Page 86 of Crazy Pucking Love
In fact, I was all for intimacy. I wanted her underneath me, my tongue rediscovering every inch of skin.
Don’t think about that now, or you’ll never get through this…
It wasn’t just about sex, either. My life sucked without her, she was the best thing that ever happened to me, and I loved her.
Like, I was crazy in love with her.
Not sure how I didn’t see it before. Probably because I’m a dumbass, which was part of my second realization, and it only made everything clearer and more painful.
The entire thing boiled down to one major point: I wasn’t good enough for Megan Davenport. I never would be, no matter how many goals I made, because I slipped too often for them to make enough of a difference.
Which was why, when Beck cornered me in the locker room earlier today, the decision I hadn’t quite wanted to embrace went from the one I was trying to talk myself into to the only option.
My nerves had already been stretched tight, frayed and ready to snap. I knew I had to face him at practice, and I wasn’t sure how it’d go. If we’d hash it out in the locker room or on the ice.
Despite arriving extra early, Beck was already there. It was just him and me and the dead quiet hanging in the air. He deserved one hit unblocked, and I’d decided I would give him that before I defended myself.
“Bro, you have every right to be pissed at me,” I said. “I have sisters, so I get it. But I need you to know that Megan was never a fling or a bet. I care about her, and I’d never purposely hurt her. I know I don’t deserve her.”
Beck spun to face me, arms crossed. “It took me all weekend to try to wrap my head around it, but Lyla assured me that you were genuine when you said you cared.”
“I was. I am.” A tight band formed around my chest as I thought just how much I cared about the blond, sunshiny girl with the huge earrings and even bigger heart.
“Well, I heard her and Lyla talking the other night about an engineering program her professor asked her to be a part of. Did she mention it?”
I shook my head.
“She was so motivated to get to college that she graduated high school early, and now she’s considering giving up an amazing opportunity, one I know she’d enjoy. Giving it up foryou—because of the time it’ll require, and she worries she can’t have both. I’ve seen her lose sight of who she is before, and I can’t just stand by as she does it again.”
Beck curved his hand around the bill of his hat. “So…since she obviously cares what you think, I’m asking you to convince her to take the opportunity. Convince her that it doesn’t mean the end of your relationship.”
“I’ll take care of it,” I said, even though it did mean the end of our relationship. As much as I’d tried to hold on to the hope that ending things wasn’t the only option, reality rushed in. Megan thought she had to choose me over something she loved. Me, the guy who got too drunk and didn’t remember the end of a party. The guy who’d ruined another girl’s life because he chose hockey. “I know how much she loves engineering. I’ll get her to take it.”
He cleared his throat. “I’ll…try to get used to the idea of you and her, then.”
Fortunately for him—for everyone but me, probably—he wouldn’t have to. Megan had the biggest heart of anyone I’d ever met, and I knew the only way she’d put what she wanted first was to take myself out of the equation.
The other guys had trickled into the locker room, then, and I’d dragged myself through practice, texted Megan, and told her to meet me here at the diner.
I thought of dealing with life without her. Of not having her sitting in the booth next to me while I attempted to spend my sleepless hours studying, like I could use them for good instead of admitting how drained they left me. There’d be no more sweetener packet field goal competitions, my eyes no longer in danger of being taken out at any moment.
No more sleeping next to her—real, pure sleep.
In spite of talking myself into this decision, and telling myself over and over it was best for her, I wanted to be selfish. To beg her not to take part in anything that would mean we’d have less time together.
Which was exactly why I had to end it. I’d learned that my decisions affected other people time and time again. I’d promised the last girl I loved the world, and I hadn’t delivered. I wouldn’t make that mistake again.
Loved.My heart snagged at the word that resounded through my brain and I did my best to shove it away and stop myself from going there.
Megan deserved the world and more. She deserved some guy who wouldn’t drag her down. The more I thought about it, the more certain I was that she’d orchestrated some kind of deal so Lissa could receive the counseling she needed—she’d swooped in to help my complicated, messy family.
That was my job, and while I might be in over my head, I could handle it. Megan would give and give, because that was the kind of girl she was. I knew she’d never end up like Jazmine, but the thought of her bright, infectious energy being drained until she was a shell of who she used to be was enough to strengthen my resolve. No messing up all that ambition and her bright shiny future.
The diner door opened and I knew without looking it was her—my skin hummed, my heartbeat quickened. Everything seemed better for one glorious moment.
Clenching my jaw, I sucked in a breath and then let it out. I stood as she neared, and she must’ve sensed something was up, because there was hesitance in her posture and tentative smile.
My fingers twitched, and my arms ached with the need to pull her in close, have her pressed to me one more time.I can get a few more seconds of being selfish, can’t I?
