Page 104 of Pistols and Plush Toys

As they walked, Elliot couldn’t help but think about how nice the dinner had been. But not because of the food—though that had been quite good. No, it was the fact that it had been dinner withNikolai.Nikolai was so easy to talk to, especially once he’d managed to make Elliot forget his nerves.

And Nikolai seemed to like listening toElliottalk. Certainly he let Elliot go on about food often enough, which was the main thing Elliot liked to talk about. But Nikolai never seemed like he was faking his interest either. He always asked relevant and thoughtful questions, and often made reference to things Elliot had already told him.

Was that what it was supposed to be like with Mattia all along? If Elliot had known what he was missing, maybe he wouldn’t have stuck around so long. Maybe–

Elliot was jerked out of his thoughts by Nikolai's hand sliding away from his back and finding his own hand under the jacket. Elliot clamped down on a fluttery feeling rising inside him as Nikolai linked their hands together.

He really needed to stop comparing Nikolai to Mattia. For one thing, he and Nikolaiweren’t actually dating.None of their dates were real. Even if Nikolai was being kind to him, tonight was still a performance. Nikolai was playing the part of a doting boyfriend.

But warmth kept bubbling up through him as they walked, despite the chill in the evening air.

Elliot had just… never been taken out like this. Certainly never touched like this, holding hands on a quiet evening. Everything was soft and careful, done without the expectation of more later.

Although part of it was possibly just the circumstances. Elliotknewnothing was going to happen later.

Because this wasn’t real.

It was still nice though. Nice to be touched and taken care of, without all the pressure. Even in the beginning with Mattia there’d been heavy expectations. Elliot had gone along with it, because it had been exciting.

Hadit been exciting?

He tried to think again about those first few months. It was hard to decipher now what that jittery feeling was. He remembered the pressure more clearly, how badly he’d wanted to get everything right. Mattia had been so muchmorethan him, and he’d been clear about his standards. About how often people fell beneath them.

Elliot had wanted to be the exception. He’d wanted to be good.

In the end, he was just like all the rest. Constantly failing Mattia.

“You okay?” Nikolai asked after a block of silence.

Elliot blinked away the direction his thoughts had taken. “Yeah, um, sorry. Just thinking.”

“About what?” Nikolai asked.

“This. Um, dating,” Elliot said.

“Yes?” Nikolai asked, tilting his head.

“I—I know this is… planned.” Elliot said quickly. He sighed. “I just… I can’t help thinking how it was never this easy with Mattia.”

“Never this easy?” Nikolai parroted.

“He’d take me to all of these fancy places, give me all these expensive gifts, but I never felt like…” Elliot sagged. “It felt like it was allforsomething. Like he bought me all these nice things so I had to go where he wanted to go, and do what he wanted to do. There was always this—weight. Dragging me down.”

“What he’s expecting of you,” Nikolai said with understanding.

“Yeah! Yes, um, yes exactly.” Elliot shook his head. “It was like I couldn’t say no. I couldn’t have a different opinion. He never even let me choose the restaurants.”

“He is fool,” Nikolai said at once. “Your choices are best.”

Elliot smiled, ducking his head. It was so nice to betoldthat. To have someone say something positive about it.

“I guess I—I’m just realizing that maybe that was on purpose,” Elliot said after another moment. “I tried sohard,but nothing ever made him happy. Things Iknewhe liked, he would hate the second I chose them. Nothing I did or said was ever right. It was always so, so hard. I thought–I thought it was my fault. That maybe I—I deserved it when he got upset, because I was the one messing up.”

“You were not deserving Vitale,” Nikolai said, scowling.

Elliot hiccuped a laugh. “I’m trying to tell myself that. Now, I mean.”

“Good,” Nikolai said emphatically, giving Elliot’s hand a squeeze.

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