Page 8 of Our Moon
“I really didn’t realize I was humming. I don’t even remember the song,” I say, beginning to feel like I’ve done somethingwrong. “Maybe I heard it on the radio or something.”
“That’s one of our songs,” Alex says. “But we never recorded it.”
“So maybe it was a subconscious memory?” I offer, perking up a little. Dr. Moody, who I still see weekly, said little things could start to make appearances here and there. Maybe this was one of them?
“It was written while you were in the coma,” Trevor supplies.
I visibly deflate. “I guess I must have heard it since then,” I shrug as I start drawing into myself. I’m feeling very uncomfortable now. Very out of place.
“We don’t play that song,” Alex states.
Trevor and Alex are standing side by side now in the doorway, searching my face for answers. I feel myself crumbling under their scrutiny. I start to feel the slow vibrations of an incoming anxiety attack. I’ve had a few since coming home, mostly when I feel the pressure of trying to remember. Dr. Moody tells me it will get better with time and that I have to stop pushing myself and punishing myself.
I rub my hands up and down my arms, trying to soothe myself as I start to lose my breath. “I’m s-sorry,” I pant out. I know it will take only seconds before I feel like I’m suffocating. I heave a heavy breath in beforedropping to my knees on the kitchen floor and folding in on myself next to my abandoned spoon and the cake batter splashed around it on the tile floor.
“What the hell happened?”
“I don’t know, she was fine one minute; we were talking, and then she started having an attack.”
I feel a warm hand running up and down my back and tingles in my spine. That’s a new symptom. “Take deep breaths, Ally. Deep breaths.” I try to listen. I can’t make out who is speaking to me. The voices sound like they’re under water.
“In and out, Ally. Breath in, breath out. Come on.” I focus on that voice. Calm, soothing. I measure my breaths against the voice, the movements of the hand on my back.
“What upset her?”
“She was humming.”
“That’s good, Ally, in and out,” the soothing voice says to me. Then to someone else it asks, “And that got her upset?”
“No, she was humming ‘Our Moon’.”
The hand on my back freezes for a moment, then continues. “So?”
“How does she know that song?”
“So what, you interrogated her?” The soothing voice is angry now. “Keep breathing, baby girl,” he quietly whispers to me. The underwater tone is disappearing.
“Shit, I didn’t mean to.”
“What the hell, man?”
“I’m sorry, Al.” That’s Trevor.
“Me too, little sis.” And Alex.
I don’t answer. My breathing is under control now, and I feel embarrassed. Because now I recognize the third voice, the soothing one. Chase. I just broke down in front of Chase. I’ve been avoiding him for weeks, and this is how we are reunited? Annoyed, I nudge what I assume is his hand off of my back and twist up from the floor, facing away from them. I’m sure I have tears and possibly snot on my face, as is often a result of my anxiety attacks. I don’t wanthimto see me like this.
“I’m fine,” I mumble and run off to my room before anyone can reach me. Falling face first into my bed, I cry. I cry because I’m embarrassed. I cry because I can’t remember, and I want to. So, so desperately. I cry for my brothers because they have to put up with me. And most of all, I cry because, while I’m so lucky and happy to be alive, I’m so incredibly frustrated.
After what feels like hours, but is probably only minutes, there’s a knock on my open door. “Can we come in?” Trevor asks.
I roll onto my back, and through tear-soaked eyes, I look at my brothers nod. They look about as bad as I feel, and their faces drop even more now that they’ve seen the tears on my face. I know I look horrible, thanks to the ugly cry I just had.
They come into my room, and Alex flops down on his back beside me, while Trevor sits down on my left.
“Ally, I’m so sorry for putting you on the spot like that,” Trevor says. Before I can interrupt and tell him it’s okay, he says, “It isnotokay that I did that.”
“I’m sorry, too, Al.” Alex adds. “There’s no excuse for our behavior, it was just an odd song choice is all. Kind of freaked us out.”
