Page 107 of Pistols and Plush Toys

“Thank you,” Elliot said in the darkness, as Nikolai went to retreat.

“For what?” Nikolai asked, turning back to him, just a silhouette.

“For… for making me feel safe,” Elliot whispered. Because even with the nightmares, the threat of Mattia looming, he did feel safe.

Because of Nikolai.

“Thank you for being brave,” Nikolai replied. “Goodnight, Elliot.”

“Goodnight,” Elliot said, and then Nikolai left the room, closing the door behind him.

Once he was gone, Elliot lay in bed with his stuffed animals tucked around him and felt the phantom sensation of Sheep stroking up and down his skin. Nikolai was always so gentle with him. So careful. He was so kind, even when he didn’t have to be, when it was just the two of them alone in this room.

He… he liked when Nikolai touched him with one of the plush animals. It made him feel so warm and easy. It was also sort of a loophole in Mattia's threat. Because Apricot or Max or Sheep touching him wasn’tNikolaitouching him.

And that was okay, right?

Elliot sighed and rolled over, burying his face in the pillow. It was just so niceto betouched.A simple comfort he hadn’t realized until recently he’d gone so long without.

Every time Mattia put his hands on Elliot, it had been with desire. There had been an unspoken demand for sex, even if Elliot hadn’t really… let himself realize that that was all it was. He’d just wanted to please Mattia.

Which, of course, meant that all of the sex theyhadhad… had revolved almost exclusively around Mattia's desires.

What of…Elliot’sdesire?

Elliot thought about the warmth thrumming through his body now and tried to trace back the last time he’d felt like that. It had been a long time. Months? Years?

When was the last time he’d felt safe with Mattia?

Had heever?

When he turned those memories of their early days over in his mind now, Elliot saw them differently. Duller. Like they’d once been bright polaroid pictures, and now they were yellowed and grainy, the edges warping.

Elliot’s hand fumbled out from under his covers to find Sheep and pull him close. He wrapped his arms around the plush and rubbed his cheek against Sheep’s soft wool.

As he did so, he got a lingering whiff of Nikolai's cologne in the fur, and felt more of that drugging warmth flow through him.

It was a sobering thought that Nikolai, who Elliot hadn’t met all that long ago, had cared for him more in the last few weeks than Mattia had in all the years of their relationship. Nikolai didn’t even have to do any of what he’d been doing. But he’d been making so much effort to make sure Elliot was comfortable here.

Elliot breathed out a hot puff of air against Sheep. The warmth from their evening was everywhere now, from his toes to his fingertips. His thighs shifted restlessly, and he could feel the heat concentrating between them.

Desire burbled up, syrupy and almost sweet. He hadn’t felt actual desire in so long.

Elliot hadn’t touched himself in months. Hadn’t felt the need. But now, one of his hands wandered down to his sleep shorts. He slid a hand over himself through the fabric, and the warmth there became gentle sparks. He rubbed his face against Sheep, breathing in the scent of Nikolai’s cologne. It was soothing, that scent. Not sharp, like so many of the ones that Mattia wore.

It meant safety. Comfort.

His hips pushed up against his own hand, and Elliot heard himself make a caught sound. It startled him, his own reaction, how good it felt in his body. Like he was coming back to himself.Like those simple touches with Sheep had made him alive in his skin again.

A small voice in the back of his head tried to tell him he should stop, but Elliot… Elliot didn’twantto. He wanted–

His hand wrapped loosely around himself, feeling his cock stiffen further. That was another shock, feeling himself harden. He’d had times, with Mattia, when even trying to get off had done very little for him. Nothing in his head could stoke him to finish.

Now it seemed all too easy.

Elliot’s other hand pulled Sheep away from his chest and trailed its nose down his arm again in a facsimile of what Nikolai had done. He shivered as his hips pushed up against his own hand. He remembered the look on Nikolai’s face, how watchful he’d been to make sure the touch was okay.

In the dark with his eyes closed, it was all too easy to conjure the scene again. Nikolai sitting on the bed beside him, moving Sheep across his skin. Controlling that softness trailing up and down his side, tickling his neck and then his cheek with the fluff.

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