Page 63 of If This is Love

It’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay.

Fuck off with that shit.

Her husband had a fat lip because of me. I had used my words to rip to shreds a woman who had traveled halfway across the country to volunteer her time to help Skye’s organization. I’d lost my mind and disrespected my friends in their own home with guests present, and Brennan had given me a clean shirt, and Skye was hugging me, andwhat was wrong with these people?

I swallowed and gave her just enough of a hug back to not seem like even more of an asshole. “I’m sorry, Skye. I don’t think I should be involved in any of this anymore.”

She shook her head against me, then lifted her face to look at me with determined blue eyes. “Yes, you should. But right now, you should take care of yourself. We’ll handle all this later. Right now, what matters is you being okay.”

I didn’t have the energy to try to reply, and she released me. I didn’t have the energy to do anything but stagger out the front door and down the steps.

I plodded to Luke’s car and pulled the door open. Before I could get in, Ruth touched my hand to stop me. I turned to her to see her wrapped in a towel, pressing her palms together like she was praying, and holding her fingers to her mouth like she wasn’t sure what to say.

I didn’t know what to say either, but apologizing seemed to be a good one-size-fits-all response right now. “I’m sorry, Ruth.”

She reached to hold the side of my arm. “For what?”

I hitched both shoulders. “Just that I’m the way I am.”

“Well, you know what?” She held her hand to her chest, and her hair wasso longwhen it was wet that it was mesmerizing me. “I love the way you are. I think the way youreallyare is wonderful, thereal you, and I’m sorry for everything that’s hurt you enough for things like this to happen.”

If that was Ruth telling me she loved me even remotely like the way I loved her, I was basically deaf to it. I couldn’t hear anything but how fucking weak I was. How I’d causedhugeproblems for not only her and Skye, but also the whole organization since Emma probably didn’t ever want to see me again and wouldn’t want the women she was working with to come anywhere near a person like me.

Nevertheless, my heart heard her. And all it wanted was to be as close to her as I could possibly get, even though that was an even worse idea than I’d realized. It was pure chance that when I threw my fist, it was at my friend who was a grown-ass man who could take a punch like that in stride, and I didn’t trust myself enough to not do that to her or anyone else.

I honestly should’ve just given up on trying to have relationships with anyone. Everything I’d ever set my hand to had withered and died because of things exactly like this, and I was fucking exhausted from trying to control this shit constantly.

Lifewas fucking exhausting, and I wasn’t suicidal, but I understood. Right now, I understood better than I ever had.

I started to turn from Ruth without a word, but she touched my hand. “Please don’t do that. Don’t pull away from me.” She smiled sadly. “I still need my good friend, Gabe. He’s a really good friend to me.”

I didn’tlikebeing herfriend, but there was no beingmore thanher friend, and I was still going to take everything I could get. Even just having her as my friend had already made my life better than it had ever been. That was already everything.

I love you, Ruth. I love you so much. I don’t even know if you love me back, but you make me feel more loved than I ever have in my whole damn life.

As just herfriend, I couldn’t say something like that.

I turned to her only long enough to press a lingering kiss to her soft, smooth cheek and silently breathe in her scent, and then I got in the car and pulled the door shut.

Luke opened the back door for Gunner, and he leaped inside. He pulled open the driver’s side door and offered a wave to Ruth, and she waved back as she stepped away. Peering at the side view mirror, I watched as she stood in the cold, wrapped in a damp towel with her beautiful hair soaked while she hugged herself and watched us. Brennan and Skye were standing on the sidewalk just behind her. After Luke shut the door, Ruth covered her face with the towel and turned away, and Skye immediately wrapped her in a hug.

They were both crying. Brennan was holding an ice-filled dishtowel to his mouth while he rubbed Ruth’s back. And it was almost impressive how badly I had fucked up this entire day.

Luke and I drove in silence for several minutes, slowly winding through the Quarter, avoiding the foot traffic, and when we pulled up to a red light, I made the awful decision to glance at him.

He was resting his elbow against the door, fist pressed to his mouth and eyes glossy, and anger reflexively lit up my veins.

“Don’t fuckingcry, Luke.”

“You know what, fuck you.” He shoved his fist across his face and sniffed, flooring the gas pedal as the light changed and peeling out of the Quarter toward the interstate with a loud, smelly screech of the tires. “Fuckyou, fuckthat, and fuckoff.” He smashed his index finger against his chest. “I’m not even thirty yet, and I already got my shit in order, bruh. I have a badass job, and I’m about to marry the woman I’ve loved my whole life, andI’mher baby-daddy now, so fuck right off, Gabe.” He hauled his fist back and slammed it into the dash, screaming with an adolescent crack in his voice, “If I feel like fuckin’ crying, it is my own goddamn, motherfucking prerogative to cry!”

A little sob hiccupped out of him like he was six and this was the day our worthless sperm-donor split all over again. I turned to my window, pressing my eyes shut and hating myself with the white-hot rage reserved for all the pieces of shit who’d ever made my baby brother cry.

Luke slammed back against his seat, his hand flying toward the dash again, but this time he twisted the knob, and a gritty jazz song blared from the speakers. I didn’t know if he cried all the way back to Algiers Point or not because I couldn’t bring myself to look at him.

When he pulled up to the curb in front of my house, he shifted into park and turned down the music. “Riley’s going to bring your truck by later.”

I didn’t bother acknowledging him and reached for the door.

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