“I don’t know,” I replied and cleared my throat because my voice was cracking. “What am I doing to you?”
He shook his head and turned away from me again. “You’ve got me thinking and feeling things that I shouldn’t be thinking and feeling.”
“Did you say that I made you feel? That can’t be a bad thing now, can it?”
“I don’t have time for feelings in my life, Kandi. I’ve set everything up the way that it should be. That’s how shit flows smoothly, and that’s how I maintain control of my life.”
“Or maybe that is how you stay locked in. You’re so guarded, Kayn, that you don’t let anyone in, including those who love you. I see how desperately your aunt and uncle want to break through those walls, but you won’t give them an inch. And then there’s Byron and Myra, who don’t seem to care about your walls, and poor Chauncey doesn’t even know how to deal with you.”
He shrugged.
“You’re not truly that callous, I know.”
“It’s easier this way, Kandi. Trust me. I’ve been through enough in my life that I know what I need to do to protect myself.”
“And what about protecting those who love you from all that anger and animosity you hold within?”
“If they stay away, they won’t get burned,” he stated sourly and stood from the bed.
“Where are you going?” I asked as he headed for the door.
“Out.”
He closed the door firmly behind him as though shutting the door on any conversation that led to discussing his emotions. My heart broke for him.
12
KISSES & S’MORES
Kayn
We had spent the day making snowmen and snow angels and having a snowball fight. Afterwards, we warmed up and had lunch and then walked to the church to see the annual Christmas play. Once that was finished, we returned to my aunt and uncle’s house, cooked dinner and desserts, and ate while reminiscing.
It was late, and Kandi had gone upstairs to get ready for bed. I bid my time and waited for a while for her to finish showering before I went up. I decided that I didn’t want to tempt myself by being in the room and hearing her in the shower. I would be plagued with thoughts of what her body looked and smelled like and what she might taste like.
I talked to Uncle JR about my business for a while before I excused myself to go up to bed. Everyone else was in the living room watching TV and talking.
I rapped on the door softly before I turned the doorknob. I had been giving her the respect of knocking before I entered the room, but I always made sure no one was around when I did. I pushed the door open and noticed that she wasn’t in bed yet. The bathroom light was on, and the door was partially open.
“Are you decent?” I called out.
“Yes. I’m just removing my makeup,” she answered.
I leaned against the doorframe and watched her.
“Kayn, may I ask you a question?”
“Shoot.”
She set the face towelettes on the counter and gripped the edge of the sink. Her eyes met mine in the mirror, and I had a feeling that I wasn’t going to like what she had to ask or say.
“What’s going on between you and Chauncey? I sense a lot of tension and hostility there. When he speaks to me or comes close to me, you become extremely territorial, almost to the point of biting his head off.”
I knew that she would pick up on that because it had been happening exactly as she stated. Uncle JR had us play Christmas charades earlier, and he had allowed Aunt Frances to form the teams. Kandi and I weren’t on the same team, so that had already pissed me off, but she and Chauncey were, which heated me even more.
Every time she guessed a clue or guessed the answer, he felt the need to high-five her or hug her. Whenever she didn’t get something right, he felt the need to pat her hand or touch her in some manner, and I wasn’t cool with that shit. Kandi would smile politely at him, and I even saw her move away from him on a few occasions. When I said something to him about that shit, he downplayed it and joked it off. Uncle JR warned me to quit being so sensitive. Chauncey needed to keep his hands to himself.
“Our beef goes back to being teenagers.”