Page 76 of Scarred Sins
“Oh,’’ is all I can muster up to say.
“This is the third time you’ve been weirded out by this. I can’t read your mind. Blair, you need to tell me what’s going on in that pretty head of yours.’’
Arlo bops my temple with a soft touch of his index finger, his gaze soft and tender whilst he waits for an answer from me. An answer I’m too ashamed to say out loud; something that’s been eating me alive since the first time he mentioned Zoe in my presence. It’s my most shameful thought, and I’m not sure I’m ready for the look of disappointment that I’ll inevitably get from Arlo.
I’m jealous, and that thought is killing me. The girl needs help, as much as I needed it, and there’s someone not only willing to help but with means and resources to get her out as safely as possible. I should be ecstatic that another woman will be helped and won’t be going through the horrors for too much longer.
Instead, I’m a bitter, jealous person. Our situations aren’t the same, but the aspects of mental, physical, and sexual abuse are something we share, something that made Arlo do a double take when he first saw my name in the reports at the prison.
Something that made him come back to me.
The other thing is my connection to Nelson Adams and Paul Simmons – both of which she has, too.
The rational part of my brain tells me that I’m worried about nothing. Images of Arlo’s deep, intense eyes on me from last night resurface, and my heart flutters. He’s constantly reassuring me, telling me he’ll never leave. So why am I acting like a child?
With a deep breath, I open my mouth to speak. Yet, all I do is close my mouth again, unable to speak my thoughts. It’s starting to get overwhelming – the stupidity of my feelings and the fear of being left for someone who’s similar to me are threatening to leap to the surface, and the fear of Arlo’s reaction is the only thing that’s stopping me from letting the words spill.
Gently, Arlo pushes a strand of my hair, tucking it behind my ear. His hand lingers on my cheek, the tender gaze not leaving me for a moment. He’s being patient, and it’s hard not to fall for this giant teddy bear.
“It’s just…’’ I swallow thickly, trying to form a coherent sentence without making a fool out of myself. “I have these thoughts…’’
“What thoughts, butterfly?”
My words are shaky, my voice cracking as I force myself to let the truth out.
“I hate the thought of you helping Zoe because on some level, she’s just another version of me. And I’m scared you’ll replace me and toss me aside.’’
Utter and complete silence falls around us.
Arlo’s hand drops from my cheek, and my chest aches at the sudden loss of contact. His eyes don’t tell me a thing – the man has the perfect poker face. He blinks a couple of times, trying to figure out if he’d heard me right.
“What?”
I look away, shame taking over all my senses. Now that it’s out, I can’t take it back. My body shudders at the dark thoughts that slowly slither into my brain, wrapping themselves around me like a snake, squeezing, and almost poisoning my mind beyond the point of coming back.
Arlo’s touch snaps me out of it. He takes my hand in his, pressing my knuckles to his lips. He kisses them gently, letting his lips linger on my skin for a couple of moments. He doesn’t say anything, and I’m getting anxious, waiting for his response.
“Listen, butterfly,’’ he starts off, voice soft as he glances up at me, speaking against my shaking knuckles. “I don’t know where the insecurities are coming from, but there’s nothing you should worry about. I’m helping her because Ican.I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I allowed her to rot away in that place, knowing that I could’ve helped her. However, there’s no replacement for you, Blair. You’re the one I chose; you’re the one I’ll choose, always. In a room full of women, I’ll always find and pick you. You’re not some disposable toy for me, butterfly. You’re someone I’ll spend the rest of my life with.’’
My brows narrow a little, the possessive flame inside me starting to grow. “Why would you even be in a room full of other women?”
A small laugh comes from Arlo’s lips, and he lowers my hand from his lips. He’s still holding it, placing it on his lap and stroking the back of my palm with his thumb. An amused smirk lingers on his face, soaking in my annoyed expression.
“That’s your takeaway from all of that?” He chuckles. “Fine then, I’ll do my best not to find myself in a room filled with women, alright?”
I did hear every word he said, and I’m trying not to let it get to my head. My chest flutters; my heart picks up the pace, beating rapidly against my ribcage. With a small smile, I manage to push the thoughts of Arlo with other women to the back of my head, giving his hand a soft squeeze.
“Okay,’’ I mumble.
He kisses my forehead, hands wrapping around my waist. Before I know what’s happening, Arlo pulls me onto his lap, and I straddle him, looking down at him. His hands are on my hips, rubbing soothing circles over the silky fabric of the robe.
My hands are on his chest before I slowly move them up, wrapping around his neck. He shudders, his eyes closing for a moment or two. When he opens them, a hint of vulnerability flickers behind the soft gaze, and my heart skips a beat.
“I like having you like this,’’ he mutters, voice low. “On my lap, holding you close.’’
As if to prove a point, he pulls me as close as possible, not leaving a single inch of space between our bodies. Shivers run down my spine, my throat suddenly getting dry. The depth, the fervor of his eyes, makes me unable to look away. For a moment, I get lost in the bright color of his eyes, seeing my reflection in them. He barely blinks, soaking up the moment.
I’ve never let anyone touch me like this. And when I was touched like this, it was never with my consent. Now, Arlo’s testing the waters, but it’s abundantly clear that I don’t mind him holding me like this. In fact, it feels almost too good.
