Page 160 of Pistols and Plush Toys

Elliot was so gentle. So deserving of kindness and care. He didn’t belong in Nikolai’s world. Not with the ever present dangers that shadowed Nikolai’s life.

If Elliot were Nikolai’s, then he’d be vulnerable. Rivals would see him as a weakness to exploit. Someone with a thirst for power could try to hurt Elliot to get to Nikolai.

After all, hadn’t that been what Nikolai had done, when Elliot was with Vitale?

Nikolai shifted under his covers as the thoughts battered him. He simply didn’t have many people in his life that he was so close to. Meredith was vulnerable of course, which was why she had constant protection. Gerard could handle himself, but he too was rarely without another employee.

Elliot couldn’t want the dangers of Nikolai’s business hanging over him. Elliot loved cooking—his dream was to work in restaurants. How could he be happy if he was always having to look over his shoulder? If he always needed a guard at his back, no matter where he was and what he was doing? He’d never be free to just… be a person.

Vitalehad done that. Locked Elliot up in a penthouse fortress and forbidden Elliot from seeing friends. Elliot had been allowed to cook, but only in Vitale’s establishment.

Nikolai couldn’t—wouldn’tbe like Vitale.

So instead of kissing Elliot goodnight like he’d so dearly wanted to do, Nikolai had left Elliot in his bedroom, soft and sleepy and sweet, and gone back to his own room.

But sleep wouldn’t come for him.

Elliot had given him such a gift with that evening’s meal. Nikolai had missed the food of his childhood, but he hadn’t actually thought he’d ever recapture it. In Nikolai's life, when things were gone, they weregone.

Nikolai should have left well enough alone after. He’d thanked Elliot at dinner, he hadn’t needed to go to Elliot’s bedroom. Hadn’t needed to pick up ???? and—

He needed to apologize. He needed to explain to Elliot how hard his life would become if they were to be together. If Nikolai was selfish, if Nikolai tried tokeepElliot then…

Then Elliot would lose his freedom.

***

Nikolai groaned when he checked the time on his phone. It was still early, but it was no longer a completely unreasonable time to get out of bed. He’d had an awful night of tossing and turning, because every time he closed his eyes Nikolai pictured Elliot, soft and sweet, and he ached for what he couldn’t allow himself to have.

He forced himself out of bed and into the shower, hoping to wake himself up a bit more. Once he was done in the bathroom he slung a towel around his hips and strode to his closet. He still felt dull and exhausted, but he needed to at least not look it.

He ended up with a crisp white french cuff dress shirt and a nice pair of slacks. The shirt was the same one he’d worn on his and Elliot’s first dinner and movie date.

Fake date.

Biting back the curse, Nikolai plucked out his favorite cufflinks and fit them into the button holes. As he did, his thoughts still spiraled. He needed… he needed to explain to Elliot why Nikolai was wrong for him. Why he was no good.

And Nikolai would feel so, so guilty having that conversation while eating a breakfast Elliot had prepared for him.

Pulling out his phone, Nikolai sent a quick text to Meredith, letting her know that he planned to take Elliot out for breakfast. She might not be awake at this hour, but Meredith liked to know all his comings and goings.

Nikolai would have to drive—as far as he knew, only Pyotr was on staff right now, at the gate. Pyotr would need to stay to watch the house.

In the kitchen, Nikolai made himself a coffee and allowed himself one fleeting, longing glance at his liquor cabinet before he growled at himself and turned away from it. He couldn’t drown his sorrows in alcohol whenever he had them. He was done being that person.

Elliot wouldn’t like it, if he were.

He had finished his coffee and was contemplating a second cup, just to feel more alive, when Elliot padded into the kitchen, clearly ready to make Nikolai breakfast.

“Oh!” Elliot said, as he caught sight of Nikolai. He looked surprised to see Nikolai awake already, but then his expression settled into one of quiet delight. “Good morning.”

It made Nikolai ache. He didn’t deserve such an expression. “Morning.”

“Did you sleep okay?” Elliot asked, going to the cabinet to pull out a pan.

“I’m sleeping enough,” Nikolai said, trying and failing not to grunt out of the words. “But I’m thinking I will take you out for breakfast today.”

“Oh,” Elliot said again, giving Nikolai a shy smile. “Okay. That sounds nice.”

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