Page 31 of If This is Love

The silence didn’t break until after we’d gotten on the trail.

“Oh mygoodness,” Ruth said with a light laugh, then shielded her mouth with her coffee cup to yawn. “I think I might be a terrible walking partner, Gabe.”

“I was actually thinking you’re a great walking partner.”

“You’re not bored because I’m too sleepy to make conversation?”

I cut a glance at her and then smirked at the graveled path in front of us. “You don’t know me that well yet.”

“What do you mean?”

“I’m not the most conversational person, Ruth.”

“Or maybe…” She tilted her coffee toward me. “You don’t like conversation for the sake of conversation.”

I considered that. “Probably.”

“I don’t either,” she went on, keeping her slow, careful pace. “Michael—that’s my husband’s name—we were really good at comfortable silence. Infact…” She waved her coffee cup at the path that stretched in front of us. “He and I used to go for walks in the morning, and for the first half of our walks we barely even talked because we were still sleepy. And sometimes, that was the best part of our whole day because it was just so peaceful. We’d been walking to school together since we were kids. I went into foster care when I was ten, and my foster family lived close to Michael and his dad, so that’s how we met. It was how we got to be friends, so we kept doing it even after we weren’t in school anymore.” She abruptly laughed. “And look at me here rambling after saying I don’t like talking for the sake of talking. I really must be sleepy.”

“I don’t mind,” I said quickly. I didn’t mind at all. In fact, Ilovedit. “Keep talking. I don’t know anything about you, and you’re probably only a week away from knowing everything about me because of all the gossip that flies around this place.”

She laughed again, louder this time. “I suppose that’s fair.”

I hesitated before askingverycarefully, “So, what was the deal with foster care?”

I hadn’t expectedthateither. Although, given her position at a non-profit organization like Skye’s, it wasn’t too surprising. After all, Skye was only in any of our lives at all because she’d lived through the horrors of the foster system and everything that followed, which was even worse. Add foster care to losing her husband, and it was starting to sound like Ruth’s history was almost as tragic.

“Well,” she said with a small sigh, “I lost my mother when I was ten. It was some kind of gas station robbery gone haywire. My father was gone before I was born. So, I had to go to foster care.”

“Goddamn,” I couldn’t help mumbling but immediately regretted it. I’d have to get better about not swearing around her. “Sorry, I just mean that’s awful. I’m sorry that happened to you.”

“Thank you.” Ruth nodded slowly. “It was pretty awful.” She drew in a silent breath, the corners of her lips tipping upward like she was making herself smile. “Foster care was just as bad as Skye talks about. None of the terrible things that happened to her happened to me, but it was a really uncomfortable environment. But thegoodthing is…” She turned to flash a bright white grin at me. “’cause I always have to find something good in stuff like that.” She faced forward again. “The good thing is that awful situation is how I met Michael, and that makes it all worth it.”

Warm heartache seeped into my chest. “I really hate hearing sh—uhstufflike that. But it’s really nice to hear you say that about him.”

“It’s nice to be able to say it. I know not all marriages have that,” she said gently. Her tone made it clear she was talking about mine.

“Some people shouldn’t be married. They’re too selfish to be marriedproperly.”

“And what is your definition ofproperly married, Staff Sergeant?” she asked teasingly.

“Well, not being selfish is a pretty basic start,” I retorted. “I don’t know. I just think a marriage should be two people who love each other enough to be the opposite of selfish.”

“You mean people shouldn’t get married unless they love each other. Because if you really love someone, you’re not going to be selfish. You’ll want to serve them.” She lightly bumped her coffee cup against my arm. “And you are a man who is obviously committed to serving, so I’m sure it rubs you wrong to see people doing the opposite of that.”

“That’s part of it.”

“Do I get to know the other part?”

I hesitated. “I don’t know. Maybe that’s the whole part. Like…” I hadn’t ever talked to a woman about this stuff before. I had only ever really talked about it with Luke, but not like what was currently creeping up my throat about to spill out. “I basically went out of my way to suffer for my wife, and it was never enough. I didn’t have to go into the Marines. I did because we were broke because my mama was on her own, and I needed a career because I had a girlfriend that I was committed to. Likerealcommitment. Before we were even adults, I was fully and happily prepared to spend the rest of my life with her. So I needed a way to provide for us both. The Marine Corps gave me that, but it also took a hell of a lot more than I ever anticipated. And by then, I was already married, and that’s when my wife started realizing she didn’t have the stuff for what she signed up for.” I paused, scuffing the gravel with my sneaker. “Or at least I realized that about her. Anyway, all the problems I have are because I signed a blank check to the USMC with my life, and my wife still wanted more. And she wanted themoremore than she wanted what was left of me. If love isn’t selfish, then she just never loved me. And I think that’s the whole thing.”

“She didn’t know how to love,” Ruth observed quietly.

I huffed. “She could’ve learned from me.”

A low, velvety chuckle hummed in her throat. “She must be unteachable because all of that sounds like you knowexactly…”

We fell into an awkward silence, and Ruth subtly fluttered her eyelashes.

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