Page 63 of Going Overboard

‘Do you want him back though?’ he says, giving me one last chance to convince him.

‘I don’t want to get him back, I want togethim back,’ I reply. ‘I want revenge. That’s why we’re doing all of this, right? Why we’re faking it, sleeping in the bath – why I’m in a gym in the a.m. If they’re thinking they’ve made a mistake then, good, it’s working.’

‘I guess,’ he replies. ‘And you know I’m happy to help with that. But at some point we’re just going to have to accept it, right? And move on for real.’

‘Yeah, absolutely,’ I reply. ‘And I will let it go…’

Just not yet.

26

Okay, either the sea air is getting to me, sleeping in a bath causes me to sleepwalk, or… someone is messing with me.

I suppose it’s to be expected, you play stupid games, you win stupid prizes – but I’m not doing anything to sabotage the wedding plans. If what I think has happened is correct then Nikki is messing with the wedding, and that’s not cool at all.

Kelsey and Neil decided pretty early on that they were going to have a joint stag and hen party and, do you know what? I’m here for it. Call me old-fashioned – or the opposite, I suppose – but I hate the idea of a couple starting married life after he gets a lap dance while chained naked to a lamp post, and she gets hit in the face with a stripper’s monster dong.

They knew we would be here with them so they thought it might be swanky for us all to spend an evening in the ship’s casino. We were all instructed to bring evening wear, with a James Bond kind of vibe, so I bought myself a floor-length gold dress for the occasion. I took it out of my bag, and it was a little creased, so I left it hung up in the living room.

Well, would you believe it, it’s gone. Vanished into thin air. Or found a life of its own and waltzed out. Or… Nikki stole it.

I’ll tell you why I’m suspicious of her (other than her just being a generally shady man-stealing chick), because I asked the boys if they had seen it and they said no. I asked Nikki and she said: maybe the cleaner stole it, then again, maybe she thought it was rubbish and threw it away. To say something so mean, come on, it had to be her.

I could’ve kicked off, accused her, thrown all of her clothes off the balcony – instead I have decided to show her that she can’t get to me (even if she actually can, quite easily). I’m looking at the glass and it’s half full. I get to go dress shopping for something even nicer – and, to add insult to injury for her, I’m going shopping with her ex-boyfriend. Then again, she is sleeping with mine, so maybe she still wins that one.

I’m just trying to focus on the positives: like I said, I get to buy a new dress, and Brody is here and he’s got big strong arms for carrying loads of things.

‘Thanks for coming with me,’ I tell my emotional support sportsman.

‘It’s something to do,’ he says with a shrug. ‘I like exploring the ship, seeing what it has to offer.’

‘And yet we still haven’t been to the spa…’

‘Now, now, darling, we’ll get to it,’ he teases.

‘I am going to the gym every morning…’

‘I know, I know…’

As we arrive at the ship shop, it stops us both in our tracks.

‘Wow,’ I blurt.

Calling it a shop seems sort of silly now – I was imagining a gift shop but what I’m standing in is pretty much a department store. There are so many spaces on this ship where you could easily forget you were at sea. I overheard someone saying thesewaters were pretty calm, compared to others, so I’m counting my blessings that I can’t feel the water beneath my feet.

I’m like a kid in a sweet shop – there are rails and rails of clothes, shoes, cosmetics, perfume, jewellery… I’d be in so, so much trouble if I was rich. I could do the kind of spending in here that would make my credit card company call me and check if I’m okay.

‘It’s so easy, being a man,’ Brody announces.

‘I mean, I already knew that,’ I reply. ‘But why specifically today?’

‘Well, it’s easy for us to find a James Bond-style outfit – it’s just a suit,’ he replies. ‘I can see a billion dresses right now.’

‘And you get to help me pick one, you lucky man!’

He yawns theatrically.

‘I’m tired just thinking about it,’ he jokes.

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