Page 67 of Confessions of a Former Puck Bunny

I jerked my attention to him. I thought I was distracted with thoughts of Lindsay last game, but this was that times one hundred. If my interest in Lindsay were merely a passing thing, I wouldn’t think twice about what I’d found out. In fact, I wanted to go back in time and unlearn that her mom had been one of the reasons my parents broke up. I wanted to go back to yesterday morning when the only thing that existed in the world was her and me, naked in my bed.

But there was no going back.

“I’m here,” I said to Dane, determined to let the game shut out everything else. If I didn’t get it together, we’d lose the championship game of the Hockey East Tournament and fail to advance to the NCAA Tournament, and then I’d never forgive myself for letting my team down.

I set up and glared at the opponent I was going to take out as soon as the whistle blew. For the next twenty minutes, there’d be no more thinking about what Lindsay and I were or weren’t.

Chapter Thirty-Seven

Lindsay

The mood at the Quad was often cheery—effects of it being the weekend and a lot of alcohol tended to do that to people. I’d been there plenty of times after BC won a hockey game, too, but I’d never seen it like this.

Excitement vibrated off the walls along with the music, and my already victorious mood buoyed even higher.

“Have you seen our boys yet?” I shouted to Megan over the crowd and my words were immediately swallowed up.

She tipped onto her toes and looked around, and then lifted her phone. “I don’t think they’ve made it here yet.”

Usually we would’ve waited outside the dressing room, but it was seriously a mad house, with extra parents and press thrown in, so Whitney stayed back to report and catch a ride with Hudson, and the rest of us fled before we were trapped in the parking lot of the TD Garden for hours.

“Let’s grab drinks now,” Lyla said. “Once the guys get here, the line’s going to be crazy long.”

If that’s not crazy long,I thought as we neared the drink table,I don’t know what is.Still, like Lyla said, it was only going to get busier, so we might as well settle in and grab the guys’ drinks, so by the time they arrived to catapult the celebration to the next level, we’d be ready to properly toast their success.

If only standing and waiting didn’t give me way too much time for thinking. I hadn’t told the girls that I’d basically been accosted by Ryder’s dad as I’d left the concession stand. I wanted to, but something held me back.

I didn’t want to know what that something was, but I did. Those last words echoed through my head over and over.I’m not the only one who needs to get out of his way.

Am I in Ryder’s way?I liked to think of myself as supportive, and he’d told me he needed me. But I didn’t quite believe he truly did, and it scared me how much I cared about him and had started to rely on him. If I was sad, I knew just the sound of his voice would cheer me up. If I needed math help, he’d drop everything to come to my aid. If I felt lonely or was stressed or just had a crappy day, having his arms around me pushed all the bad away and made everything right with the world.

Maybe I was holding him back without knowing it because I wanted us to work out so badly. After all, his dad was completely blind to how much pressure he put on his son, and how he never gave him a single freaking compliment, and even though he was a complete ass, I didn’t doubt he thought he was doing what was best for Ryder.

I had a feeling that pressure and the weight of those expectations was why Ryder constantly pushed himself to the brink in the gym, going above and beyond being in shape to the point of exhaustion.

Now I come around, all needy and demanding attention, both for math help and because it never feels like we get enough time together. I’m sure if I kept asking for more, he’d try to make me happy to the point of sacrificing his well-being.

Possibly he’d even say he wanted me to stay in Boston and try to make us work long term, even if he knew he couldn’t balance both.

On reflex, I checked my phone like I’d been doing every few minutes since sending off my résumé. Still no word on that job, but I had a list of possibilities stored on my phone, along with Andrea Green’s email address. I’d told myself I should at least email her and see if she’d heard of any open positions so I knew all my options before making a huge decision about my future. But so far, I’d yet to compose that email.

The person behind me cleared their throat and I noticed that Lyla and Megan had moved forward three inches. Heaven forbid I let them have some personal space instead of close the gap so that we got to the front of the line point two seconds faster.

Megan asked me a question that I didn’t catch, and it took three times before I heard her. “What will Ryder want to drink?”

Jeez, I wasn’t even sure. He wasn’t much of a drinker, but I was sure he’d want to celebrate. Didn’t celebrations call for shots?

I should really know this about him.

Now I’m worried about knowing his alcohol preferences?Everything suddenly seemed like a bigger deal, like we had a hairline fracture in our relationship and it was growing another inch at a time.Don’t be a downer. Tonight’s about celebrating.

I was always trying to cross bridges before I could even see them. “I’m not sure, but I’m having a shot.”

Lyla grabbed some Jell-O shots and we tipped them back before mixing up two rum and Cokes each.

We got a few dirty looks for hogging the table, and I almost explained they were for hockey players, but I figured being their girlfriends would only earn us more jealous shade.

The crowd pushed forward as we left, and I barely kept the cups upright. Somewhere along the way, I got separated from Megan and Lyla. One second they were right behind me, then I turned around to find strangers staring back at me. I glanced around, getting knocked into on every side, and holding two drinks so wasn’t helping.

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