Page 91 of You're So Vine
He pauses briefly when sees me in the doorway but keeps going, grabbing more clothes from a chair, forcing them into the bag. I realize I’ve got no idea what to say to him. I’ve never had to counsel anyone before. I’ve always been on the receiving end, listening to other people who took the time to speak kindly to me. People like Lee…
“Did you go visit your mom?” I ask. “You said you were going to.”
No response. Jackson disappears into the en-suite bathroom, comes back with a toothbrush, shoves that in with the clothes and yanks the zipper shut hard. Bag slung over one shoulder, he walks to the door, finds me blocking his way.
“Come on, Cam,” he says wearily. “Let me leave withsomedignity.”
“How are you planning to travel? You don’t have a car.”
“On foot,” he says. In his self-mocking way, he adds, “The exercise will do me good.”
“It’s November,” I point out. “Couple more hours, the temperature won’t be much above freezing.”
Jackson blows out an exasperated breath. “Cam, please get out of the way. There’s nothing you can do for me.”
I pause before suggesting what’s just come to mind. “How about I drive you to Lee’s?”
He raises a wry eyebrow. “Run home to Mom, is that what you’re suggesting? At the tender age of thirty-two?”
I know how it seems to him, but the more I think about it, the more I’m convinced that Lee is the person Jackson needs right now. My theory, just forming, is that Jackson’s been feeling like a failure for years. All he ever wanted was for his parents to value him, to believe in him and take him seriously. He saw them treat others that way, including his sister and even strangers like me. He played the clown because that’s how he got people to notice him, but all that did was peg him in their minds as a joker, a lightweight. Once you’ve got that reputation, it’s hard to shake it off. So, you keep up the clowning, and after a while, it’s who you think you are. You’re convinced you’re not—and never will be—a person of substance.
I don’t believe Lee has any idea how her oldest son really feels, because Jackson’s so good at putting on a happy face. He’s done it all his life. Time for him to tell the truth to the one person whose recognition he wants above all others.
“Your mom would be glad to see you.”
“You think?” says Jackson bitterly. “She didn’t hang around to catch up with me after the wedding. Didn’t invite me up to her place.”
There’s a reason for that, but it’s not mine to give. And for a moment, I hesitate. If I drop Jackson on Lee without warning, she’ll have no choice but to reveal her secret. To be honest, I don’t know why she wants to keep knowledge of Debra from her kids, but I did make her a promise.
But Jackson’s her son. He needs her. I figure that comes first.
“Your mom has stuff going on,” I tell him. “She’s fine, don’t worry,” I add, as concern creases his face. “But … her life’s a little complicated right now.”
“And she could tellyoubut not me and Shelby?” says Jackson, with a hint of anger that’s not unwarranted. “Not her actual blood relatives?”
I raise my palms. “I’m sorry. I don’t know why she did that.”
Jackson gives me a hard look. “You and Mom. You said you never… Was that true?”
I meet his eye. “Upon my honor. Your mom has been a better friend to me than I’ve ever been to her but that’s all we are—friends.”
He pulls on his ear. “It’s just that … you’ve never had a proper girlfriend, until now. And it’s now that Mom’s started acting weird.”
Okay, I can see how he might make that connection. Bogus as it is.
“I’m a fucked-up loner,” I say. “You know that. You made enough jokes about my failed dates the other night.”
To his credit, he’s embarrassed. “Yeah. Sorry, man. Best way to deflect attention from yourself is to place someone else in the spotlight. Worked, too.”
“Glad I was good material,” I say grimly.
Corner of Jackson’s mouth twitches. “Yeah, that arsonist joke really brought the house down.”
“Don’t start.”
His smile fades, and he bends his head, toes his shoe along the floor as if he’s working out an invisible equation.
When he looks up again, his expression is unhappy but resolute.
