Page 114 of Pistols and Plush Toys

Nikolai saw Elliot just briefly at midday when he knocked at Nikolai’s office door. Ready to take a break from his emails if Elliot needed something, he was surprised when Elliot brought in a small tray with a sandwich and some sort of grape salad.

Nikolai smiled and thanked him, pleased and grateful. Not only because Elliot had thought of him enough to bring him lunch, but because it seemed as though whatever had been bothering Elliot that morning was nowhere to be found.

It did wonders for Nikolai’s tension, as even while he’d been managing both his jewelry stores and his father’s businesses, he’d still wondered what he’d done wrong.

It eased something in him, to know that he’d been forgiven. And even after Elliot had slipped back out and closed the door behind him, some of that ease stayed with Nikolai the rest of the day. The sandwich and grapes were delicious, and kept him working through email after email and altogether too many phone calls.

By the time Nikolai finished work hours later, he was grateful to have eaten lunch. In the thick of things he could forget to eat, and then was dragging himself around by the end of the day. That was often when he ordered something deep fried or covered in sugar.

But as he opened his office door, despite the beginnings of hunger, he wasn’t running on fumes. The scent of dinner cooking caught his attention. It was warm and vaguely familiar, and Nikolai followed the scent to the living room.

Surprisingly, Elliot was there on the sofa on his phone.

“Um, dinner is almost ready, but it’ll be another half hour,” Elliot said apologetically.

“Is okay, I’m just tired of working,” Nikolai said as he walked over to the couch. “Is okay if I’m watch something?”

Elliot had been comfortably reclined, but he sat up quickly at that. “Of course! It’s–it’s yourhouse, I can go to the–”

“Maybe you stay?” Nikolai interrupted. It was nice to see Elliot out of his room, and Nikolai was in no hurry to see the man disappear again. “We can watch episode of Checklists, maybe? You were wanting to see, yes?”

“Oh!” Elliot perked up, the nerves leaving him. “Yeah, okay. I haven’t got to watch it yet.” He gave Nikolai a smile. “That sounds fun.”

“I hope it will be fun,” Nikolai said, returning that pretty smile. “I will pick good episode.”

Nikolai took a seat on the couch, leaving some distance between them, and picked up the remote. He turned on his TV and flicked through the selections, finding a season and episode he thought Elliot would like.

As it started, Elliot settled back against the couch, but this time his phone was set down beside him.

This episode of Checklists was a good one. The contestants had one hour and a watermelon, a box of uncooked pasta, and a bunch of bananas. They had to create the tallest tower that would hold a rubber duck on top.

As the contestants got through the explanation and started the assembly though, Nikolai found his attention on Elliot instead of the TV. Elliot was smiling as the first contestant got the idea of peeling the bananas to use them as glue to stick pasta together, but quickly found the consistency too soft to hold anything up, and could not, in fact, put the bananas in their sturdier shell for use.

Elliot laughed as it got more and more ridiculous, one contestant trying to make a pyramid out of cut watermelon pieces, snapping the thin pasta they were attempting to use as the support structures. His face and throat were still bruised, and he had to be still in pain, but it didn’t stop the way he laughed, the way his eyes crinkled with amusement as they watched the show.

It was so nice seeing him laugh, seeing him at ease in this space. Nikolai wondered how much laughter there’d been in his previous life.

Not enough.

That felt criminal. Elliot was so soft and sweet, and he deserved to be happy. The fact that anyone would look at him and not want to make him happy?Notwant to make him laugh?

If only Nikolai could keep him like this. He could keep making him happy, couldn’t he? Coax more of those sweet smiles out of him. For all his grumbling and groaning, Nikolai didn’t mind when Meredith and Gerard ganged up on him. Being the butt of their friendly joking was its own sort of reward. He liked his friends being happy. He especially liked being the cause of it. Making Elliot laugh was far sweeter still. Like a rush, a swelling inside his rib cage.

Then Elliot turned to him, to share a look about a joke on screen, but Nikolai hadn’t been paying attention to the TV. He felt his heart clench to have all that turned his way. He wanted–

No.Hecouldn’twant. Elliot wasn’t his to keep. He never had been, neverwouldbe. When this was all over Elliot would leave, because if he wasn’t made for the life that he’d ended up in with Vitale, why would he want to jump right into a similar life with Nikolai?

No. Elliot deserved a happy, peaceful life. And Nikolai would always come with an amount of risk. No matter what he did, he had his father’s face and he had his father’s name. He could do all the work in the world to distance himself, but he still belonged to that family. He still belonged, in part, to that world.

The kitchen timer went off, breaking the moment.

“Oh! That’s dinner!” Elliot said, popping up from his seat. Nikolai automatically reached for the remote and paused the show.

In the silence after, he listened to Elliot in the kitchen moving around. His thoughts drifted around aimlessly between what he wanted and what he couldn’t have. He needed to stop noticing Elliot like that. Elliot wasn’t his and Nikolai would never try to make him stay.

And so if Nikolai let himself think about what he wanted and wished for—

It would only hurt more when Elliot left.

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