Page 9 of If This is Love

Brady and Travis, a couple of younger Marine vets from the neighborhood, had elbowed into the bar with a whole crew of guys wearing all kinds of touristy Mardi Gras shit. Chloe was talking to them, waving her hands dismissively while she started taking down the camera setup.

I hid my mouth with my trembling hand as my gaze bounced all over the bar, checking for any potential collateral damage from my episode. There was suddenly so much activity that nobody even appeared to notice that Gunner had barked. Except for—

“Hey, Gabe,” came Luke’s low voice behind me just as a hand squeezed my shoulder. “Wanna go outside?”

“Yep,” I quickly returned, shifting off the stool and staring at the floor to make sure I didn’t stagger or lose my balance. Before my eyes made it from the spot I was staring at to the floor, they collided with Ruth. She was standing at the front of the bar next to Skye, towering over her with the elegant posture of a literal queen.

She wasso beautifulandso poised,and I was literally shaking from being temporarily trapped in the hellscape of my mind, and I’d never slunk out of a room faster in my life.

The agitating burn crept up the back of my neck as I hugged the wall and edged my way out the front door with Gunner stealthily following. The bitter cold air immediately doused the burn, and I rolled my head in a circle.

“You good?” Luke stood just to the side of the doors, hands shoved in the pockets of his tan winter jacket.

“Yep,” I said again, shoving my hands in my pockets, and my fingers collided with the cookies. Grabbing the plastic bag, I pulled it out and gave it a little swing. “Got the antidote to all my battle scars right here.”

“Right.” Luke chuckled under his breath, dropping his chin as he scuffed the ground with his boot. “She loves you though, bruh. It’s the only reason she does that.”

“I know.” I shoved the bag back into my pocket and jerked my chin at the windows. “So what’s the deal in there? Are we still doing this?”

“Nah, not here.” He tilted his head to one side as though gesturing at the squad of very loud out-of-towners. “Brady and them started in the Quarter ‘bout six hours ago, so there’s no controlling any of these douchebags at this point. I think Chloe’s going to send everybody over to Connor and Liza’s place instead.” He squinted up at me through one eye as the sun hit his face just right. “You gonna go?”

I took a long stride away from the entrance and fished my pack of smokes and lighter out of the back pocket of my jeans. “Nope,” I said, cupping my hand around a cigarette that hung from my lips while I flicked the lighter to life.

Pulling in a long drag, I noted the subtle flinch in Luke’s jaw, and this was how my baby brother placated me.

If my tormented mind hadn’t driven me outside, he would be nagging me about quitting smoking. He would also be reminding me to make an effort to be nice to Chloe and telling me to follow our invasive friends from the bar to the Deneaus’ house. But Luke didn’t do either of those things because he knew I was hanging by a thin, fraying thread. Because I was weak. Because I was a shell of the man I used to be. Because all I’d ever done was give, and give, and work, and give, and work, and pour myself into things that emptied just as quickly or even threw my efforts back in my face, all the while depleting the last bits of myself little by little.

But never fucking mind.

“I would,” I hastily added, my gaze colliding with the sight of Ruth’s strong, beautiful back through the windows, andno,I would absolutelynot. I couldn’t risk humiliating myself like that in close quarters where she would definitely notice. “But I don’t think it would be good right now. I’ll talk to Chloe about doing it another time.”

“Yeah…yeah, it’s all good, bruh.”

Luke smacked the side of my jacket while I continued to puff. Gunner slowly slid down the side of my legs until his body melted flat against the concrete.

“Comeon, brother,” I grumbled, nudging him with my foot while reaching to snuff out my cigarette in an ashtray. “Quit acting like such an old man.” I nodded at Luke. “So, you want to go do this now, bambino?”

A giddy grin broke across his face. “Fuck yeah I do.” He slapped my arm again and pivoted toward the door. “I’m gonna tell her we’re heading out early. Be right back.”

After he slipped through the door, I stuffed my hands in my coat pockets and glanced around the street, then at the windows to make sure everyone was still oblivious to my absence—like they always were, but Ipreferredit—and then I pulled out one of the cookies. Liza’s cookies really were the stuff of utter frickin’legend, and I took a huge bite of one.

Backing up against the side of the building, I had a perfect line of sight through the windows to Ruth’s striking profile while staying out of sight from her.

Un-friggin’-canny.

It was like I’d made a list of every single thing I’d ever found attractive about the opposite sex, and some genie had whipped her up in a sparkling cloud of vanilla-gardenia-scented magic. My perfect woman was standing right there, separated from me by only a few feet and a wall of hurricane-battered glass and wood, but all I could do was stare at her while I hid in the shadows, breathing away the tremors.

Just beyond Ruth’s regal profile, Luke was standing in front of Chloe. He stroked her hair away from her face with both hands, tucking it behind her ears and letting his palms linger on the sides of her neck, and that was good. It was good that Luke had grown up enough to be able to love someone like that. Loving someone the way he loved Chloe and her son required a kind of maturity that I had all but tried to beat into him, and it was good to see him finally coming into his own and starting a family.

At least one of us had made it happen.

Through the window, Luke leaned in like he was going to smooch Chloe, so I averted my eyes. My line of sight collided with Ruth again, and this time her eyes met mine.

I was suddenly a deer in headlights. I even stopped chewing. I even stoppedbreathing.

But Ruth simply offered a quick smile and a flit of her delicate fingertips before turning back to whomever she was talking to.

The air whooshed out of my lungs, and I hastily turned to stride away from the building and completely out of sight. Gunner trotted along next to me and sucked in one of his bizarre yawns that sounded like a cow mooing, and it was basically his way of expressing exasperation.

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