Page 61 of Denim & Diamonds

He smiled sadly. “Yes, I was. I was in the back row. I came to a lot of things without letting you know I was there.”

“Why would you do that?”

He shrugged. “It was a big day for you, and I didn’t want to make your anxiety worse.”

I wouldn’t have had anxiety if it weren’t for you.

I stayed quiet for a long time.

Trinity looked back and forth between us. She tilted her head. “What are you thinking right now, February?”

“I don’t think I should say.”

She spoke to my dad. “Would you like to hear what’s on your daughter’s mind? Even if it’s hurtful?”

He nodded. “We can’t get past it until it all comes out.”

Trinity looked to me. “Take your time.”

I sighed. “I was thinking I didn’t have anxiety before Mom’s thirty-fifth birthday.”

Dad’s face fell. “I’m sorry.” He looked over at Trinity. “I made my daughter keep quiet about something I shouldn’t have. What I did shouldn’t have happened at all, but at the very least, I should have owned my actions and come clean to my wife.” He paused and looked at me again. “I’m so sorry, February.”

“I thought you were out shopping for Mom’s birthday gift when I saw your car in the back of the store parking lot. I thought maybe for once, you hadn’t gambled away all of your paycheck and were going to remember Mom’s birthday the next day.”

My father looked to Trinity. “February was out riding her bike, minding her own business, happy as can be, and she found me in the car with another woman.”

I scoffed. “She was riding something else.”

“Not that it excuses any of my actions, but I was an alcoholic with a gambling addiction.”

“Was?” Trinity asked.

He nodded. “I’ve been sober for seven years now. Haven’t gambled in eight.”

That information took me by surprise; my chest tightened. “I didn’t know that.”

“I wasn’t a good father, and I was an even worse husband. I’ve made more mistakes than I could count in my life. But it haunts me to this day that I forced you to keep quiet about what you saw.” Hehung his head.

When he lifted it and looked at Trinity again, there were tears in his eyes. “I manipulated my own child, told her that if she shared what she’d seen, it would break up our family and be very painful for her mother.”

“To this day, I have trouble looking Mom in the eyes because of the secret I carry with me.” I looked at my therapist. “They split up a year later. Mom told us it was because she couldn’t take the drinking anymore. But then when I was seventeen, we ran into a woman on the street. She stopped us and apologized to Mom. That’s when I learned my mother knew he’d had affairs and didn’t tell us. That woman wasn’t even the same woman I’d caught him in the car with. Apparently there were many. Still, my mom tried to protect my sister and me, even after he’d cheated on her. Yet he was selfish enough to make his own daughter lie and live with guilt.”

Dad wiped a tear from his cheek. “I did all that and more. If I could go back and change things, I would. I swear to you, I would. But I can’t. All I can do is apologize.” He reached out and touched my hand. “I’m sorry, February. I’mso, sosorry for the things I’ve done that hurt you.”

I looked down at his hand covering mine. “Mom has been encouraging me to make amends with you for years.”

Dad shook his head. “She’s still the kindest human I’ve ever met.”

I tasted salt in my throat and swallowed. “She is. Some things never change.”

He squeezed my hand. “ButI like to think that I have.”

Over the next two hours, there were a lot more tears—from my dad and from me. But toward the end, there was some laughter, too. Trinity stayed in the background most of the time, only guiding us when necessary.

Eventually, a low chime on her phone sounded. She pushed the button to turn it off and smiled. “Sorry about that. I always set alarms because I have a tendency to lose track of time. There are only about five minutes left of family day visiting hours. I’ll leave you two alone, and you can walk your dad out.”

“Okay. Thank you for everything, Trinity.”

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