Page 68 of Carnival
“It’s been quiet since James got arrested. Aside from being followed a few times and my apartment being broken into, they haven’t tried anything yet. Why?”
“Because you’re under my protection,’’ Hudson says, sipping on the alcohol from his flask, looking straight into my eyes. “And no one dares to touch what Hudson De Santis is protecting. You’re like one of my own, Rosalie.’’
The anger slowly starts fading away, but the hurt from it all remains. I can’t shake off the feeling of uselessness that’s deeply rooted inside me. I’m not of any use in their business, except for helping out here and there. I don’t have any skills they’d be able to use, and one time that something is about me that directly affects me, they keep me in the dark for two whole fucking years.
“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you, Rose,’’ Hudson says, voice filled with sincerity. “I truly did what I thought was best for you.’’
“Why?” I take a deep breath. “Why did you think keeping me in the dark was the better option? Why did you think thatallowing me to feel guilt for something I wasn’t to blame for was the solution?”
“The night you snuck out with that cop to see James,’’ he gives me a pointed look, and I smile sheepishly in return. I truly thought no one noticed me leave and return, because I did my best to be as silent and as invisible as possible. “I knew you’d find a way to see him, so I instructed him to do anything to push you away. I wanted you to enjoy your youth, Rosalie. I wanted you to focus on your studies, on your social life, and not to worry about a thing.’’
“And you hurt me in the process.’’
“I know. I’m sorry,’’ he leans forward, hands resting on the dark, oak wood table in front of him. “Noelle and I are far from saints. Arlo and Blair have gone through a lifetime of shit, something no one should ever go through. And Aria…’’ he pauses, jaw clenching, “she went through a horrible cycle of abuse that I didn’t see in time. She’s killed people; all of us have. But you? You’re the only pure one. You’re the only one whose soul hasn’t been tainted, and I tried to keep you like that. To keep your heart bright and soul undamaged.’’
That’s precisely the point.
I may not have gone through trauma similar to theirs, but I had my fair share of shitty situations. The moment I met James, my heart turned pitch black. There was never a way out for me. The man claimed me in all the ways possible and ensured that I’d forever seek the comfort of the dark abyss he provides.
“Actually,’’ I croak out. “There’s something you need to know.’’
He lifts a brow. “Go on.’’
“The foster family James and I shared…’’ I pause, steeling myself and bracing for the inevitable. “They had a daughter. She passed away.’’
Hudson nods. “Yes, an accident, if I remember correctly. She drowned, didn’t she?”
“It wasn’t an accident,’’ I whisper. “I killed her.’’
Hudson freezes. His mouth parts, ever so slightly, look of pure shock coursing through him. He doesn’t blink, merely stares at me, trying to figure out if I’m lying. When all he sees is honesty, he curses under his breath.
“Fucking hell, Rose,’’ he softens his voice. “What happened?”
This wasn’t why I came here. My goal was to yell, to scream, to demand an apology from him, and to try and understand why the man who swore he saw me as his daughter would do anything to hurt me.
Yet, here I am, swallowing down words, knowing that the moment I start talking, the entire trajectory of our relationship will change. However, I can’t keep it in me any longer. I haven’t told anyone about this, not even Aria.
How could I tell her that I’m nothing but a monster?
How could I tell her that the moment James told me what I’d done, all of the memories came back in a flash, and my mental health has never been the same since? How am I supposed to tell them that I killed a teenager?
But I need to tell someone, anyone.
So, I start talking, eyes glued to the floor, tears falling onto my lap.
???
A yawn slips from me, my eyes feeling droopy. Between taking all of my exams, because I do want to graduate this spring and not take another year, and trying, without success, to see James, I’m exhausted.
The campus’ library is huge, and it’s been crowded with students trying to meet their deadlines for the past few weeks. Chase, Danica, and I are in a far corner, with sheets of work spread on the desk.
Danica’s the most diligent one out of us three. Her hair falls in soft waves just above her shoulders, the deep chestnut shade glistening under the dimmed lighting of the library. Freckles are speckled all over her cheeks, and the longer I look at her, the less I understand how a girl like her is single.
One of the most intelligent girls in our class, with a heart of gold. Not to mention she’s drop-dead gorgeous and tall, with a curvy figure that I can’t help but feel jealous of from time to time.
Danica takes off her glasses, pinching the bridge of her nose with her index finger and thumb, then takes a deep breath before looking at Chase and me. I’m not too behind on my studies, but my mind’s been fried.
The stress is slowly getting to me, and mixed with the nightmares that haunt me nightly, I can’t force myself to fall asleep.
