Page 37 of Asher's Answer
I already knew that I loved him, but this…this is unlike anything I’ve ever felt before. It’s an all-encompassing, soul-wrenching, gut-clenching feeling that lifts me up and terrifies me in equal measures. If I were to lose him now, it would destroy me.
Clearing my throat, I squeeze his fingers back. “I love you, Ash. So much.”
His expression says it all -his hazel-eyes shining the way I know mine are, his full lips turned upwards into a soft, emotional smile- and he gets up and leans over me, still holding my hand, to bring our lips together. But, before they meet, he pauses. I can feel his breath on my lips. “I love you too, Charlie.” Then he kisses me so carefully -soft, chaste and sweet- and it’s not enough. Not nearly enough. But it’s also everything.
* * *
I’m moved into a private room the next day, and when visiting hours open, it feels like everyone I’ve ever met pours in through the doors. Naturally, my family and closest friends arrive first. Then Max, who is tearing himself up over the whole incident, even though neither of us had anticipated the events as they unfolded.
I do know that if he hadn’t acted so quickly, compressing the blood flow and calling the shooting in, I would have bled out, so I tell him as much. I’ve never seen my partner as anything other than stoic or jovial, and it rattles me to see him this way. Josh steps in and repeats everything I’ve said, adding in details that have filtered around the precinct in the hours since it all went down. Nobody blames Max and we both did everything by the book.
Max has been put on desk duty, though, and needs a psych clearance before he can return to the beat. That’s hardly a surprise to any of us -it’s standard practice- but I can tell that’s grating on him, too.
Then some of the other guys from the station come in, wanting to see for themselves that I’m alive, and when my Captain joins us, things turn somber. I’m aware that my leg injury puts my future in the force on the line, but when he says it out loud, it’s like I’m losing a part of me. With the metal rod in my leg, it’s not likely I’ll get medical clearance to return, even if I do get a full range of motion back, but he doesn’t know for sure, and we all pretend to be hopeful.
I start making backup plans anyway.
At some point, the stream of visitors abates and I’m left alone with Ash for the first time in far too long. I shuffle towards the right side of my bed -my injured side- and pat the space I’ve opened on the left. “C’mere, little lamb.”
Cautiously, he snuggles into my side and we both sigh in contentment. In addition to my concerns about my career, I’m worried that my injuries are going to make it difficult for me to be the Daddy he needs. Sex is probably going to be off the table while my leg recovers, but it’s the other stuff -crawling around on the floor with him during playtime, kneeling beside the tub for bath time, sitting him in my lap, lifting and carrying him- that I’m really concerned about. The next few months are going to suck, and I don’t want to disappoint him.
I keep these thoughts to myself, though. Once I’ve spoken to the physical therapist, I’ll know what I’m really working with. Until then, we’re just going to have to get creative.
“I really do love your family,” Ash says, breaking the silence that’s descended between us. He nuzzles his head into the hollow of my throat and my arm tightens around him. “They are…” he pauses and weighs his words, “boisterous, but they’ve been so sweet to include me in everything.”
Josh has already told me that my family dragged Ash and Ted along with them to dinner last night, and that Maisy’s been doing her best to keep Mom from smothering him with too much affection. Not that I think there is such a thing as too much affection when it comes to my boy. He soaks it up like a sponge, and I’m starting to guess that he never had enough of it growing up.
“Even Axel’s showing his inner Daddy around him,” Josh had teased.
I can see that being a thing. Ash has this air about him -even when he’s big- that seems to beg for love and protection. Between those big, hazel eyes, the soft curls on his head and his youthful face, it’s hard not to want to wrap him in bubble wrap and keep him safe.
“Let me know if they get to be too much,” I tell Ash as I pull myself out of my thoughts. “It happens. They drive me crazy and I’m used to them.”
“I mean…your Mom asked me what size underwear I wear, so…I can see that.”
I groan and close my eyes. “Mom…”
Ash giggles and attempts to snuggle closer. Unless he can somehow melt into me via osmosis, he’s already as close as he can get. But the feel of him, warm and solid against me, is everything I need right now. “She means well. I think she wanted to bring me a change of clothes because I don’t want to go home.”
My heart sinks. “Baby, you’re going to have to go eventually.”
I feel him go tense. “I don’t want to.” I can’t see his face, but I can hear him pouting. It’s the first sign of Little Ash I’ve seen since I woke up here.
“Asher…”
“No.”
I pause. I’m not exactly sure how to proceed here. He’s pushing boundaries, but at the same time he’s likely reacting to the fear and stress of yesterday’s events. It’s not fair to discipline him for that…however, the way he’s channeling those feelings isn’t appropriate. “Ash.”
He shakes his head, pressing his face harder into me. His shoulders shake under my arm and, yeah, there’s no way I’m going to get stern with him.
“Baby, I’m okay…” I say as the first tears hit the skin of my neck.
“I was so scared,” he cries, and it breaks my heart all over again.
“I know.”
“I thought I was going to lose you.”
