Page 61 of Quarantine Crush
I curl up on my bed, burrowing under my fluffy blankets as I wait for them to join the call. Taylor’s face is the first to pop up on the screen, and her eyes soften when she takes me in.
“Oh, no,” she says without even asking what happened. “I’m so sorry, Em.”
At her words, fresh tears burst from me, and by the time a bewildered Nina and Hadley join the call, I’m full-on ugly crying.
“I’m gonna kill him,” Hadley growls. “Cut his junk right off and bathe in his blood.”
“You should honestly consider seeing a therapist,” Nina quips.
“Neither of you is being helpful,” Taylor says. “Em, do you need to talk? Or do you want us to cry with you? I’ll go put on The Notebook right now if you need me to.”
I snort out a derisive sound at Taylor’s offer. “Hell no, I don’t want you guys to cry with me. Knox Jacobs doesn’t even deservemytears, let alone all of yours.”
“Damn right he doesn’t,” Hadley cheers.
“Go wash your face, and then come back and talk to us,” Nina says, and I know what she’s saying. She’s saying it’s time to take care of me. Time to start clean. So I do what she says. I roll out of bed, snagging the throw blanket off the end of the bed, and shuffle into the bathroom. I set my phone on the sink and catch my first glimpse of myself in the mirror. My makeup is smeared, giving me a garish clown look, so I get to work, scrubbing it all away with my favorite foaming cleanser.
When I’m done, I hate to admit that I do feel a little bit better. I sink down onto the toilet, take a deep breath, and tell them everything that has happened over the last two days.
“I can’t believe he didn’t tell you that there was a possibility he might not come home,” Taylor says.
I shrug because I don’t know what to say. “Honestly, I don’t think I was even part of his thought process. He’s never seen me as anything more than his best friend. He’s been planning for his future the same way one of you would. By doing what’s best for him and thinking I’d be happy for him–as a friend. I’m the one who’s foolishly put the future on hold for him.”
It’s something I’ve been thinking about a lot over the last day and a half. That it’s not fair for me to be so angry at him for not living the life I had planned for us–especially since I never shared those plans with him–but love is irrational like that. And I refuse to be told I’m not allowed to grieve.
“I’m sorry, but that’s complete bullshit,” Hadley says. “If you love someone, even as a friend, then you include them in big decisions about your life. You don’t blindside them and leave them feeling like they don’t matter.”
“That’s not even the worst part,” I tell them, sniffing. I unroll some toilet paper and blow my nose noisily. “I told him that I loved him, and he told me not to say that because he didn’t want to mess up our friendship.Our friendship.” I laugh, but it’s an ugly, bitter sound, and I wipe my nose again. “Like I could just go back to the way things were and pretend none of this has ever happened.”
“Men have the emotional depth of a fucking teaspoon,” Nina says, her nose wrinkled in disgust.
“Do you want to borrow Henry?” Taylor asks. “He’s the only man I can depend on.” I giggle as Henry’s squished face pops on the screen, and he sniffs at the camera before licking it.
“Ew, gross,” Nina laughs.
“Sorry about that,” Taylor says, wiping the camera clean with her sleeve.
“As much as I’d love to borrow Henry, I’d better not. Knox leaves in a few days, and I don’t want to have to leave the sanctuary of my apartment after that. Not even to walk his furry little butt.”
“Wait,” Hadley says, holding up a hand. “You’re not going to the lake house?”
I shake my head. “I called my dad last night and told him I was going to stay here. I don’t have the energy to be around his family right now, not now that I know I’ll never be one of them.”
“Hate to break it to you, babe, but you’re already one of them. You don’t have to be married to Knox for that,” Nina says.
“I know,” I whisper, my throat feeling tight. “But now I also know that Knox will get married someday, and they’ll welcome an actual daughter into the family. Right now, my heart is too fragile for that reminder. I can still love them and hate him, right?”
“Of course you can,” Taylor assures me. “You can even loveandhate him at the same time. He’s been a huge part of your life. That won’t go away overnight.”
“Tell me about it,” I choke out.
“Tell us what you need us to do. Do you want us to break quarantine and come hide in your room with you? We can bring snacks and sad movies,” Hadley offers.
I give them a watery smile and shake my head. “No, thanks. I think I need some time alone. I’m so tired of pretending. First, I was pretending like I wasn’t in love with Knox. And now, I’m pretending like his rejection isn’t shattering my heart. I’ll be glad when he’s gone and I can just feel without having to wear a mask. Does that make sense?”
“Of course it does,” Nina assures me.
“I still think the jerk is getting off too easy,” Hadley growls, but her eyes soften when she looks at me. “And I don’t think you should hide your heartbreak from him. Let him see the aftermath of his mess. That is your house. Fuck him.”
