Page 50 of If This is Love

The bartender approached the table and set down a glass of water, then handed me a menu. “I’m Missy, and this is my bar. So you just holler at me if you get hungry, okay,cher?”

“Well, it’s wonderful to meet you, Missy. I’m Ruth, and I sure will. Thank you so much.”

Missy scrubbed Gabe’s hair firmly, causing his head to bob forward before he righted it, and he otherwise didn’t acknowledge the friendly, familiar gesture. “I’m gonna bring Gunner a snack.”

“Wish you wouldn’t do that, Ms. Missy,” he said in a tone like she was pushing his limited patience. “He’s gonna get fat.”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah.” Missy waddled back to the bar. “Fat andhappy.”

He growled quietly and sipped his drink—it looked like it was whiskey, and I had to remind myself it wasn’t abnormal, especially in a place like New Orleans, and it also wasn’t any of my businesswhathe chose to drink orwhenorwhy. “He’s not a fuckingpet,” Gabe mumbled under his breath.

He was clearly annoyed, but I was starting to notice sometimes his grumpiness was endearing. Especially when it was about something like his friends feeding Gunner too many snacks and making himfat.

I pressed my lips together to keep from snickering because that would be just one more thing I’d need to explain and wouldn’t be able to. “So, everybody really does know everybody really well around here.”

“Yeah.” Gabe hitched a shoulder. “I grew up in this neighborhood, and yeah. All these people are basically a bunch of nosy-ass relatives.” He picked up his glass and waved it at the bar. “Almost everybody around here has lived here their whole lives, so everybody’s personal business is fair game, and everyone knows abouteverything.” He tilted the glass toward me and lifted his brows. “And everyone says they hate the gossip and meddling, but they all secretly love it. They just don’t like when all the gossip and meddling pulls in their own sh…stuff.”

“Ah.” I nodded. “That sounds about right. I used to be part of a church where people were like that, too. It got…uncomfortable.”

OhLord, that ended up being a perfect segue for what I needed to explain, so that meant I needed to run with it before the topic slipped off the table.

“I can imagine,” he replied.

“Yeah, and that…” I started to add hesitantly, staring at my water glass and nervously turning it from side to side. “That’s kind of what I wanted to talk about.” I huffed, dropping my gaze even lower from the glass to the old wood tabletop. “And I kind of need to explain all of that so I can…y’know, apologize.”

“We’re not supposed to be apologizing for anything, Ruth,” he said quickly. He didn’t say it playfully like he usually did, and I didn’t know if he was looking at me or even what he looked like because I couldn’t bring myself to look at him.

“I know, but I do need to, Gabe. I made everything uncomfort—”

“Need a refill,cher?” Missy cut in, approaching the table. She sneakily held out a piece of bacon in front of Gunner’s face, and he slurped it right out of her hand, his tail smacking the wood floor so hard and fast it sounded like someone was beating a drum.

I couldn’t help looking up and laughing a little at that.

Gabe simply exhaled a long, loud sigh, then picked up his glass, downed it, and then shifted toward Missy. He gave her a quick, tight, obviously forced smile. “Sure, Ms. Missy. That would be great.”

She took his empty glass and aggressively rubbed his hair, causing his head do that resistant bob forward again. “Comin’ right up.”

“Thank you, ma’am.” He rubbed his forehead with his fingertips and huffed out quietly, “Jesus fucking Christ, nobody fucking listens to me.”

I didn’t know why his exasperation was so adorable to me. I couldn’t help laughing a little as I rested my elbows on the table and folded my hands under my chin, looking at him. Probably gazing at him with puffy, pink hearts in my eyes, and this man was likeKryptoniteto me. “OhGabe, you areso…”

Do NOT call him adorable or cute or anything like that.

“I’m sowhat?” he prompted, a little bit of mischief twinkling in his pewter eyes.

“Just…” I shook my head, quietly laughing again before it fizzled into a small sigh of defeat. “I just like you,” I said sheepishly, deciding to jump into this conversation feet first. “I like you a lot. I really like our new little friendship, but the problem is…”

His eyes were now focused on the table, which I was grateful for, and I definitely didn’t blame him for not looking at me. This was already an awkward conversation to have, and all my baggage made it that much more cringey.

“The problem is more the church I was part of,” I went on, taking advantage of his averted gaze to shamelessly drink in the sight of him. “The culture there made relationships between men and women…difficult…even regular, non-romantic friendships. Infact…”

Astrid’s sweet face and disposition came to mind, and indignation instantly electrified me from the center of my chest to the tips of my toes, giving me the gumption to keep talking.

“I had a dear friend whom I met in church. His name was Astrid. He was my husband’s best friend and mine.” I smiled to myself, and Gabe slowly slid his eyes up to meet mine, and we just looked at each other while I continued. “Our little trio-friendship reminds me a lot of Skye and Brennan, and Connor and Liza, and how close they are, except that it was just us three, and he loved my husband. I mean, we all loved each other, but helovedMichael.”

Gabe’s brows drew together just a bit like he was reading between the lines. “As inlovelove, huh?”

“Yes. At the time, he identified as a gay man, but our community wasn’t accepting of…y’knowaffectionsthat didn’t fit the roles we were all required to fit in, and none of us knew anything about sexuality. We were forbidden from knowing anything about sexat alloutside the confines of marriage, so we certainly didn’t know about all the types of sexuality that fell outside of one man married to one woman so they could have babies. So, all Astrid knew was that he’d never been attracted to women and he loved my husband, and so he identified as gay back then. Last I spoke to him, he said he identifies better as queer because he feels like calling himself gay is too simplistic and limiting, and he also wants to take back that term from people who have used it to hurt people like him. Like people at our former church.”

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