Page 58 of Lane

I nodded but didn’t say a word. Not a single syllable had slipped past my lips while I was awake since that day. Alton and Lane said I cried out in my sleep. All I remembered when I woke was reliving the nightmare of my dad’s death repeatedly. I didn’t think I had any tears left but every time I was awakened from a nightmare, they rolled down my cheeks.

Our mom asked us to deliver the eulogy. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t say the words to give the final goodbye to our dad. Reghan said he would, but only if I was there beside him. I would have my family’s back the best I could. Bringing myself to voice that this was it… I couldn’t do it.

Today, we were going to have a service at the funeral home then drive to the cemetery where he’d be laid to rest. Tears stung my eyes again. Would the pain ever go away?

Reghan dropped to his knees in front of me and took my hands in his. “We’re going to get through this. I’ve got you, okay?” I always knew he was the stronger of us but didn’t admit to it because it was more fun competing with him. Like this, there was no doubt my brother was stronger.

I nodded again, then placed my forehead against his and closed my eyes. My fingers clutched his hands tightly.

The door to the apartment opened, but neither of us moved. We were quickly surrounded by the people we cared about. Alton and Lane sat on either side of me, the couch dipping as they did so. I briefly opened my eyes to see Barrett lowering himself to the ground to wrap himself around my brother.

We stayed there until I had to get ready. Alton and Lane led me next door, and I dressed on autopilot. They hugged and kissed me. I did the same to them. Where words wouldn’t come, my actions did. I wasn’t angry at them; I was in pain. They didn’t push me to talk. They simply held me and were there for me.

Mom was in the hallway with Reghan and Barrett when we emerged from the apartment. She wore an emerald-green dress I’d never seen her in before and black heels. Teardrop diamonds dangled from her ears—my dad had bought them for her a few birthdays ago. I offered her a sad smile.

“Your father would be proud of you boys, of all of you. Don’t forget that. Today is for him. Tomorrow, you have to push forward. I gave you this time to mourn. I needed it too. But we can’t live as shells of ourselves. I’m not saying it’ll be easy. In fact, I know it will be fucking horrible. We’ll get through it together though. All right?”

We nodded.

“Good. Let’s go.”

My mom was one of the toughest women I’d ever met. She’d push down what she felt to make sure everyone else was okay. It was how she’d always been. That didn’t mean she wasn’t broken inside. It was how she dealt with things.

There was a line of SUVs in the garage waiting for us. Jordan greeted my mom first. He offered his condolences and assured her there were already guards in place at the funeral home and the cemetery. No one would get near us. I was glad he arranged it. In my current state, security hadn’t even crossed my mind.

Mom was right. After today, we had to move forward again. This wasn’t like me. One more day was all I was giving myself. I’d miss him like hell, but he wouldn’t have wanted us to drown in sorrow.

Instead of thanking Jordan with words, I hugged him.

He embraced me back and whispered, “You’re taken care of, okay?”

I nodded.

“Anything you need, I’ll handle.”

A tear broke free. I patted him on the back and pulled away, wiping my eye. Jordan had given Reghan and me time off, as much as we needed.

We climbed into the SUVs: my mom, Reghan, and me. We kept her in the middle while Sheldon drove and Barrett sat up front. Lane and Alton would be right behind us in another vehicle.

The funeral home was located one town over from where my childhood home was. Due to the number of people who knew my dad, they weren’t able to fit everyone, so my mom decided to keep the service private. Yesterday was the viewing. Closed casket. Dad wouldn’t have wanted anyone to see him like that.

When we pulled up, the parking lot was full. We had a lot of family and close friends, who were invited. The room would be filled, although it was nothing compared to the sheer number of people who attended yesterday. Reghan, Mom, and I were there while they paid their respects. The line seemed like it wouldn’t end. I’d never known anything so emotionally draining.

Reghan and I led Mom into the room where the service was. People filled the chairs and stood along the perimeter of the room. There was a row of seats up front for us and our partners, as well as Jordan and his and Dexen and his. If it wasn’t for such a god-awful reason, I’d marvel at the powerful people inone room, as I did at the party. No one would be hitting this up though. Not with the amount of power surrounding the building.

I tuned everything out for a while once we were seated. I held Mom’s hand in mine on one side and Lane’s hand on my other. My eyes wouldn’t stray from the casket. Flowers were placed on top. More were off to the side on stands. Mom was explicit when she said no fragrant lilies. She didn’t care for the scent and didn’t want it to always remind her of today.

When it was time for Reghan to speak, I stood beside him, listened to his words with my shoulder touching his and our hands entwined. There was little strength left in me. What I had, I offered to him. His words, fuck, they were beautiful. Even if I could have written something, it wouldn’t have compared to what he did. I couldn’t keep the tears at bay and let them run freely as he spoke through his own emotions.

Mom stood and embraced us when we were done. It was Reghan who spoke and deserved her attention, not me. As with everything, she didn’t favor one of us over the other, even when one was more deserving. Reghan and I were always equals.

Upon the completion of the service, we stepped outside. Snow came down heavily. We were back on the road for the short drive to the cemetery, where my dad was placed in the plot my mom had bought. More words were said. We each took turns saying our final goodbye. I couldn’t voice mine, but I laid my hand on the casket and poured my heart and soul into my thoughts. Wherever he was, I hoped he heard me.

I had a hard time leaving when it was over. It was the final piece to him really being gone, the final thread that tethered me to him. Without Alton and Lane on either side of me, holding my hands and standing steady, I might have stayed there for hours. Reghan must have felt the same because he stood beside us with Barrett, stone still as snow collected on his shoulders and hair.

We left eventually, covered in snow.

It was the worst day of my life. I said goodbye to my dad.

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