Page 161 of Pistols and Plush Toys

You can’t have this,Nikolai growled at himself.You’re not allowed to have this. You can’t take away his freedom.“We can go now,” Nikolai said, looking away from Elliot so he didn’t give into the urge to reach out and draw him in. To kiss that shy, pleased smile. “If you are ready?”

“Okay,” Elliot said. He seemed to take in Nikolai’s dress shirt and cuffs, the nice slacks, a contrast to Elliot’s hoodie and jeans. “Should I change?”

“Is fine,” Nikolai said shortly. “You look good.”

“Thank you,” Elliot said, though his expression had turned tentative. “Um, so do you.”

Nikolai shrugged and turned away to set his coffee mug in the sink. It hurt too much to look at him. To be so close to what he wanted and couldn’t have.

“Where are we going for breakfast?” Elliot asked, as he followed Nikolai out to the car.

“Lemon Meringue,” Nikolai said, feeling immediately guilty that he was springing this outing on Elliot and that he hadn’t given Elliot a choice in the restaurant. Up until now he’d let Elliot choose where they went to eat. Elliot loved to look at menus and compare places to go. Nikolai had been so single-minded that he’d just made the choice himself. “But we can go another place if you are wanting.”

“That sounds good,” Elliot said as they got into the car. “Is there something specific there you’re in the mood for?”

Nikolai shrugged again. “Wanted you should not cook today.”

“Alright,” Elliot said hesitantly.

“Maybe I was thinking we could order lunch,” Nikolai added, the words tumbling out of him. Too rough. But all hecould think was that he needed to get used to no longer having Elliot cooking for him.

“Oh,” Elliot said, but even softer now. “Okay.”

His gaze dropped to his lap, and Nikolai hated it, hated that Elliot was curling himself up smaller because of Nikolai’s poor behavior.

But it was better this way, wasn’t it? Better that Elliot have additional reasons to leave.

They reached Lemon Meringue in uncomfortable silence. There was no easy public parking in this part of downtown, so Nikolai pulled up to the complimentary valet. He got out and walked around to get Elliot’s door. Elliot gave him a small, tentative smile, and Nikolai looked away.

He handed the keys to the valet, and got the ticket.

A waiter took them to their seats, giving them the spiel, and then they put in drink orders. Nikolai asked for another coffee, black, because he needed strength to get him through this, and Elliot ordered an orange juice.

Elliot hadn’t been given any time to look at the menu, so he did so when the waiter left. His shoulders were hunched and he was keeping his gaze down, glancing up at Nikolai and then hurriedly dropping his eyes again. Like he’d pulled himself in, uncertain. Like he was afraid of what was to come.

Fuck, Nikolai didn’t want to be doing this. Hurting Elliot was the last thing he wanted to be doing. And he knew this would hurt him, because Elliot was too good.

Elliot looked back up at him again and then back to the menu, biting at his lip.

Fuck.

“Elliot—” Nikolai started, trying to sound gentle.

“Is… did I do something wrong?” Elliot asked, cutting in. His voice was small, and he was still holding the menu, like he wanted to hide behind it. “Or, um, do you… um, last night…”

Nikolai steeled himself.

“Do you… regret last night? What we did?” Elliot asked. His eyes stayed on the menu, but he looked miserable, crestfallen in a way Nikolai didn’t think he’d ever seen.

Nikolai sighed heavily. He needed to be honest. “Yes,” he said, trying to infuse the words with remorse. “I’m sorry.”

Elliot's expression fell further. It felt like twisting the knife in Nikolai’s own chest.

“Oh,” Elliot said quietly. He set the menu down, but his eyes were still on the table. “Okay.”

“Is not okay, what I did,” Nikolai said hoarsely. “Not when I’m knowing you should leave me. Is not right—”

Elliot’s head jerked up, eyes wide. “You… you want me to leave?” He asked, voice cracking.

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