Page 2 of Flirt

I ran a hand down my face and contemplated how much to say to Mark. I could easily have stuck with nothing being wrong, but I respected Mark too much to blow him off. Not to mention the man had always been able to read me.

I took a deep breath. It seemed I would voice my feelings of late whether I was ready or not, then blew it out. “I’m questioning my participation in the club. It’s lost some of its appeal. I’ve always enjoyed the ability to help a sub reach subspace where pleasure overrides, and nothing else matters. Watch them fall, then use my experience to comfort and soothe until they’re back in control of their emotions. Lately, though, in the end I am unfulfilled.”

“Is that why you’ve been scarce around here?” Mark asked, and I nodded.

“Yes. I thought a break might refresh me. I grew tired of walking away disappointed in myself. Hell, you mention being a fraud. Maybe I’ve been the fraud all along.” I hated discussing my own feelings. It sucked and made me sound like a whiny asshole.

“Being dominant isn’t something you can shut on and off, Max, but you know that already. I know you’ve never had a desire to be connected to one sub. However, maybe that is what’s changed, my friend.”

I opened my mouth to speak, and Mark held his hand up.

“Let me finish. Before Stella, I was the same way. Oh, it’s fun and enjoyable and satisfying to have the control and skills to know what the sub in front of you needs just from their body language. For some of us, it grows monotonous over time because, outside of playing, we never form a deep connection with anyone. When I retired and came back and opened this place, I wasn’t looking for a D/s relationship that went past inside the club. At least until Stella showed up. Maybe wanting a connection is subconsciously driving what you’re experiencing.”

“I’ve witnessed the connection and bond between you and some of the other Doms with their subs. There’s balance in your relationships. I lost mine along the way. I’m not sure I even had it to begin with. I’m not finding it here at Whispering Nights.”

Mark gave me a half-smile. “I’m not going to say you’re wrong. No one can decide that but you. I do think you’re lonely.”

“Lonely?” I shook my head and guffawed. “You have to be alone to be lonely. Which I never am. Hell, I haven’t been alone since the day I was born. Have you forgotten I’m surrounded by my MC brothers? Have you forgotten my time in the Navy?”

“Not hardly. But you can still be surrounded by people and feel lonely at the same time. You know that, too. You can’t tell me there weren’t times even on a ship with thousands of sailors, you hadn’t experienced loneliness. I felt it on more than one occasion throughout my career in the service. There are differences, Max. You referenced the bond and commitment that we in the club have with our subs or wives. Do you not see the same between your MC brothers and their ol’ ladies?”

I took a deep breath, then blew it out. “My brothers share the same,” I answered while I rubbed a hand across the back of my neck. “Christ, I feel like I should be laying on a couch.”

Mark chuckled. “I’m far from a therapist, and I’m sure if you spoke with Stella, she’d inform you that I could still improve on my listening skills.”

“Stella would never say anything negative about you. Even if it was true.” I regarded my friend and turned over everything he said before I continued. “So, you’re telling me that what I’m feeling amounts to jealousy of what you and my brothers have found with your women? Do you know how fucked up it sounds? I’m happy for them and you. The women you’ve found are awesome, and they fit.”

“Not jealousy, Max. Balance. Balance isn’t exclusive to the D/s relationship. It is in every aspect of our lives. You’ve watched your brothers find the women who balance them. Make them stronger and completes them. They accept them, flaws and all. Same as they do for their women. Same as Stella does for me. Unlike you, I never had the feeling I was missing anything in my life. Not until I met Stella. Then I wondered how I survived so long without her. I’d wager it was the same with your brothers.”

“I’ve never run from commitment. Not with the Navy, the MC, or any aspects dealing with my personal life. I’ve mentioned countless times to my brothers that if I found the right woman for me, there’d be no denying it or fighting the fact. And if she needed a push, I’d tie her to my bed until she realized I was everything she needed or was looking for.”

I frowned when Mark burst out laughing. “Oh, you, my friend, are going to go down hard when you cross paths with the right woman.”

“I highly doubt that.”

“I don’t, Max. We like having control and structure in our lives. The need for the two for us is like the need for air. It doesn’t matter what type of relationship you have with your partner. If they’re happy, you’re happy. Bet your brothers prefer their women happy. Life tends to go a little smoother when they are, my friend.”

“Oh, my brothers would definitely agree with you there.” I stood. “Thanks for the talk, Mark. I think I will head back to Black Hawk. Not feeling it tonight.”

Mark stood, and we shook hands. “I’m headed home myself after my meeting.”

“Shit, I’ve been in my own head so much, I didn’t even ask about Stella.”

“Stella’s doing great. She’s at home with Chrissy tonight. I only showed up to meet with a potential new sub.” Mark looked at his watch. “As a matter of fact, she should be here any minute.”

“Well, I’ll leave you to it.” I walked to the door and opened it.

“You can hang around and be the welcoming committee.” We both walked out into the hallway.

“Plenty here tonight. You shouldn’t have a problem finding any volunteers. You know us unattached Doms can smell a new submissive from a hundred yards.” I chuckled. “Besides, the mood I’ve been in might scare her off.”

“True. Especially since she’s unsure of not only herself as a submissive, but if a club is what she’s looking for.”

I ran my fingers through my hair. “New to everything?” I asked as I pulled my fingers from my hair and waved my arm out. “Does she have a clue what goes on in a club? This isn’t a store where you check out the items offered, then if you like them, you make a purchase. What the hell?”

“Wow, you really are struggling right now. Do you think I would bother vetting her if I thought she was just curious?”

I dropped my arm to my side, took a deep breath, and blew it out. “No.” I definitely needed to get back to the compound, go in my house and shut the world out until my attitude improved.

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