Page 90 of Crazy Pucking Love
Hudson put his hand over my notebook, stopping me from writing down anatomy definitions. “Just tell me this isn’t about what happened with Jazmine. That you still think you need to punish yourself for her mistakes.”
“I wasn’t there for her. Before I left, she was fine. Now she’s spiraled down a really bad path. Those are the facts.”
“And now it all makes sense.” My best friend exhaled, then turned to Whitney. “Baby, could you excuse us for a minute? It’s about to get mushy, and I’m not sure I can say what I need to with you looking on. I’ve got my bad boy rep to maintain.”
She brushed her lips across his. “Hate to break it to you, but if you really wanted to maintain it, you should’ve thought of thatbeforeyou decorated a tree for me.” She scooted out of the bench and glanced around. “I’ll just go check out the…artwork. Yeah. I always wondered about pancake paintings. Holler if you need me.”
Hudson smacked her on the ass as she started away, and she shook her head, although she flashed him a huge smile along with it.
Then he turned to me, the remains of a love-struck grin on his face. “Me and her?” He jerked his chin toward Whitney. “You know a big part of that was because when I was sulking in self-pity, you forced me to look at what I’d lose if I didn’t do something. You were the one who made me realize that letting her go would be the biggest mistake I’d ever make, and that I had to do whatever it took to get her back.”
“That’s different,” I said. “You two are good for each other. I’d only drag Megan down. I’m behind in my classes, my family is a shit-show right now, and I’ve had enough bad games this season that at this point, even thinking of the NHL is a joke.” Yeah, without Megan cheering me on last game, I was a mess on the rink, unable to concentrate on plays and acting like a rookie with his head cut off. “Everything’s falling apart, and I can’t drag her down with me to make myself feel better—so thatIcan sleep, andIcan manage my life. It’d be selfish, and if anything, everything that happened between us only proves I’m not the guy she needs.”
“Then fucking start being the guy she needs. Everything got worse once you pushed her away, right?”
I clenched my jaw, not admitting to it, although not arguing against it because it was true, and Hudson would see right through me.
“You’ve always taken care of everyone else—to the point that you nearly kill yourself. You were ready to break all the rules last semester to keep me here. You bend over backward for your family. You always put everyone else first, and I was so busy with my own life I didn’t realize you were drowning. Then you met Megan and you had someone do for you what you do for everyone else. Now I do see you drowning, though, and I’ll be damned if I stand by and watch, when I know that girl’s what you need.”
He ran his hand through his hair and then his eyes met mine. “Especially when… I’ve seen her, Dane. She looks like she’s sleeping about as much as you are. You two idiots are walking around like zombies without each other, and the solution is so simple. Go get her back.”
Thinking of her sad dug at my already beat up heart, another chunk punched out at the thought of Megan not smiling, not sleeping. While it was true that I needed her, she needed someone better. Someone who could give her everything she deserved. “She’ll be okay eventually. Without me she has a much better chance.”
“I’m not sure where the hell you’re getting that from. You’re a good guy. Why don’t you see that?”
I ran my thumb along the edge of the table, unearthing who knew how many years of gunk. “Cassidy called me last weekend. Jazmine overdid it at some party and ended up in the hospital—she nearly died. After our last talk, I thought she was better. I thought that even though she and I didn’t work out—even though I screwed her up—I managed to at least do something right when it came to her. But… I tried to save her, but all I ended up doing was break her more, and that kills me.”
“I thought I was clear the last time we talked about Jazmine, but apparently I wasn’t. You saw that broken girl and you thought you could be her hero, but in the end, you just ended up drained and feeling responsible for the decisions she was going to make anyway. But she was already too far gone, and you need to stop blaming yourself forherdecisions.”
I shook my head. “I could’ve stopped her. If I would’ve stayed, or if I made more of an effort. I wasn’t there for her when she needed me, and after her Mom died—”
“That’s rough, I’ll give her that, but it’s also bullshit. I ran into her at a party a few months before we even moved to Boston. She was high and completely out of it, on way more than alcohol. You were at…I don’t remember. One of your sisters had something or other. Addicts are really good at twisting things and blaming other people—I’d know. I lived with one for most of my life.”
Hudson fiddled with the saltshaker. “That’s why I never liked Jazmine. It makes me feel awful to say, because my mom and I…well, we’re trying to work things out, and you know I love her. But Jaz always reminded me of my mom. You could’ve given that girl the world—could’ve stayed with her until you made it in the NHL, and showered her with love and money, and she’d spend every spare penny on more expensive drugs.”
“Maybe if I would’ve gotten her help—”
“You’re not listening to me. There’s nothing you could’ve done to keep her from going down this road. She would have to want help to stop, and she doesn’t. She’d drag you down, man. That’s what would’ve happened.”
For so long, guilt over not being there for Jazmine during her mom’s hospitalization and funeral haunted me. I hadn’t allowed myself to even think that her life might’ve turned out the same, regardless of the choices I made. My mind always traveled back to that month we first met, when she needed someone and I thought I could be the guy to save her. But she always did go toward the wrong crowd; always pushed the boundaries. Something about Hudson’s words sunk deep, and for the first time, I toyed with letting go of the blame and guilt that’d weighed me down.
I’d made plenty of mistakes, sure, but every time I’d tried to help Jaz, tried to suggest a different crowd, or staying home from a party, she only resented me for it. I couldn’t make all of Jazmine’s decisions for the rest of her life, even if I wished I could’ve somehow fixed her.
Megan’s words mixed in, too, about how people made their own choices, and how I couldn’t live my entire life for other people.
“You get it now?” Hudson asked.
“I…” I raked my hands through my hair, my body feeling lighter than it had in a long time. “I’m starting to.”
“Finally. Like I said, you can’t save everyone. But the girl who saves you back? That’s the girl you fight like hell for.”
Chapter Forty-Seven
Megan
“I can’t believe I let you guys talk me into this,” I said, dragging my feet as the familiar flashing lights and stage with dueling pianos came into view.
Lyla and Vanessa both put a hand on my back and propelled me farther into Howl at the Moon, not giving me much of a choice but to follow Whitney as she pushed into the crowd.
