Page 51 of Loathing My Boss
“Was he being aggressive?” she asks.
Aggressive…? Aggressive is a bit moreangry, I think. He was calm the entire time, even when he stood his ground. “No.”
“And this was a first offense?”
“Yes.”
“Harassment, according to the definitions I’m looking up, appears marked by repeated and persistent behaviors. Do you think Viktor would force himself on you if you told him not to touch you?”
“He cupped my face, and I told him to stop touching me, but he wouldn’t.” Until I said he was making me uncomfortable. But then that didn’t stop him fromkissingme. So, I believe the point is moot. “I can’t believe you didn’t tell me if you knew that he was—for who knows what reasons—attractedto me. Is he demented? Am I the poster child for some twisted kink I don’t know about?”
Silence.
It’s so profound I believe we’ve lost connection until Crimson’scautious voice comes through the speaker. “Dearness…remember how much I love you?”
I don’t see how her loving me is relevant, but I say, “Um, yes?”
“I’m not special. You’re very, very easy to love.”
“Don’t be stupid. You’re holding onto my last functioning brain cell. If you infect it, I won’t survive.”
Her soothing voice coaxes. “It’s a very adorable brain cell. Don’t worry. I’m taking good care of it, feeding it all the love and appreciation all of you deserves.”
“Do not give propaganda to my brain cell.”
“Too late. I’ve already printed all the fliers. It’s reviewing them. At length. Oohing and aahing at how wonderful it is.” Persistent, and thereforeharassing, Crimson says, “You’re easy to love. I didn’t even have to think about loving you before it happened. I’m certain the emotion took Viktor by similar surprise. He’s careful, with his own set of trust issues, so I’m almost positive when he realized he wanted you, he gave himself a set of rules to follow before he could act on his feelings.”
Wanted me.
The very idea makes my skin crawl and my stomach curdle.
Anyonewantingme feels like the precursor to a joke. I’m not interested in being the punchline again. Ican’tgo back there.
“I don’t want to be loved,” I blurt. “I really don’t.”
“My heart, it breaks. Has my love disappointed you, dearness? Does it no longer appease your requirements? It fails to suit the lofty heights of your expectations?”
“I don’t know why you love me, Crim. I’m just…me, you know?” Useless, worthless, unlovable me. Monstrous, terrible, hatefulme. Ugly, frumpy, disgusting me. “There’s nothing good about me.”
“There’s nothing good about anyone, Cris,” she murmurs. “There doesn’t need to be. I love that all of our bad meets at a thousand different crossroads and chooses to walk forward from them together. I love you for being you, and for the pieces of myself I see in you. People are self-centric. They love and hate the people that remind them the most of themselves. You remind me of the things I love about who I am, like my patience and my work ethic, so I overlook and forgive the parts that are less lovely, like our tempers when we reach a breaking point. Loving you isn’t just easy. Loving you lets me be kinder with myself. I am eternally grateful for you.”
I just stopped crying, and I don’t want to start again, not while I’m driving, so I swallow the emotions down, where they make my words break and crackle when I talk. “I love you so much, Crim. I don’t want anyone else. Everyone else is scary.”
“That’s fair. But you have to be the one to tell Viktor that. Break his heart. He’s handed it to you, so squeeze. Squeeze until your hatred is satisfied, then let it go so it’ll stop hurting you and come away to my loving arms. We’ll have a girls’ night and day forever and face eternity together.”
Dread mixed with guilt rises to crush the air from my lungs. I forgot. I was so shocked and repulsed by the kiss, I forgot entirely that I also learned today that the very foundation of my hatred all these years has been unfounded.
I wish, deeply, that I could place the same amount of ire on him kissing me that I placed on his critique. Shifting my hatred back to a place where I feel justified and right in it would be fabulous.
But.
I can’t.
I’m disgusted, repulsed, and sick because he kissedme. Not because he kissed me.
I’mthe element making me ill.
He kissed a gross, sobbing mess of a human being.
