Page 12 of If This is Love

“I know,” I whispered back, my tears firing up again. “I know.”

He threw his arms around me and pulled me into a tight hug as he sniffled back his tears. “I’m so sorry, girl. I’m so sorry. My heart isshattered.I don’t even know what to say.”

I squeezed him back with both arms around his waist and rested my chin on his shoulder. “You don’t have to say anything,” I whispered. We had to whisper lest Abraham and Pastor John hear us and catch us alone together.

There were roles, and both Astrid and I knew ours, even though neither of us fit very well. Michael hadn’t either, and that’s why the three of us were so close. But again, Michael wasn’t here anymore, and Astrid and I were alone in a house with the scary alpha males of the church.

Astrid abruptly pulled away and clasped the sides of my head with his hands. “We need to leave.”

I narrowed my eyes incredulously, blindly reaching for a dish towel to dab below his eyes and nose. “We can’t just leave, Astrid.”

“Yes, we can, and we should.” He leaned forward to whisper even quieter in my ear, “If you don’t leave, Abraham is going to move into this house or make you move into his, and you’ll basically be his housemaid.”

“He won’t do that.” Even though he’d already been here two days with no hint of when he might go back to his house.

“Girl, he will. He’s already over here having meetings with the elders. We need to—”

“What in the good name of the Lord is going on in here?” Pastor John’s booming voice shattered the quiet hum of the kitchen appliances.

Astrid and I whipped our heads sideways to see him and Abraham standing in the kitchen, both looking fierce.

It looked really bad. It lookedscandalous. Astrid, a young man who was unattached to any women, and me, a young widow of only three days, embracing in the kitchen without a chaperone—andyes, chaperones were also a role in our world.

The more I thought about it in the three seconds of silence that followed, the more I realized how bad it looked to the two older, very conservative, old-fashioned men.

Astrid and I couldn’t even explain in words the old, traditional men would understand that it wasn’t anything like what either of them were thinking. After all, Astrid had a secret about himself that he’d only shared with Michael and me, and telling that secret would cause our community to basically try to brainwash it out of him with prayer. It also wasn’t any of their business, and I would never share Astrid’s secret to a soul because it washissecret. He hadn’t even told his parents yet, so I kept my mouth shut and waited for my semi-public hanging to begin.

Astrid withdrew his hands and stepped away from me, but he jutted his chin defiantly in the direction of Pastor John. “I was comforting myfriendbecause her husband, who wasalsomyfriend, just passed away the other day.”

Pastor John ignored Astrid the way most men in the church typically did and looked at me. “Sister, is this really the way you’re behaving when your husband isn’t even cold yet?” He pointed his finger right at my face, so close I couldn’t even look at it without going a little cross-eyed. “Sleeping until noon when it’s time to meet your malefriendin secret?”

My cheeks were on fire, and the seething rage started simmering in my chest again. But I knew my role. “I’m sorry, Pastor. I should have let Abraham know there was a male visitor.”

I cautiously looked at Abraham, and he was looking angrier than ever, and I braced myself.

Abraham looked at me for a second before turning to Astrid. “Go home, son. Let your daddy know I’m coming to have a word with him.”

Astrid’s jaw pulsed, and he cocked an eyebrow before turning to leave. “Be my guest.” With his back to the elders, he lifted that same eyebrow at me as though underscoring what he’d said about leaving, and then he slipped out the back door.

Abraham looked at me again. “Would you like to explain what in the world possessed you to do something like that?”

Normally, this crap was justcrap. Annoying stupid crap that Michael and I had to tolerate when we were visiting Abraham, at weekly services, or participating in church events. Before, we’d always been able to retreat to the safe haven that was thishome. Safe for our friends like Astrid who needed a refuge, and safe for Michael and me to live and dream on our own terms.

But now Michael was gone, and Abraham’s role now included looking after me. He would provide for me in every way Michael had until I remarried—if I ever did. Truthfully, I couldn’t evenfathomthe thought of ever lovinganyone elseever again. If I didn’t, he would provide for me forever. All of which meant I had to comply with my role andobeyhim.

I held the dish towel at the level of my waist and swallowed the lump in my throat. “Astrid is Michael’s best friend. He’s devastated.”

“You see,this,” Abraham picked up immediately, addressing Pastor John while pointing his finger at my face, “thisis why they had to get married so young. She can’t control herself, and Michael had to marry her before she led him into temptation.” He cast a scathing look at me but said nothing.

Pastor John merely hummed in agreement, rocking on the balls of his feet for a moment before looking at me with his unique brand of kindness, which always felt a little patronizing. “Now, sister, I know you are hurting right now. Probably even more than I can imagine. Aren’t you, sister?”

A lump surged to the top of my throat, but I maintained my composure, replying quietly, “Yes, pastor.”

He offered me a single nod. “I know you are.” He reached to squeeze Abraham’s shoulder. “I know you are too, brother.” Looking at me again, he added, “And theenemyalways visits us in our weakest moments. A tragedy like this weakens us like nothing else, so we have tofortifyourselves byrejoicing. Isn’t that right, sister?”

I nodded compliantly all the while my insides were screaming and wailing. “Yes, pastor.”

Pastor John held out his open hand, guiding me back toward the casserole-dish-covered counters. “So come here, little one, andrejoicewhile you work. Working is a practical way to keep your mind from running all over the place, and rejoicing builds you up.” He clapped his hands together and then lifted his palms toward the ceiling. “Bless the Lord. Thank you, God, that your daughter is so loved and cared for in this terrible tragedy. Amen andamen.”

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