Page 93 of You're So Vine
I’m thinking about Cam. How many years did it take him to talk about the war? And what was the cost to him of keeping it all bottled up? Secrets are like tapeworms. They consume all our energy and grow bigger and bigger. Then we either fade to a shadow of ourselves, or it’s like that episode ofHouse M.D.when he rips the giant white worm right out of that girl’s stomach. Okay, apologies for that image. But sometimes letting a secret out is the scariest thing we can do. Because what if we gather the courage to express our darkest fears and doubts, only to have them confirmed? How do we come back from that?
Then Nate says out loud the question I asked myself over dinner but have refused to think about since.
“So, what’s the plan for you and Cam?”
He’s not to blame for me being triggered. All he wants is to steer the subject away from Jackson. But triggered I am because I have no answer. Cam and I haven’t talked about the future. And the more I look at it, the more impractical it seems.
“We’ve been together four days,” I say. “Barely enough time to spell plan, let alone make one.”
Shelby lets out a happy sigh. “It would besogreat if you and Cam got married.”
Nate’s distraction tactic worked, and Shelby’s no longer fixated on Jackson. But I would super appreciate it if she dropped this particular subject, too.
“Just because you and Nate got hitched,” I say, “doesn’t mean it’s right for everyone. I might not even want to get married.”
“The cake would be pretty funny,” says Nate. “The groom figure twice the height of the bride.”
Luckily—for him—Nate doesn’t continue with the jokes. He’s noticed Shelby has her phone out.
“Shel, do not call your mom or Jackson,” he says. “Give them space.”
“But—”
“Call Chiara and Jordan instead. They’re your best friends. That’s what they’re for.”
“They won’t have answers,” says Shelby, but I can tell she’s willing to be swayed.
“No, but they’ll listen to you for hours,” says Nate. “And that’s the next best thing.”
“You’re so smart, honey bunch.” Shelby bats her eyelashes at him. “I love you so much.”
“You”, he says, as we pull up outside Cam’s place, “are walking a fine line.” He leans over and kisses her. “But I love you, too.”
I may vomit. And not just because I ate a second helping of Mom’s tarte Tatin.
Nate looks back over his shoulder at me, and his silly lovesick smile morphs into a look of concern.
“Sis, are you sure you’re okay here on your own? Do you want us to wait with you?”
I shake my head. “There’s barely room for two.”
One of the many barriers I can see between me and a future with Cam.
I hop out of Nate’s pick-up and walk around to his window, which he rolls down. Shelby’s already nattering away on her phone. It’s good to have friends. It’s good to have brothers, too.
“Thanks for the ride,” I say to Nate. “And thanks for caring.”
Nate blinks, surprised. Fair enough. He and I don’t exactly have a track record of being emotionally demonstrative in our family. Nate and Ava, the robots.
“Well, turns out I might love you, too,” he says. “Look after yourself. And call me tomorrow.”
“Night, Ava!” Shelby breaks off in mid-natter to wave goodbye. Then into the phone she says, “Yep, we’re dropping her off at Cam’s. Iknow, super cute. Oh, absolutely at the vineyard. Imagine a winter wedding. So pretty…”
Nate rolls his eyes at me. “I’ll head it off at the pass. Don’t worry.”
He waits until I’m safely inside Cam’s house before driving off. When the noise of the pick-up finally fades, the silence crowds in on me. The place is cold, and I don’t know how to light the fire. Which means I can’t even make myself a cup of hot cocoa. Cam and I are so different. I can’t see any way to fit into his life without disrupting it completely. And maybe demanding more from him than he can give.
Cam didn’t say when he’d be back, so I have no choice but to go to bed and lie there until whenever. The irony is that having been impatient all my life, recent events have forced me to get used to waiting. Guess that’s what happens: life tests you, and you either rise to the challenge or you don’t.
