Page 37 of Going Overboard

Sadly there’s no safety drill for emergencies like this one though.

15

I know that the ship has multiple dining rooms but this one that we’re walking through now is exactly what I think of when I imagine a cruise ship dining room. Elegant as hell, high ceilings, chandeliers, white tablecloths with polished cutlery. I thought it sounded silly, when I heard you had to dress for dinner here, but now that I’m in it I would feel so out of place in anything but my finery – well, my fine-ish-ery.

Brody has scrubbed up really well, in his black suit, his unruly hair slicked into something neat for the occasion. All of the men in here are wearing dinner jackets – even the waitstaff. There’s a bloody string quartet in the corner, which is waaaay tooTitanicfor my liking, but oh-so fancy at the same time.

The air smells like wine and food and money – not literally like coins, just, like, expense. Expensive booze, expensive food, expensive perfumes and aftershaves. God, I hope the food is as nice as everything else is leading me to believe.

We’re meeting Kelsey and Neil, Al and Kira, and Todd and Nikki. I suppose it was always going to be the eight of us at the table, before we went all wife-swap. Kira is a friend of mine andKelsey’s – she’s Kelsey’s other bridesmaid – and Al and Neil are friends. Brody is friends with them both, and I guess Todd knows him, but Nikki has never been a part of our group. I guess she was in the mix, as Brody’s girlfriend, and now as Todd’s – otherwise she wouldn’t even be here. I’m not even sure Todd would have a seat at the table, had he not been with me for the last year or so.

At least I have friends here, real friends, unlike Nikki. I might not have a boyfriend but I do feel secretly glad that I have Brody here by my side, my bodyguard – I’m literally wearing him like armour right now. I just feel like while we’re pretending to be together he’s like a shield for me, someone who – just by standing next to me – shows people that I’m over it, and I’m doing well, and I’m moving on. I’m unflappable – even if I am flapping on the inside.

It’s just such a mess, and I suppose it’s only going to get messier before it gets better – sort of like when you empty the contents of your wardrobe, to tidy it, only to make your room look like a bomb has hit it. Take tonight, for example. Not only do we have to navigate convincing our friends that we’re the hot new couple on the scene (hopefully stealing Todd and Nikki’s thunder) but we still need to have a conversation about sleeping arrangements. There’s only one bed in our room, because of course there is, so I’m not sure what we’re going to do about that one. A problem for future Jessa, let’s leave it at that.

I glance at Brody as we walk arm in arm. He looks so chilled out, like he was born to be here, and super composed. Whereas I am bricking it about putting on a show for my best friends, because surely they can see right through me, especially Kelsey. You would think there was no way I could convince her I was in love when I wasn’t.

‘You look… smug,’ I mutter as we approach the table.

He just laughs.

‘You look… terrified,’ he replies. ‘And like you’re punching.’

‘That’s because I am,’ I tell him. ‘Terrified, I mean. Not punching.’

I know he’s just saying it to wind me up, because exchanging insults is apparently our thing now, but I will be punching if he doesn’t knock it off.

‘Just try to relax,’ he says, giving my arm a bit of a squeeze. ‘It’ll be easy. We’ll just ad-lib some bullshit, they’ll lap it up.’

I whip my head around to face him.

‘Oh my God, no, that’s an awful plan,’ I tell him. ‘Some bullshit isn’t going to cut it. just leave the talking to me, yeah?’

‘But I’m so good at it,’ he says with a playful pout.

‘You’re really not,’ I reply. ‘Quality, not quantity.’

Brody just shakes his head.

We’re nearly at the table. Kelsey has spotted us, she’s waving us over, and Neil is smiling beside her. Al’s already got his jacket off, so no surprises there, and Kira’s on the wine already. And then there’s them. Todd and Nikki. Ugh. I still can’t believe they’re here, together, and I’m having to put up with them.

Nikki is wearing a red silky dress that is hugging her like it loves her. Her body is probably as close to perfect as a person can get, so it’s no surprise she has men falling at her feet. Brody is perfectly chiselled too, they make sense together. Not me though. Nikki looks like she could model for Versace. I look like the lass from the logo.

We all exchange hellos as Brody and I reach our table. He steps forward to pull my chair out for me, tucking it in as I sit down. Okay, so maybe he’s not so bad at this stuff after all.

‘Look at you two!’ Kelsey says, smiling widely. ‘I can’t believe it.’

‘None of us can,’ Nikki chimes in.

I ignore her.

Todd isn’t saying much. He’s staring down at his whisky, swirling it like the instructions for how to deal with this situation might be lurking in the bottom of the glass.

I notice Kelsey grinning at me from across the table. It makes me happy and sad to see that she looks so, so happy for me. I’ll bet she has a lot of questions, like why didn’t I tell her that Brody and I were a thing, and while the answer is quite obviously that the reason I didn’t tell her is because it’s not true, I need to make her believe it, just for now, just until the wedding of her dreams is over. Then Brody and I can break up, I’ll say he cheated on me, or had super gonorrhoea, or got super gonorrhoea while he was cheating on me – bottom line, it will be his fault, because while he might look like more of a catch on paper, he also looks like the one more likely to cheat. As far as I’m concerned, he’s got ‘dump me’ written all over him. I’m not surprised Nikki ditched him for Todd – I was going to say sweet, dependable Todd, but he wasn’t fucking sweet or dependable for me in the end. Perhaps he’ll do better with her.

‘So… this is new,’ Kira says, eyeing the two of us over the top of her wine glass.

‘So is that,’ Al adds, jerking his head towards Todd and Nikki as he smirks to himself.

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