrise in the entire world.

“How’d you sleep?” Gary asked.

Jeff shrugged one of his shoulders. “Didn’t.”

Guilt began to churn in Gary’s stomach. “Ugh.” He buried his face in the pillow and let out a quiet groan. “I’m sorry.”

“Why? I’ve stayed up all night before.”

Slowly, Gary forced himself to come out from hiding, turning his face. Geez, how was henotsupposed to feel shitty for making Jeff lose a whole night of rest?

“So, what, you watched me sleep for six hours?” Gary asked.

“Nah, I have a whole world in my head. I can live in it for hours.”

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