Page 10 of If This is Love

“Don’t make that noise at me, brother,” I mumbled, standing on the edge of the curb and staring at nothing in particular. “Just leave it alone.”

Even I knew the words were really for me.

Yeah, your dream woman is right back there behind you, but you’re half the man you used to be, so just leave her alone.

Just show up and do your job. After all, work is the only thing you’ve ever been destined for, and the only thing you’ve ever been good at.

Toe the fucking line.

RUTH

ALGIERS POINT, NEW ORLEANS

It was Saturday, but I was up with the sun. I was always up with the sun. Even without the help of an alarm. I just stopped sleeping. The ache was at its worst in the mornings, followed closely by the evenings, but then again, the ache wasconstant.

But mornings were definitely the worst.

Mornings made me miss Michael so much that it felt like my chest was being excavated by old, rusty tools. For seven years, it was the ache in my heart that forced my eyes open every morning. And for seven years, I dealt with that horrible ache the same way.

I sat up, faced the windows, sucked in a deep, cleansing breath through my nose, and then stretched my arms way up high over my head, sighing out the same declaration I made every single morning.

“Bless the Lord, it’s another beautiful day!”

Jax was looking at me from across the room on his oversized, memory foam dog bed. His mattress was even nicer than mine, but I was already a sucker for him. His tail thumped silently against the slate blue fabric, and he tilted his head at my words.

“Right, baby boy?” I asked, flashing a big smile at him. “Should we go for a run?”

He opened his jaw, doggy-grinning back at me while his tongue hung out and his tail wagged harder, registering a quiet, low thump.

“Yeah!” I chirped. “Let’s get some endorphins!”

After all, endorphins were Mother Nature’s happy pills.

Jax excitedly pushed off his bed and made a beeline for my shins, pushing against them while he turned in a circle and set his head in my lap.

“Oh, you good, good boy,” I cooed, stroking his head and rubbing his ears. “I love you, baby Jax. You’re a wonderful, sweet boy.” I rested my cheek against the silky fur on top of his head, and a smile pulled across my face. “It is so nice having a handsome man around to wake up with again.” I patted him one last time before standing up and stuffing down the pang in my chest.

“So, we’ll go for a nice long jog,” I went on, strolling through the room to the closet. “And then when we get back, I’ll make us some breakfast, and then we can get started on…”

My words trailed off as I opened a drawer of the small armoire in my closet and grabbed a handful of running clothes as it dawned on me that I was talking to someone who wasn’t there.

Jax was now standing next to the closet door, looking up at me expectantly.

I looked down at him, chuckling lightly when I realized what I’d done in the middle of talking to my dead husband. “Oh no, I said the magic word, didn’t I?” I reached down to pat his back. “Okay, baby boy. I’ll get dressed, and thenyoucan have breakfast before we run. Okay?”

He let his big, pink tongue hang out like he was smiling at me again.

“Oh-kay,” I replied exuberantly, strolling out of the closet and tossing the clothes on the bed.

As I changed out of my airy shorts and tank top and into my running clothes, the prayer of gratitude repeated in my mind, and I put my quiet voice behind it.

“Thank you, God. Thank you that I had the chance to love this much. Thank you for love, and thank you for giving me a wonderful husband to love and who loved me. Thank you for the gift he was. Thank you for the life we had, brief as it was. Thank you for getting to love someone like that.”

* * *

Lafayette, Louisiana

I had barely peeledmy puffy-from-crying eyes open when my entire body was doused with cold water. I shot up in bed with a sharp gasp, grasping at my soaked t-shirt. Michael’s shirt. I put it on because it smelled like him, and the surprise water snuffed out that scent as quickly as it drenched the rest of me.

---