Page 45 of Pistols and Plush Toys

“Twenty-five…?” The amount of years was startling. Because— “Wait, how old are you?”

Nikolai let out an almost amused huff of air. “Forty-two.”

“You wereseventeen?”Elliot gasped.

Nikolai looked away from him, jaw clenched. “My father… he is not good man. He want me to take over family business. Trained me.”

“Your father…?” Elliot said, horrified. This was not at all what he’d expected when he’d asked the question. “Your father made you kill someone?”

Nikolai's face spasmed. “He’s not making me. I did of my own–”

“But you were a child,” Elliot blurted out, because he couldn’t not. He knew his own face had to be doing something too, his expression conveying his horror. “You can’t believe–”

“I wasnotchild.” Nikolai said sternly. “I was seventeen. I made my choice. Now I live with it.”

“What? No! What?” He was stuck on a loop, trying to grasp what Nikolai was saying. “Seventeen is–and if your dad was making you–” Elliot could barely get the words out he was so distressed. “How did it happen?”

He didn’t really want to know, but he felt like he needed to know.

Nikolai met his eyes again, apprehensive. “I’m not thinking it would be good to tell you.”

“You’ve already told me,” Elliot rushed to say. “And if you don’t tell me the details, I’ll—I’ll just fill them in myself and they’ll be twice as bad.”

Nikolai frowned again, his brows furrowing as he looked at Elliot. “You are not part of this world.”

“But I’m here,” Elliot said simply. Because it was true. “Would you tell me? Please?”

Nikolai held out for a moment longer, then he leaned back against the counter, pulling something out of his pocket to fiddle with. It looked like a little piece of metal with a tiny hook at the end. “I was seventeen,” he said again. “My father trained me growing up for the business. Hard things. Before my birthday, he gave me test. To see if I was ready.”

Nikolai paused, and for a second Elliot thought he might not continue. Then, after a long moment, he said, “I wake up on my seventeenth birthday in basement of our house. I was in cage my father kept down there for–for business.” He swallowed and Elliot thought there must be a lot of things packed into that one word.Business. “I was locked in with another man. He was older, maybe forties. Unconscious. Between us was gun. We were alone, but I understood. We were locked in. It was him or me.”

Elliot gasped, his hands coming up to his mouth. “Your dad locked you in a cage to–?”

Nikolai frowned down at the little piece of metal in his large hands. “I’m think at first, maybe… maybe let him shoot me. To sit and wait for that. It would be easy, then would be over.” His voice was cold and flat, any emotion he might have had gone without a trace. “I went and picked up gun. I knew this man worked for or against my father. He was not innocent, but maybe did not deserve death.”

“Oh my god,” Elliot whispered, still covering his mouth. His vision was blurring, heart crumbling in his chest. “Oh my fucking god.” He couldn’t imagine a parent doing that to their child. Putting them through some unimaginable trauma. Elliot certainly wasn’t close to his dad or stepmom, and he barely even knew his half siblings, but he couldn’t conceive of his parents being socruel.

Nikolai was silent and Elliot said what he couldn’t. “You shot him.”

Nikolai's head dipped. “Before he could wake up. I thought… maybe better, this way. If I had let him shoot me, my father would have killed him anyway. If I manage to convince this man so neither of us shoot, my father would still have killed him. He was in cage with me because my father say this man was meant for death.”

“Holy shit,” Elliot rasped. “That’s–that’s fuckinghorrible.” He couldn’t even imagine the pain that Nikolai must’ve gone through.

He could feel Nikolai's stare. “I—why you are crying?”

“Because that’sthe worst thing I’ve ever heard.” Elliot almost shouted it. “I’m so—it hurts just tohearabout it! What your dad did to you.”

“He is… not good man,” Nikolai said with a shrug. “But I’m make the decision.”

Sudden misdirected anger exploded out of Elliot. “No! You were achild!”He pointed a finger at Nikolai, who had opened his mouth for rebuttal. “No,no. Your dad–he made you do that. That’s not your fault.” Tears were dripping down his cheeks but he couldn’t stop them or the words that kept bursting out of him. “You didn’t have a better choice! You didn’t haveany choice.”

“I could have chosen not to.”

Elliot shook his head, losing his words. Nikolai looked startled, like he genuinely didn’t understand why anyone would be upset on his behalf.

Elliot angrily scrubbed a hand over his eyes, and then looked back over at Nikolai. “W-was that the only time?” He had to ask, but he was afraid to know. Afraid of what else Nikolai’s horrible father had made him do.

“Yes,” Nikolai said heavily. “I leave day I turn eighteen. My father… I do work for him, but he is not in my business.”

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