Page 121 of Pistols and Plush Toys

Eventually Elliot would have to take back this story, so he didn’t want to build too heavy on the lie.

Xander:I think figuring things out is a good place to be in, after everything you went through with your ex. Nikolai’s not pressuring you or anything, is he?

Elliot thought back to last night, when Elliot had confessed to his fear of more nightmares and Nikolai had picked up Max and had the bear kiss his cheek for comfort. Elliot had startled, because the memory of what he’d done with Sheep the night before had been too close, and he’d felt like it was written all over his.

But Nikolai had backed off at the smallest amount of uncertainty. He’d quickly put the bear down and left right after. Elliot had laid there in bed swamped with conflicting guilt afterward, but now there was a sweetness in the memory.

Because Nikolai, time after time, was nothing like Mattia. He was so gentle with Elliot, so careful every time Elliot was nervous or jumpy. Elliot couldn’t imagine the man pressuring him. Not Nikolai, who bought Elliot stuffed animals and thenused them to kiss his healing bruises. Not Nikolai, who fled the room at the thought that Elliot might be uncomfortable with him there.

No, that was the farthest thing from the truth.

Elliot:No. He’s not that type of person. He’s been really careful to make sure I feel safe and supported here.

Elliot:He’s been really kind to me.

***

In the days after having the conversation with Xander, Elliot couldn’t stop noticing Nikolai. Couldn’t stop his thoughts from wandering in the direction ofwhat if this were real?

Despite Nikolai’s workload, they had every breakfast and dinner together, and when Nikolai was home, Elliot would bring him lunch. They talked the most at dinner, Nikolai complimenting the meal and then asking Elliot for details about it. The questions never seemed forced either—he would gently coax Elliot into talking and all Nikolai’s questions then were thoughtful, engaged, and relevant. Sometimes he’d talk about his own day, usually complaining with humor about issues, or sharing fun or funny asides from Meredith or Gerard.

After dinner, they’d fallen into the habit of watching an episode or two of Checklists, and afterwards they’d relax on the couch together in quiet companionship. Sometimes Elliot would read or play games on his phone, sometimes he’d go and get one of his puzzle books. Nikolai would usually read himself or do some extra work, interspersed with texting Gerard and Meredith. He’d share funny asides from those conversations with Elliot, making Elliot laugh.

It was nice. Easy in a way Elliot had never experienced before.

They never touched though. Nikolai sat on the opposite end of the couch and never tried to decrease the distance.

But every night, after Elliot had brushed his teeth and gotten into bed, Nikolai would come to his door.

“I’m wanting to say goodnight to you and Max and Sheep and Apricot,” he’d say. Sometimes they’d have a conversation, but sometimes it was just that. Just a sweet good night to Elliot and his stuffed friends.

Elliot went to bed each night with the sweet ache of that in his chest, one that grew a little bit bigger every day. He knew he shouldn’t let it, knew that all of this was temporary, but he couldn’t seem to help his longing. Telling Xander that he and Nikolai were dating as though it were real had opened up a door that Elliot couldn’t seem to close.

Maybe… a part of him didn’t want to close it.

By the time Wednesday arrived, Elliot worried that seeing Xander in person would only make his longing worse. That talking to his friend and pretending like Nikolai actuallywashis boyfriend would be making it too real for himself too.

But he couldn’t tell Xander the truth. Certainly not yet. Maybe not ever.

So for the time being, Nikolai… was Elliot’s boyfriend.

“Okay, so I don’t want to scare you,” Xander said in a hushed voice after they’d put in a drink order and the waitress had left. “But there’s a guy across the diner who came in right after us, and he keeps looking over here.”

Elliot’s heart immediately leapt into his throat.Was the man one of Mattia’s men?

It took all of him not to turn and look. “What does he look like?” Elliot asked, low and nervous. He bit at his lip and had to force himself to stop.

Xander also looked nervous, reaching to fiddle with the silicone music note necklace he was wearing. “He’s blond, with short, sort of buzzed hair and a leather jacket. Um, earrings. Mid 40s?”

Leather jacket–

“Is there a rainbow pin on the jacket?”

Xander had been keeping his eyes down, but he waited a second and then glanced up. “Oh, uh, yeah? I think so?”

Elliot’s shoulders dropped, and he let out a long whoosh of air. “Okay. Um, that’s just Gerard. He’s… he’s Nikolai’s friend. And mine now, I guess.”

“Oh,” Xander said, frowning in confusion. “But… why is he following you?” He leaned forward, whispering. “Are you okay?”

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