Page 172 of Pistols and Plush Toys

He pressed a hand over his mouth to try and keep the sobs in.

Nikolai folded him into an embrace. “Is okay to cry,” Nikolai said softly. “Is okay, Elliot.”

Suddenly Elliot was sobbing, the terror and pain and grief of the last few hours trampling him. It felt like he’d been holding it together for longer than just a morning—for weeks, months,years.

He’d spent years with Mattia.

And now he was dead.

Nikolai held him as he cried, rubbing his back and murmuring to him about how good and careful and brave Elliot had been. Elliot pressed his face to the bare skin of Nikolai’s chest, grateful and guilty that he was still here. He didn’t want to be glad that a man he’d once loved was dead, but he was just so… sorelieved,and he cried about that too. Cried to be glad that henever had to worry about Mattia hurting him or anyone else ever again.

Nikolai held him until the sobs died down, until his breathing went from hiccuping gusts to a steady rhythm. It was only when he kept sniffing and pulled back to get a tissue for his face that Nikolai let him go.

“Thank you,” Elliot hiccuped. Dr. Williams was nowhere to be seen. “S-sorry.”

“Crying is okay,” Nikolai said gently. “Always is okay. Is not something you say sorry for.”

“But you’re the one who was hurt,” Elliot said, feeling pathetic.

Nikolai shook his head. “Is not just me Vitale hurt,” he said, touching Elliot’s shoulder. “Something does not need to bleed to hurt.”

Elliot sucked in a great, heaving breath.

“Come,” Nikolai said softly, his good hand slipping down to take Elliot’s. “Maybe shower now? It would feel good to be clean.”

Elliot nodded and let himself be led through the house. They went to Nikolai’s bedroom, and then to the bathroom, before Nikolai let go of his hand.

“I will get things for you, okay? You take nice shower. Wash off bad morning.”

Nikolai started to turn, and Elliot reached out, pausing in midair before he touched Nikolai. “Don’t—!” He stopped, embarrassed at the urgency in his voice.

But Nikolai only paused. “Don’t?” He asked, encouraging.

Elliot’s breath shook in his lungs. “Please d-don’t leave me.”

“I won’t leave you,” Nikolai said firmly, immediately stepping closer to him. It sounded like a promise. “I’m here as long as you’re needing me.”

“Then…” Elliot trailed off. He knew they needed to get clean, but maybe–maybe they could do it together? Elliot didn’t want to let Nikolai out of his sight. Needed to be with him, needed tohelp.“Then let’s—let’s get clean?” Elliot asked tentatively.

He saw Nikolai freeze, eyes widening before he hurriedly nodded. “Okay.”

Nikolai moved to the shower and Elliot let out a breath he didn’t know he’d been holding, focusing on getting undressed as Nikolai turned the water on. He hadn’t been covered in blood like Nikolai, but Nikolai had bled on Elliot when he’d held him, and the smell of fear sweat clung to Elliot’s skin.

Elliot worked slowly with shaking fingers, looking up only when he noticed Nikolai undressing in his periphery, sliding his dress pants down.

Then they were both naked.

Nikolai gestured toward the shower, and Elliot went.

Nikolai’s personal shower was larger and nicer than the others Elliot had used in the house. The shower head above them was wide and allowed them both to be under the water’s spray.

“Wait,” Elliot said when Nikolai plucked a washcloth up from an alcove in the far wall of the shower. “Let me, please.”

Nikolai might still be numb from the lidocaine, but the less he moved the better, right?

Nikolai stared at Elliot and then swallowed, Adam’s apple bobbing. “Whatever you want.”

Elliot reached for the cloth, glad to be able to help again.

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