Page 83 of Crazy Pucking Love
“But he won’t commit to being in a relationship with me. He says he can’t with hockey. You and Beckett manage, though. Hudson and Whitney, too. Maybe he doesn’t think I’m worth trying to make it work.”
“I…” Lyla hesitated and looked to the ceiling like she’d find the answers there—I glanced up, too, but I didn’t see any clues on how to solve for X. “Like I said, I almost wrecked Hudson and Whitney’s relationship by trying to help her stay away from him. If you’ll remember, Beck and I had our struggles as well.
“I don’t know Dane well enough to comment on why he won’t fully commit, or if it’s something you should worry about. But I will ask…” Her gaze met mine. “Is that what you want? A halfway relationship where you’re not sure where you stand? Is that worth fighting with your brother? If you say yes, I’ll help however I can, including trying to keep Beck out of it. Although it’s going to be like fighting a dragon with a toothpick.”
She nudged me with her elbow, making it clear she’d thrown out the last as a joke to help my mood. I wished it did. It only made me think about the odds I was facing. “I’m on your team,” she said. “No matter what you choose.”
Unfortunately, what I chose to do was burst into tears—or more like my body betrayed me and I couldn’t stop it from happening, so same difference.
Lyla threw her arms around me. “Oh, no. Did I say the wrong thing?”
“No. It’s just…” I sniffed. “My professor approached me with this great opportunity to join a engineering outreach program. They help junior high and high school students who don’t usually have access learn about engineering. I would’ve killed to be in something like that in high school, although I probably wouldn’t have done it, because at the time I was too afraid of what everyone else thought. And now I don’t give a damn if people think it’s nerdy, but I worry if I take on the project, Dane and I won’t have any time together. We already have to squeeze it in, and I’m afraid that I’ll regret walking away from the program, but that I’ll also regret walking away from Dane. I know there’s something great between us, but I don’t know if he feels it as strongly as I do, and…I don’t know what to do. What do I do?”
“I can’t tell you that.”
“But if it was an amazing opportunity that had to do with chemistry, you’d go for it, wouldn’t you?” I sat back, wanting to see her face when she answered.
“Beck would understand me following my passion, like I understand him putting so much of his time and energy toward hockey. But that’s also because we’ve been together for a while. And we were friends before that, so we know each other almost as well as we know ourselves. It’s hard to compare.”
“The thing is, before Dane, I felt so lonely. I told myself my fresh start would fix it, but it was meeting him that made that feeling go away. How do I choose between my future as an engineer or a future of loneliness?” I knew it sounded overly dramatic, but right now, life felt pretty damn dramatic.
Plus, even though Dane hadn’t said as much out loud, I could tell he needed me back. The image of him standing up in the diner and rushing over to me after he’d returned from New York popped into my mind. I could still feel the imprint of his fingers as he’d hugged me so tightly.
“Honestly,” Lyla said, “I feel that finding the right person means not having to chose between them and your passion. Instead you work together to figure out a way to have both.”
Beckett walked into the room balancing bags in his arms, and the scent of garlic and soy sauce hit me. His gaze bounced from me to Lyla. “Everything okay?”
He looked like he wanted to reverse his tracks and run back the way he’d come—he never was great at dealing with tears.
I quickly wiped the traces of mine from the cheeks. “I didn’t even hear you come in.”
He extended a bag toward me. “General Tso’s chicken and extra spring rolls from The China Garden. It’s my version of a peace offering.”
“As far as peace offerings, it’s a pretty good one. Much better than the time you superglued my Magic Pegasus Barbie’s head back on.”
“Hey, I was, like, eight, and that was the only way I knew to fix it.”
“More like the only way you knew to keep me from telling Mom. Barbie’s head was practically down to her shoulders. She lost nodding capabilities and looked like she belonged on the hockey court or football field.”
Beckett shrugged a shoulder, a crooked grin spreading across his face. “So, she looked badass. You’re welcome.”
I laughed and swiped the bag from his hands. He sat down between Lyla and me and we dug into our food.
Of course my thoughts drifted back to Dane. This time our night at the Skywalk Observatory came to mind. He told me he felt crazy and a little bit reckless with me, and crazier without me.
I totally understood, because I felt that, too. Caring about him, getting dangerously close to being in love with him… Common sense no longer applied. I wanted to be reckless with him. I tried to hold back one little piece of my heart so at least I’d have something left at the end, but somewhere along the way Dane had gotten hold of it anyway.
He had so much going on right now, all those worries that made it hard for him to sleep, and I’d been in that broken, hopeless place before. I didn’t want to leave him alone to deal with it, like I’d been left behind so many times. I knew how crushing that was, and how hard it made it to feel worthwhile. To be strong.
But if I threw away a great opportunity for a guy who refused to fully commit to me, it’d be hard to think of myself as strong and independent.
I needed to know I wasn’t the girl I used to be.
Even if that girl ended up boyfriendless and taking on the world alone.
Chapter Forty-Four
Dane
