Page 9 of Spencer's Satisfaction
That might make me selfish, but at least I’m not going to doom some kid to a life with a father who resents them and doesn’t treat them with the unconditional love they deserve.
So, I’ve spent a long time analyzing why I enjoy being an age play daddy. I’ve heard people refer to the Daddy/Little relationship as ‘pseudo-pedophilia’ or ‘pedophilia lite’, and that hurts deeply. For me, being in a Daddy/Little relationship has nothing to do with sex. Yes, it is considered a kink and, yes, it is a part of the BDSM lifestyle for that reason, but I’m not getting off on the thought of being with a child. I’m with other consenting adults.
It’s the intimacy that the roleplay fosters which gets my engines going. There’s deep trust exchanged in any of the scenes we partake in. To know that the person I’m with is laying themselves bare, with all their vulnerabilities on display, and is trusting me wholeheartedly to support them and join them as they let go of the stresses of their adult lives gives me a high that nothing else can rival.
I like feeling as though I am my lover’s safe space. I am the person they can just let go and be themselves with zero judgment. I’m the person they trust to take care of their needs, whatever they might be. And, in return, I find reward in their love and confidence in me.
I’ve spoken about this with the guys in my social circle, of course, and they’ve all said they feel much the same way as I do, which is hardly a surprise. We all came together through The Grove and bonded over being like-minded Daddies.
Over the years, that morphed into a genuine friendship group. We have supported each other through breakups and new relationships, through shootings (Charlie) and a new marriage (also Charlie), through revelations of personal hardships (Matt and Ted) and everything else in between. The group has been slowly expanding as the others find their ‘Forever Littles’, or Daddies in Matt’s case, and Charlie has taken the foundations of our little group and has applied them to the creation of his and Asher’s kink-specific social haven: The Little Community Center.
But even though I know they get it, and that I could try and parse out my lingering twisted up feelings over my breakup with Emma with them, I haven’t been able to do it.
“Did I hit a nerve?” Chance prompts me, and I realize I’ve been quiet for too long.
We’re still standing on the sidewalk in the dark, and I sigh, running a hand through my hair. I wince at the knots and tangles I encounter. “It’s not like that,” I finally manage to get out, pulling aggressively at a particularly stubborn tangle. “I don’t feel guilty or wrong or…or anything like that. I just…” I lick my lips. “I’m just not going to lookspecificallyfor someone into Little play. I want a lover; apartner. Not just someone to indulge my kinks.”
This is only a partial truth, but Chance doesn’t need to know that. It’s possible that I’m attempting to talk myself out of my deepest desires, because it’s been so long that finding the right partner to tick all my dream boxes is starting to sound like a pipe dream.
Charlie said something like that once. After his breakup with what’s-his-name. The guy before Asher came on the scene. At the time, I didn’t give it a whole lot of thought. I was with Emma and things were good for me. Yeah, Emma was little a lot more than she was big, but it worked for us.
Until it didn’t.
Now I get what Charlie was trying to express all those years ago. He wanted to find balance.
Unfortunately for me, ‘balance’ looks different to everyone.
What Charlie has with Asher is a completely different dynamic to the one I had with Emma, though at the time I thought it was similar because Ash approaches his Little persona with the same fluidity that Emma did. But Ash as an adult isfarmore independent than Emma ever was. He’s Charlie’s equal, supporting his husband with the same intensity that Charlie supports him. Emma wasn’t like that in return. She cared about me, but only because of how heavily she relied on me…and Ilovedthat.
I still want something like that.
Even if my partner isn’t a Little, I want to look after them. I want them to depend on me. I want to be their safe space, like I was for Emma.
I’vegotto stop thinking about her.
It’s honestly not even her that I miss anymore. It’s more the relationship itself. Being wanted and needed and loved. That’s what I miss. So, no, I don’t need Daddy/Little roleplay in order to feel those things. It helps cement them for me, but it’s not a necessity.
My thoughts are going around in circles now.
“Don’t get me wrong,” I decide to throw Chance a bone, forcing my feet to start moving again, “if I happen to meet a Little who grabs my attention and wants the same things I do? I’d be all over that like a rash. But I’m not going to turn down an opportunity to see what else…whoelse is out there for me, either.”
My buddy mulls over this in silence as we near our vehicles. For a few moments, all I can hear in the still night air is the sound of our measured footfalls on the pavement. Then Chance says, “And if you and this waiter boy-”
“Tony,” I correct him.
I don’t need to look at him to know that he’s rolling his eyes. “If you andTony,” the inflection is teasing, “hit it off, you’re telling me you’re okay with not being a Daddy again if he’s not into it?”
“I only just got his number, man,” I bypass the question with a laugh and a shake of my head. “You’re putting the cart before the horse. I mean, we might go on one date and find we have nothing in common.”
He snorts, finally reaching his car and leaning against it. “The kid listens to the shit you narrate and looks at you with stars in his big, brown eyes. I don’t think you’ll have a problem when it comes to having stuff in common.”
I shrug, pulling my own keys from my pocket now that I’m only a few steps away from my car. “All I’m saying is you’re worrying about something that’s not likely to be an issue for a long while.”
“Uh huh,” he doesn’t sound convinced. His keys jangle as he raises his hand to point at me in illustration of his final points, “I’ve watched Charlie, Matt,andTed go from single to super committed relationships in the blink of an eye. Mark my words, Spence: I’ve seen the way that boy looks at you. These issues’ll pop up sooner than you think. And you’d better be ready to face ‘em.”
Chapter Four – Tony
Ihave adate.
