Page 106 of Pistols and Plush Toys

He was happy to see Nikolai again before he turned in instead.

When Nikolai walked into the room, he had an uncertain expression on his face. “I’m knowing I wish you good night already, but I’m… wanting to say it again.”

“Thank you,” Elliot said, feeling shy. Especially so dressed down, in his dimly lit bedroom. It felt intimate, talking to Nikolai this way. “I had a really nice time.”

“Me too,” Nikolai said. He took a breath, eyes lowering to catch sight of Elliot surrounded by his stuffed animals. “I’m hoping you sleep better tonight. That you dream of nicer things.”

“I hope so too,” Elliot said. “I’d like it if—” he stopped, eyes wide.

If I dreamed of tonight instead.

Oh no. Oh no, that was… that was such a bad thought to have.

“What would you like?” Nikolai asked, coming closer to the bed where Elliot was tucked up. Oh no, he was sohandsome.Elliot had always known it, even in the beginning. His blue eyes were focused now, focused on Elliot. “We can do next time.”

“I’d like it if I could dream of the dinner we had,” Elliot said in a rush. “The pasta was delicious, and I don’t think I’ve had better minestrone soup.”

Nikolai chuckled, sounding fond. “Way to your heart is with food.”

Elliot flushed.The way to his heart.

But to Nikolai, the date had been pretend. Even while he’d held Elliot’s hand, comforted Elliot in the restaurant and on the walk to the theater, the date itself wasn’t real.

It was just to bait Mattia.

“Do you think any of Mattia's men were watching us?” Elliot asked as Nikolai perched at the end of his bed. As Elliot tried not to react to Nikolai that close.

“I’m not knowing,” Nikolai said. “Gerard does not think he has many men left.”

“Oh,” Elliot said. “Then… do you think the dating idea won’t work?”

Nikolai shook his head. “I’m thinking it will work best of any plan we have.” He smiled. “But I’m will keep you safe, I promise.”

“I’m not worried about me,” Elliot said, rubbing his shoulder. “I-I’m worried about you. Or Gerard, or—”

Nikolai reached out and Elliot froze, but Nikolai immediately changed direction and plucked up Sheep instead. He nuzzled Sheep up against Elliot’s bare arm and Elliot’s whole body fluttered.

“You should not worry,” Nikolai murmured. Sheep trailed up to Elliot’s shoulder and then back down all the way to his fingertips. “I am strong, Gerard is strong, and I have many men, more men than Vitale.”

“I understand, I just–” Elliot shivered as Sheep stroked across the back of his knuckles. He uncurled his hand so itsmuzzle could press plushy kisses to his palm. “In my nightmares he comes here and hurts you and it’s all my fault.”

Nikolai made a soft sound. “Is not your fault. Look, see? I’m not hurt. Is okay.”

Elliot’s fingers curled around Sheep’s face. “Will I–” Elliot hesitated, the question squeezing his heart. “Will I ever not feel afraid?”

“Yes,” Nikolai said. “I’m used to worry about my father coming to America, forcing me back to Russia. Big fear. But eventually it went away. With friends, with time, with therapy. You move forward, then it has been twenty years. Maybe you are still afraid of things, but I say before, you are brave. Life is not about being fearless, is about moving forward even if you’re afraid.”

Elliot had never thought about it like that. About fear being a roadblock he could climb over instead of a brick wall stopping him in his tracks.

Then his eyes drifted over the hand still holding Sheep, the scars on Nikolai’s knuckles. “He… he’s not going to come over here and make you go back to Russia, is he?”

“No,” Nikolai said gently. “I’m thinking that time has passed. I do his business here, and he is leaving me alone.”

“Okay,” Elliot said, relieved. “That’s good.”

“But now you must sleep,” Nikolai said. “Is long day, and you didn’t sleep well.”

He lifted Sheep up and Elliot scooted down properly under the covers, taking a quiet, shuddering breath when Nikolai placed Sheep back down at his side, snuggled up against him and then adjusted Apricot and Max to be tucked up too.

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