Page 44 of Going Overboard

Here is a double win though because it’s not just a breakfast buffet, it’s an incredible breakfast buffet, with everything you could possibly want – and the best version of it at that.

They even have a chef, behind a serving hatch, who is constantly replenishing the hot items, making sure they stay warm, and cooking the eggs to order which is great, because I love to dip my toast in my egg – like a child.

I load up my plate with enough fruit and yogurt to justify the unhealthy items I have, whereas for Brody it’s all protein – and his pile of mood-boosting pastries, of course.

Our plates piled suitably high, we look for somewhere to sit. We’re supposed to be meeting Kelsey, Neil and the gang to make a plan for today. I wonder what they’ll have in store for us. Not that I don’t want to hang out with them, but I am looking forward to exploring more of the ship on my own – the fun stuff, not the gym.

‘I don’t think they’re here yet,’ Brody says. ‘But Nikki and Todd are, and they’ve seen us.’

He nods towards their table and, yep, they’ve definitely spotted us.

‘Ugh, do we have to join them?’ I check. ‘Can’t we at least wait for Kelsey and Neil, or Al and Kira – anyone, just to not be alone with them.’

‘Nah, we should sit with them, show them how unbothered we are,’ he replies. ‘If we retreat now, they’ll realise.’

‘Or they’ll think that we just don’t like them,’ I reply.

‘Which I would define as being bothered,’ he says. ‘Whereas joining them means we’re too wrapped up in ourselves to even think of them.’

I follow his lead but, honestly, I think I’d probably sooner go back to the gym.

We make our way over, all smiles, and take our seats opposite them.

‘Morning,’ I say brightly.

‘Good morning,’ Brody adds, moaning theatrically as he sits down. I don’t even think his back is that bad, I think he’s trying to psych me out, because I’ll be sleeping in there tonight.

Nikki scowls at him.

‘Rough night,’ he tells them, just in case they were wondering – I’m sure they weren’t.

‘Yeah, well, we’re not surprised,’ Nikki replies, clearly annoyed about something.

‘Yep, we heard,’ Todd replies. ‘Loud and clear.’

‘You heard what?’ I ask, no idea what they’re on about.

Todd clears his throat awkwardly.

‘We heard you, last night, after dinner,’ he says. ‘In fact, I need to talk to you both about it, because you were being incredibly disrespectful.’

‘What?’ I reply. ‘Why? What are you on about?’

I’m sure there is a more polite way to ask, but it’s Todd, and I’m not up for his riddles today.

‘We heard you. In your room,’ he says, leaning in, lowering his voice.

‘You… what?’

I turn to Brody and notice that he’s sniggering. What am I missing here?

‘Princess, they heard us, in our room, last night… our bed activities… y’know?’ Brody prompts me.

Oh, God, okay, I’m there. He heard us moving the bed except, from the look on his face – on both his and Nikki’s faces – they clearly think they heard us having sex, which… yeah, fair enough, the banging, the grunting, the things we were saying. I’m pretty sure I was saying ‘harder’ quite a lot – I even think I told Brody to ‘destroy it’ at some point.

My instinct is to set them straight, but this doesn’t exactly hurt the story we’re trying to tell, does it? I never would have had the guts to intentionally fake having sex with Brody but, well, if I’ve done it by accident, we’ll call that a win. And it is a win, just looking at their faces, how horrified they are…

‘So gross,’ Nikki says. ‘Honestly, you’re just showing off at this point.’

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