Page 97 of Out of the Storm

Dizzy, Gary lay his head on the table. Breathing in small, shallow huffs, Gary stopped trying to fight the heaviness, instead surrendering himself to the crushing weight, telling himself that if the loss of his family was too much for him to bear, if the loss actuallykilledhim, at least it might mean he could see his father again. Gary could tell him that he was sorry for ever hating him. He could find out why he left. He could find out why he had tried to come back. He could tell his father everything. Everything about the radio station and teaching and Jeff.

Jeff.

Panic zipped through Gary’s veins, causing him to bolt upright and check the clock. Three minutes past showtime. God, he couldn’t have Jeff rushing over here like the last time he’d been too upset to host the show. He couldn’t keep being this needy, insecure monster.

Hastily, Gary scrambled to start the program.

“Hey, folks, sorry for the slight mishap. Just had a bit of trouble with my equipment there. But, well, here I am. Everything is back to normal here in the Gary Graham estate. Now, I have to say, I have beenwoefullybehind on my newspaper reading lately.” Fumbling with fingers that couldn’t seem to stop trembling, Gary started rifling through the pages of the local paper. Shit, shit, shit. “Oh boy, wow, I see that we have a community flea market coming up next weekend. Don’t want to miss that. Tony’s Pizza will be there offering free slices to the sellers and one-dollar slices for everyone else. Yum!”

Gary continued to flounder for the rest of the show. By the time he only had a couple of minutes left, he could barely keep himself together, his mind fuzzy, muscles feeling weak. Somehow, he had managed to conceal both his panic and his sadness for the entirety of the program, but the facade was finally starting to crack.

“So, uhm, that’s the neat fact I wanted to share with you about chocolate,” Gary said, his voice becoming smaller and smaller, too tired to keep this up for much longer. “I think that tomorrow maybe I’ll try to find out some information on the history of hot chocolate, but...” Suddenly, Gary was thrust into the past, remembering a time he’d had hot chocolate with his sister. They'd both felt sad that there were no more marshmallows in the cupboard, but their dad had told them not to worry, and he had run to the store and then come back home with three kinds—tiny ones, regular ones, andhugeones that could barely fit in theirmugs. His eyes started to fill with tears. “Sorry...” God, he couldn’t even remember what he had been saying. “I... uhm...” Something with hot chocolate. Or marshmallows. “I think I might turn in early.” His voice was shaking.Whycouldn’t he keep it together? Only two more minutes. “I...” Several tears fell. Fuck. “So, well, take care.”

Quickly, Gary fumbled to turn off the equipment, and the second the microphone was off, he started to sob. Unable to stop crying, he reached for the phone.

It took a few rings for Mel to pick up.

“Hello?”

“Mel, it’s me,” Gary said through a barely stifled sob. “Can you talk? I know it’s late, and I know you have work tomorrow, but—”

“Yeah, of course. What’s wrong?”

Gary proceeded to tell her everything. All the while, he kept crying, and by the end, his throat felt raw and his face was puffy and God, he was such a mess, but Mel was... oh, she was so sweet and reassuring. She listened to everything Gary had to say, and when he was finished blubbering, she told him how much she loved him and reassured him that he would never lose her.Ever.

“Even though we’re not related by blood, you’re my family, Gare.”

Her words wrapped themselves around him like a comforting hug.

“Thanks, Mel. You’re mine too.”

“Look, I know you said you’re trying not to seem too needy, but I think you should call Jeff.”

“I can’t.”

“Why?”

“Because.”

Because Jeff needed him to be better than this.

“He really cares about you,” Mel said. “I think he should have the chance to be there for you. He’s your boyfriend.”

“But—”

“How would you feel if he was keeping something like this from you? Wouldn’t you be upset if you ever found out that even though he’d been in pain, he hadn’t come to you for comfort but had tried to hide it instead?”

Gary remembered the way Jeff had tried to hide how their physical intimacy had been hurting him, the way Jeff had stiffened from his touch, the way Jeff had said “Just ignore it,”and, shoot, he never ever wanted Jeff to try to hide from him again. He had promised himself that he wanted to show Jeff it was okay to be vulnerable, but that meant that he had to be okay with being vulnerable too.

“Okay,” Gary said. “You’re right. I’ll call.”

Once Gary and Mel hung up, Gary took a deep breath and dialed Jeff’s number.

Chapter Eighteen

Jeff

“.. .I think that tomorrow maybe I’ll try to find out some information on the history of hot chocolate, but . . . sorry . . . I . . . uhm . . .”

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