Page 45 of The Fake Husband Play
Makena: Yes, obviously, I’m always in for brioche and walking, but you need to take about a thousand steps back, lady.
Rats in your walls? What the hell do you mean, rats?
IN YOUR WALLS?
And since when were you moving?! Was it because of the rats? Also, why didn’t you tell me about the rats? You totally could have stayed with me. I know I live in my shop illegally, and that’s sketchy as hell, but there are no RATS here, and we could have made room for three for a few nights.
So, where are you now?
I hope it’s somewhere safe, where you and Mimi feel good about the situation.
Elly: Yes, we feel great about it. And no, the move wasn’t because of the rats, it was…for other reasons I can’t talk about right now. But I will, I promise. It’s just a story best told inperson.
Makena: Fine. I’ll be over in ten minutes. Give me the address. It’s dead after the lunch rush, so I’ll close up early. I can’t wait until Sunday for the juicy gossip.
It’s juicy. I can’t tell.
You’re never this secretive unless it’s SUPER juicy.
Elly: I would normally tell you, Makena, you know I would, but…
Well, I haven’t discussed the “having people over” policy with my new roommate. I want to know what they think about that first before I start handing out our address, even to friends.
Please don’t be mad.
You know I trust you with my life and Mimi’s.
I just can’t make that kind of decision for another person, you know?
They might have strong feelings about not having people over to our place for some reason.
Makena: They? So, is the roommate non-binary? That’s cool, but I’m assuming you had them thoroughly vetted and background checked and all that before you moved in? You know me, I’m all for loving the he’s, she’s, they’s, and everything in between, but no one gets to live with my favorite people unless they have a clean criminal record.
Elly: The roommate is a man, actually. LOL. I don’t know why I said ‘they.’ Guess I’m still getting used to living with someone. But yes, he has a clean criminal record. He had to undergo an extensive background check for his job, so he’s all good. And he’s sooo nice, Mack, just a total sweetheart who’s so kind to Mimi and me and well…I think this is going to be good for us! A fresh start with no rats in the walls, a great new friend, and a chance to save money on rent while I look for work.
Makena: That does sound like a win, win! But you’re sure he’s nice? Like…for real? He’s not just playing nice while he tries to get into your pants? Not to be a hater, but you know how men are. And I think you underestimate what a gorgeous, irresistible creature you are. You’re basically like a supermodel, Elly, without even trying.
Elly: Oh, stop! I am not.
Makena: No, seriously, girl. If I were you, I would assume every man I met had a “get in my pants” agenda. Even the gay ones. Sometimes, an allegedly gay man will surprise you and go bisexual out of nowhere. Remember Barry, the sculptor? I thought he was my gay bestie wingman , only to have him whip his penis out on my couch and offer to give me the best penetrative orgasm of my life after a fewmargaritas. Remember that?
Elly: I do remember, and I still think you should have gone for it. Barry was gorgeous and didn’t seem like the kind of guy to make a claim like that unless he was sure he could deliver.
You guys could have been friends with benefits!
And then you could have told me what the “best penetrative orgasm of your life” felt like because I’m pretty sure I’ve never had one. Not even an average one.
Makena: Ugh, I know. And I hate that for you. One of your lovers should have gotten you there with his by now, girl. But it’s still a hard no for me on Barry. Hiding your interest in more than friendship for six months only to whip out an uninvited peen is a dealbreaker. It gave me the ick. He was also a huge slut, and I was afraid of catching cooties. I have enough going on right now without cooties.
Elly: Fair. And you’re right, no peen should be whipped anywhere without an invitation. Though Uninvited Peen is a fantastic band name.
Makena: Totally. The merch would be killer. So, speaking of peen, how long until you invite the roommate’s to a party in your vagina?
Elly: What?! Omg, what are you talking about? He’s a friend, Mack. A NEW friend. I barely know him.
Makena: Barely knowing a guy never stopped him from melting a girl’s panties, and this man is totally melting yours. I can tell. You’re being cagey and weird and a little bit swoony.
You have a crush on your roommate, and he’s GOING to get invited to the vagina party!
