Page 103 of If This is Love

“Do you want to talk about it, or do you want me to talk about it?” I asked.

Gabe was silent for a few seconds, his breathing stretching into long, soothing inhales and exhales.

I tried again. “But you’re feeling angry about what I said.”

“I’m angry about what happened to you. I wanted to find that pastor of yours and do stuff to him that I’d never say to you.”

The little inkling of hope thatthatwas what he was angry about flickered to life and morphed into a fire that steadily rolled with ever-increasing intensity, but my heart melted so fast that my shoulders sank.

I rubbed deeper, pressing my fingertips into the muscles that flanked his spine. “They were very bad men.”

“They deserve to rot in the same hell they scared all those people into submission with,” he mumbled, his voice even more relaxed.

“Well, they’re rotting in prison, and I’m sure their boujee behinds absolutelyhatethat.” I chuckled quietly. “Their taste in lifestyle is pretty luxurious, so I know they think they’re suffering.” I paused, working out another knot just below his shoulder blade. “But you know what? I don’t really think hell is like what they talked about. The devil and a fiery pit and all that. I think hell is when we’re suffering here. When we’re sad or in turmoil. I remember the day I left that awful place, Michael’s father tried to threaten me into submission by saying he’d make sure I lost everything. He meant the house he’d given Michael and me and providing for me, but I just laughed at him. He of all people should’ve understood that I’d already lost everything that I cared about. Everything I loved. And I was already in hell. I felt that way for a long time, even after I left there.”

“That’s how I feel almost all the time,” Gabe said, his voice rasped with grogginess.

“Yeah, I can see that you do.”

“Ruth.”

Every time he interjected with my name like that, my focus sharpened. He only said my name like that when he was about to say something that was a big deal for him.

I slowed the rub of my hands but pressed more firmly. “Yeah, honey?”

“What really happened on Saturday night?”

“I just…” I started to say, pausing to inhale deeply and exhale a listless huff. Iknewit was something like that, and Ihated myselffor causing such a scene. It still bothered me that my mind always went straight tohating myself, but right now he’d just told me exactly what I’d done wrong that was twisting my stomach so badly, and I’d just have to work on figuring out that nonsense later. “I worked myself up. I just have a bunch of baggage, Gabe. Stuff I’ve been trying to work out for years. And most of it… no,allof it is from all that mess, and I’m still working through a few things. And I just worked myself up during the drive home, and then my eyes played a trick on me. Or maybe it was my mind. I don’t know.” I paused and forced a self-deprecating laugh. “That rug really looked like a man lurking on my porch, and my mind just ran away with me. I tricked myself into thinking it was my father-in-law and imagined this whole conversation with him where he was being nasty and ugly like he was the last time I saw him.” I shook my head. “It was just stupid. But it put me in a bad headspace, and I honestly was just too upset and worn out from upsetting myself. You know?”

“Yeah.” Gabe paused for a stretch while I worked the muscles on his lower back. “I do know. Kinda sounds like you blinked out. That’s what always happens when I blink out. I could have a whole confrontation with someone, hear them,feelthem, and then when I come back, it’s like a whole horrible event has happened in the blink of an eye, and nobody around me has any idea how tormenting it is.”

“Yeah.” That wasexactlywhat had happened to me, and that struck me as strange. How or why I would have an episode like the kind he dealt with seemed ludicrous. But again, nothing was aboutmeright now. “It kind of felt like when I’ve seen you do that. I’m sorry I worried you. I’d never want to cause you any kind of stress.”

“My only stress was from worrying that I pushed you too far, and you regretted what happened.” He paused weightily enough that I stayed silent. “I’ve been freaking out about it for days. And then I met with Emma a couple of times about the temple, and we got on a video call with two of the ladies that are coming for the program. It was a lot to deal with. Then Emma mentioned your video, so I had to see what you said. And then what you said hit me between the eyes. I’ve never had that kind of reaction to anything outside a war zone, and I haven’t been right since. Everything in my body feels like it’s full of knots.”

“Well, you’re…” I firmly circled my fingertips on a tense spot just below his shoulder blade. “You kindaarefull of knots, friend. I hate to think that I’m the reason you’re all worked up like this.” I sighed. “Lord, I really am sorry about that night, Gabe. I can be such a mess sometimes.”

“If you’re a mess, you’re the most beautiful mess I’ve ever seen.”

A laugh leaped up from my belly and lodged a lump square in my throat on its way out. “OhGabe.” Everything in my heart ached with every bittersweet flavor of ache in existence, and words I shouldn’t have said spilled out with a teary sob. “I feel like I love you, but I keep feeling like I shouldn’t say that.”

My own words caused my heart to skip a beat. It was no longer the emotional boulder blocking my airway, but myheartbecause it leaped right up into my throat from purepanic.

Why did I say that?

Why would I say that?

Lord, what do I do now that I said that?

I froze up other than the sweep of my hands over his bare skin, my movements now stiff and repetitive, and Gabe was just silent. It felt like years of awkward silence dragging along, and I was praying that he’d miraculously drifted off to sleep in the beat of silence that separated his heart-wrenchingly endearing words from my utterly mortifying ones. I was nearly going deaf from the loud thud of my pulse in my ears.

But then his hand caught my wrist, and he rolled onto his back, tugging my arm and bringing me with him. And then he kissed me.

He kissed me like he was saying back the words I was so angry at myself for saying. He kissed me like I was the most perfect and precious thing in the world to him. The way he kissed me told me everything he wasn’t saying out loud: this man loved me deep down to the depths of his soul, and some part of him had since the beginning of time. And I let my body relax and sink down onto his, and I let him love me.

Gabe still didn’t say anything. His lips didn’t stray from mine, not even for a breath, and his arm wrapped around my waist, pulling me tighter to him. He cupped the side of my head, his fingers tenderly burrowing and stroking my hair,lovingmy hair with reverence in his hands like he knew it was as holy as I felt it was. His unique flavor enveloped me, and I tasted, smelled,drownedin him, parting my lips and requesting entrance to his mouth with the tip of my tongue.

There were no words. The first thing I’d learned about Gabe was that he was a man of few words, but his actions always said everything. Now more than ever, they said everything.

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