Page 24 of Our Moon
I look at him for a moment before I respond. “She didn’t know for sure, she just mentioned some peculiar behaviors. Said I was pretty transparent and that it seemed like I was hiding something, or someone. She heard voices when I was on the phone with her sometimes, but I’d just tell her it was nothing.”
He seems to consider this, then asks, “What did you want to ask me?”
Right. I did want to ask him something. “I was wondering if maybe you remembered anything from the time I used to hang out with you guys. Maybe you saw or heard something that might help me figure out what I was up to?”
He stands up and begins to pace, running his hands through his hair over and over again, and mumbling to himself. I can’t make out what he’s saying, but his whole reactionstrikes me as a bit odd. I didn’t think he’d love the idea of there being someone in my life before when we’ve got something building between us now, but I didn’t expect this. It seems like he’s close to losing it, and he’s always been so calm and collected.
“Chase?” He pauses and looks over to me. I can’t even explain the look on his face. He looks absolutely torn. Oh my God, does he know something? “Do you know something?”
He continues to stare at me as more of the same emotions wash over his face, only this time there is sadness as well. “I,” he starts. Then he shakes his head and turns away from me to resume pacing.
I get up from my place on the couch and boldly approach him. I wrap my arms around his waist and rest my cheek against his back. He immediately stops his forward motion and tenses up, but then relaxes and puts his hands over mine. “It’s okay, Chase. Whatever it is, it’s okay.”
He takes a deep breath, then says “I’m sorry, Ally, but I don’t know anything.”
Huh. Well, that I didn’t expect. Based off his reaction alone I thought he knew something. But maybe it was just the thought of something coming between us that upset him. I do my best to reassure him.
“Chase, whatever it is, whatever happened before, I want you to know that I care about you a lot. I like what we’ve gotgoing here, and I don’t want anything to change that. Things from the past might come up, and it might make me, or us, question things, but I’m happy here, now, with you. I want to see what this is.”
He sighs and squeezes my hands, then he turns around. Looking into my eyes, he frames my face with his hands. “You don’t know how good it is to hear you say that, baby girl.” He leans forward and gives me a brief, soft kiss. “I care about you a lot, too. I want us to have a real shot, so I’m being very careful here. I don’t want to make anyone upset, and you’ve been through a lot, so I don’t want to push you before you’re ready. But just know that I feel the same way you do, I care about you so much. I don’t want to lose you. I can’t lose you.”
I lay my head against his chest and smile. This man completely disarms me. He knows all the right things to say, all the time. It’s almost too good to be true, but he’s right here in front of me. I can see him and feel him, so I know he’s real. When he wraps his arms around me and kisses the top of my head, I melt.
“I’m going to ask the guys about it, too. Just to see if they remember anything.” I feel him stiffen under me. “I promise it’s not going to change anything between us.”
He pulls back and looks me in the eyes, his face completely serious. “I’m not sure that’s a good idea.”
“What? Why?”
“Just think about it, Al. If you didn’t tell anyone before, maybe there was a reason.”
I think about it, and he’s right. It was the same concern I had when I talked to Lucy. I didn’t want to create any unnecessary trouble. Things are going well with me and my brothers, and with me and Chase. Why rock the boat?
“You’re right,” I rest my head on his chest. “If it’s meant to be revealed, it will be.”
He exhales, and I feel his body lose its tension. He wraps his arms around me again and holds me close. “I don’t want to lose you, baby girl.”
I laugh, he’s so silly. As if he’d lose me. “I’m not going anywhere,” I promise him. He sighs and his grip tightens, as if he’s afraid if he lets go of me, I’m going to float away or something.
“I hope not,” he whispers.
We spend the rest of the evening curled up together on his couch, but something is off. Chase doesn’t kiss me or even really touch me. He just holds me as close as he can, my head tucked under his chin, like he really is afraid I am going to disappear.
Around midnight, I finally sneak back into my house, and I make it all the way to my room without bumping into my brothers.As I lay in my bed, I think about the entire scene with Chase. He just wasn’t himself, and I don’t know what I make of it. He seemed… scared. When I said goodnight, he held me so close and kept telling me he didn’t want to lose me.
Maybe it has something to do with the accident. We were all close back then, so it could be that he felt he lost me back then, and now, the idea that there might be another man makes him feel like he could lose me now, in a completely different way than before. I wish there was some way I could reassure him that that’s not the case. I only know him; I only want him. I can’t imagine feeling any differently.
I finally fall asleep to dreams of the color blue.
Chapter Twelve
School has started and I’m in seventh heaven. I love my classes, and I’m really good at it, too. I’m not sure if it’s innate talent, or if it’s because I’ve already read all my books, but I’m only two weeks in and already getting complimented left and right by my instructors on my techniques. I’ve even made friends with a couple of my classmates. It’s nice having people outside of the band to talk to and commiserate with.
Things between Chase and me are… complicated. It’s been a few weeks since we had our talk in his apartment, and since then, he has been a little distant. I guess a part of him might be worried about the skeletons that may be lurking in my closet, but I thought he would have gotten over it by now. I’ve told him time and time again that I’m only interested in him now, and that should be what matters. I know the distance doesn’t help either. It was already hard enough spending time together in secret, but now I’m in classes five days a week and studying the rest of the time, and he’s involved in the prep for the new album and upcoming tour. It’s even more difficult for us to find time together.
Part of me still wonders if I should confront my brothers and Joey to see if they have any idea of what I was up to before the accident. After the talk with Chase, I kind of let it go, happy to live in the now with him and returning to my original theory of whoever or whatever it was not being important enough if they or it could so easily disappear from my life. But it’s always going to be that niggling thought in the back of my mind, and maybe in the back of Chase’s as well. Maybe finding out some answers and putting it to bed once and for all will remove the strain on our relationship and allow us to finally move forward and come out of hiding. I hate lying to my brothers. Even if it’s just a lie of omission, it’s still a lie, and it’s not how I want to base our relationship.
I wish I could talk to Evie or Lucy about all this, but to do that and get a legitimate opinion from them, I’d have to reveal my relationship with Chase, and I’m not sure we’re anywhere near ready to go public. Especially since we’re in this limbo state.Lucy already gave me her opinion on the pre-accident situation, so she’d probably only reiterate that anyway. We’ve spoken a few times since our first conversation, but I conveniently steered clear of the topic, and I guess she knew enough not to ask. And Evie is just way too close to the guys to talk to about Chase. She’d probably tell Joey, who would in turn tell my brothers. When it came to Trevor and Alex, it had to come from me.
