Page 162 of Pistols and Plush Toys

The waiter chose then to return, delivering his coffee and Elliot’s orange juice. He asked for their breakfast order, and Elliot’s voice trembled when he ordered his food. Nikolai asked for the first thing on the menu his eyes landed on.

The waiter left.

Elliot turned back to Nikolai, heartbreak written all over his face. “Nikolai, I…”

“I’m not wanting you to leave,” Nikolai said.Dangerous. I’m dangerous.“But I think maybe you should go.”

“I-I’m sorry,” Elliot said, voice wet. “I’m sorry. I didn’t—I wouldn’t have—”

He wouldn’t have... what? Nikolai stared at him in horror at how that sentence might end, heart clenching in pain.

“I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable,” Elliot whispered. “I’m sorry. Please don’t send me away.”

Elliot was apologizing? Was this his misplaced sense of blame? He looked crushed sitting across from Nikolai. Nikolai had done this, and he hated himself for it. He never, ever wanted to cause Elliot pain.

“No, I—you should not be apologizing to me. I’m… bad guy,” Nikolai said with feeling, trying to press into every word that this had nothing to do with Elliot, and everything to do with him.

“What?” Elliot said, sounding taken aback for all he still looked miserable. “Nikolai no—you’re not… you’renota bad guy. We… we talked about this.”

“I’m dangerous,” Nikolai clarified. “My life, my business.” He looked away. “It hurt you. And you’re saying you… you didn’t want last night. I—”

“That’s not what I said,” Elliot said in a rush, shaking his head. Nikolai was so surprised to be interrupted that he fell silent. Elliot never spoke out of turn. “Nikolai, that’s not what I was going to say. I was going to say I wouldn’t have if I’d known I had madeyouuncomfortable.” Elliot swallowed but he kept eye contact. “I-I loved last night. It was… it made me feel…”

Nikolai held his breath.

“It made me feel special,” Elliot said, voice wet. “It made me feel wanted without making me feeltrapped.And I… I wasn’t terrified you’d hurt me, or hold anything over me. I wasn’t waiting for you to call me names. It was the first time in years someone touching me feltgood,and I wasn’t just waiting for it to be over. And—and if you regret what we did because it’s somethingyoudidn’t want, then I should be the one apologizing to you, not the other way around.” Elliot finally broke eye contact, as if saying his next sentence was physically painful. “But if you’re feeling guilty because you think you… took advantage of me, that’s not how I see it.”

“No?” Nikolai asked, voice as small as it had ever gotten.

“No,”Elliot said emphatically, peeking back up at him. “And you said that you’re dangerous, but I-I don’t know why that matters so much. I’ve worked for you for weeks and things have been okay.”

“You’re having to go out with guards,” Nikolai said heavily. “Even when you see your friends, even when you’re working. Is too much. Is… is like with Vitale.”

Elliot actuallyglaredat him. “You’re nothing like Mattia,” he said. “Mattia didn’tletme go out or have friends. Are you going to tell me I’m not allowed to see Xander anymore?”

“No, never,” Nikolai said, frowning.

“And what if I wanted to apply to work at a restaurant?” Elliot asked.

“I’m would miss your cooking,” Nikolai said. “But you would need protection—”

“Nikolai, I want to cook foryou,”Elliot said with conviction. “I like cooking for you. And I’ve… I’ve been thinking about it. About if I wanted to work somewhere else.”

Nikolai nodded morosely.

“And I like being a private chef,” Elliot said, now with a cautious smile. “It means I get to be creative with my meals and ingredients and that I’m not limited to a set menu. It also means I don’t have to deal with the stresses of a busy restaurant kitchen. What I like iscooking.For people who will appreciate and enjoy my food. I don’t care where I do it. I was… I was even thinking, as a way to keep a bit busier… maybe asking you if you wouldn’t mind if I tried to find other private clients.”

“For… cooking in their house?” Nikolai asked carefully.

“Yeah,” Elliot said. “Not the way I cook for you, but I’ve been looking into it? And what a lot of private chefs do is go over to their client’s house and meal prep. For a morning or an afternoon and just make lunches or dinners for the whole week. And that sounds fun. I think I could. And I have experience now, with working for you.” Elliot gave him a hopeful look. “So I could… I could still cook for you, and just go out in the mornings or afternoons to cook for my clients. And then come home toyou. And—and you could send someone with me, to drive me, if you wanted.”

“Oh,” Nikolai said, taken aback. Elliot had put thought into this. Real thought.

Into having a future with Nikolai in it.

A new thought wriggled its way into Nikolai’s head. Because who was Nikolai to make the choice for Elliot, that Elliot couldn’t be with him? Wasn’t that also just another way of making a decision for Elliot, instead of letting Elliot make the decision for himself?

“And so… I guess…” Elliot licked his lips. “What I’m trying to say is that I’ve… I’ve been really happy here. With you. And I want to see where things go. If you want. Even if, um, even if we never have a repeat of last night. I just… I like you, Nikolai. I like living with you and cooking for you. So—so please don’t send me away unlessyoureally want to.” Elliot breathed out. “Okay?”

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