Page 146 of Pistols and Plush Toys

“Vitale is worst,” Nikolai said. “Does not mean I’m still not bad.”

Over the phone Gerald made a huffing sound. “I mean, you two have been getting along, right? Is he comfortable staying with you?”

“I think yes,” Nikolai allowed. “He’s eat more. More… happy.” Those sweet, shy smiles, the bright spots of laughter. “I hope.”

Gerard hummed thoughtfully over the line. Nikolai thought he could almost hear the softshckof metal being played with. “Listen… you like him, Kolya. So maybe it’s worth a try? I mean, after all of this is done. What’s the harm in talking about it, if he says yes?”

“I’m not safe,” Nikolai said sharply. “What we—what I do, is not safe.”

“I really hope you’re not comparing the way we run things to the way that that fuck does,” Gerard said.

“I know we do better,” Nikolai said. “But is still dangerous. Right now, Elliot, he’s live with me, is employed by me. He’s dependent. Is not free choice.”

“Fine, I’ll give you that,” Gerard sighed. “Right now it’s… tricky.”

“Yes,” Nikolai said. “Is why—”

“But right now is not forever,” Gerard interrupted him. “After Mattia’s been fit for his cement shoes, Elliot doesn’t have to be dependent on you.”

“I’m not safe forever,” Nikolai grumbled.

“My god, you’re always so dramatic,” Gerard said. Nikolai could practically hear the eye roll. “Does Elliot agree with you?”

“Agree with what?”

“That being with you is so unsafe that he wouldn’t want it,” Gerard said. “Like, have you actuallyasked himwhat he wants?”

“Is not—” Nikolai started.

“So you don’t know.” Gerard interrupted. “You don’t know what Elliot wants, do you? But you’re just going to decide what he wants? Take away his choice, the way Mattia did?”

Nikolai cringed. “I just am wanting him safe.”

“Okay, yeah, I get that,” Gerard said. “But Kolya, nothing in life is one hundred percent safe, you know that, right? I mean, it’s all varying amounts of risk. Like, I love Meri like a sister, and I want her to be safe, but I invited her into this. I knew she’d be brilliant at the job, so I gave her the full picture of what it would come with and the option to choose whether or not to take it. I can try to keep her safe, but I can’t keep her in a cage. That’s the kind of shit that Mattia did.”

He wasn’t wrong, but Nikolai didn’t like hearing it. Not because he didn’t want the outcome where Elliot chose to stay with him, but because the hope of it was almost too painful to bear. It was one thing to brace himself for Elliot leaving. It was another to consider he might not. Hope could be even more painful than keeping oneself shut off altogether.

“I think you should ask him,” Gerard said when Nikolai had nothing to say. “Elliot already knows what to expect, with this life. He’s alreadybeenunsafe in basically every sense of the word. So man up, yeah? Be honest about your feelings and see what he wants. That's the only way you’re going to know. The only way you can actuallyrespect his autonomy.”

There was movement from the building, Nikolai’s men coming out, having finished cleanup.

“Maybe,” Nikolai conceded. “I have to go.”

Gerard laughed. “Honestly just surprised you hadn’t hung up on me yet. See you tonight?”

“See you tonight,” Nikolai said, and hung up the phone.

***

When Nikolai got home that afternoon, he managed to make it across the house and into the shower without running into Elliot. He was glad for it, because he needed to wash off the day.

Needed to wash off the thoughts rattling around in his head, before he could face Elliot again.

By the time he was out and dressed, he knew one thing for sure: he needed to tell Elliot about Vitale coming back. Now that they had more concrete information, Elliot deserved to be kept in the loop at least somewhat.

Because a lot of what Gerard said rang true in other areas too. Nikolai didn’t want to control Elliot. Didn’t want to make decisions for him. So he had to be honest.

Maybe not about the other thing, not now. Nikolai had decided that kind of honesty would be best left for later. For when Elliot wasn’t relying on him for everything.

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